


selfish (my head it hurts)

by moonchild2593



Series: silver lining [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, BAMF Tony Stark, Father-Son Relationship, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Irondad, Mental Instability, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Parent Tony Stark, Peter Parker is a Little Shit, Post-Spider-Man: Homecoming, Precious Peter Parker, Protective Tony Stark, Swearing, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark is Good With Kids, did i mention swearing, spiderson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-26
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-09-27 11:50:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 52,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20407279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonchild2593/pseuds/moonchild2593
Summary: Everything Tony Stark had ever done for Peter Parker had been selfish, profitable. He doesn't think that that will ever change, because that's just the fucked up person that he is.But sometimes, just sometimes, even Tony Stark is wrong.





	1. somewhere along in the bitterness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title is taken from how to save a life- the fray

Tony had been called many things in the 45 years he has been alive, by many different people.

Entitled, intelligent, cold, narcissistic, the merchant of death, handsome, mysterious and the sexiest man alive are just some of them.

He'd been called so many things he'd actually never be able to remember them all, but there had been a few that had stuck with him over the years.

His father had called him a lost cause when he was eight and couldn't, for the life of him, find out where he had put the shoes he was supposed to put on.

His mother had called him a spoiled, reckless brat when he was thirteen and had gotten drunk at their christmas party, throwing up down the steps of the living area.

His rival's wife had called him an incredible, selfless lover.

Pepper had called him selfish.

You win some, you lose some, he guessed.

He had been called daddy too many times to count, but never in a million times had he been called paternal or fatherly. If there were any women on the planet who were dreaming of getting impregnated by the Anthony Edward Stark it sure as hell wasn't because they thought he'd make a good dad.

And then Peter Parker had come along with his lame jokes and honest eyes and he'd felt.. _something_.

But he had ignored it, had pushed it down. He had needed his help and he knew what to say to get it. It had been fucked up and it had been selfish but he had needed Steve to just listen. It had never been meant to go this far.

He had not felt responsible, but he had felt responsible _for him_. He had dragged the kid off to Germany, had handed him a suit on a silver platter and just because he had profited from it.

He'd thought that if they kept their distance from Peter, the kid would get to be a kid again. That he wouldn't have to spiral down the same fucking way Tony had. Tony had lost. Tony was fucked up in more ways than he would ever be able to count, but the kid.. the kid had a fucking chance. So Tony had dealt with his own shit. He had really, really tried this time. For Pepper. But noone understood. He had even gone to therapy a few times, but he had gone through therapists faster than through underwear and there were only so many trustworthy people out there qualified to analyze his shit. But they didn't understand either. Not the hurt, not the anger, not the fucking _betrayal_. Because Steve had known. He had _known_ and he hadn't said a fucking word. He had left him there in a broken suit, in the middle of fucking nowhere knowing that it could be his death.

His father had once chosen Captain America over him. Now Captain America had prefered someone else, too.

Oh, the fucking irony.

There had been plenty of people, shockingly, he had trusted before Germany. Now there were exactly three left: Pepper, Happy and Rhodey.

He was angry, he was hurt and he felt guilty.

So he had kept his distance, only showing up to save the kid's ass a couple of times. There had been many things he'd wanted to say to him. That he should be lucky he isn't Tony's son, because for that worry Tony would have made sure he wouldn't be sitting comfortably in quite a while, old fashioned plus crazy fucking ass healing or not. That he should be careful. That he should not rush into any of this because it fucking _hurts_ and there is no going back, ever. There is nothing there but sleepless nights and the fucking guilt. For every life saved there is a life lost and it never gets fucking easier.

But of course he hadn't said any of it. He hadn't stopped to explain because that, too, would hurt.

Many, many people think Tony Stark is brave.

Tony Stark considers himself nothing but a coward.

He had taken the suit, then, not knowing what else to do. He had needed to do something. What should he have done? He had no fucking right to parent the kid, it's not exactly like he could ground or spank him. What else was there? So he took the suit. Hoping it was the right thing.

It hadn't been. Of fucking _course_ it hadn't been, because Anthony fucking Stark never does the right thing. He tries, god he fucking tries, but somehow it always comes back to bite him in the ass. Isn't that how the whole accords debacle started? Tony trying to do the right thing, and Tony fucking it up. Like always.

Helping hadn't worked, taking the suit hadn't worked, so Tony had done the stupidest thing he could have done in that situation and offered the kid a spot with the broken Avengers.

He'd wanted to keep a closer eye on the kid, protecting him, teaching him, seeing him more. He'd never admit it out loud but he was fucking lonely and the compound empty. He'd never admit it, but the kid would have made everything just a little more bearable.

But fuck, the kid had done the most amazing thing Tony had seen in a long time- he'd refused. He'd done something incredible and adult and Tony had been so fucking proud- Not that he'd admit that out loud, either.

He'd gone inside and Pepper and him had announced their engangement.

But he had still felt empty. Still felt lonely. Still felt so fucking broken. So he had called the kid. He had called a fifteen year old fucking child because somehow, that seemed like the right Idea.

He'd offered him an internship- a real one this time. Because fuck, just a few hours a week where he could just listen to that mindless, optimistic babbling seemed like the relief his mind needed. The relief from thinking.

Nothing worked anymore. Not caffeine, not alcohol, not drugs, not sex.

Tony knew, because Tony had tried it all. But somehow he was still lonely, still fucked up, still broken.

Tony knew he destroyed the people close to him If he let them in. Every part of him was broken in so many pieces that if people tried to get too close, tried to touch him, they'd cut themselves. People want to help to fix a broken person, but they realize when someone can't be fixed. When they are unfixable. And then they give up.

And people had noticed with him. How could they not? It could be heard in his laugh, in his tired eyes, in the movements his hands made.

He knew he was one of the richest, smartest, most famous people in the country, maybe even the world.

He had everything, yet he had nothing.

He had tried everything to get better, until his mind had fluttered back to Peter, how he'd made him laugh.

There's many things Tony fucking Stark would never admit to out loud, but being selfish isn't one of them.

Happy had once called him the most selfless and most selfish person rolled into one.

He knew it was selfish to offer Peter that internship. To pull him back into his life after he had suffered so much.

But hell, if it would just offer his brain some fucking peace, he'd gladly go to hell for it.


	2. When I die, fuck it, I wanna go to hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from ‘Suicidal Thoughts’ – The Notorious B.I.G.

Tony was sitting on his chair, in front of his desk, working. At least, that's what he wanted people to believe. He didn't know who he was trying to fool, he couldn't remember the day that his office work consisted of anything else than signing whatever the fuck Pepper put down in front of him. He rarely even _read_ that garbage anymore. 

Why would he, if there was such a thing as Angry Birds on his Phone. Candy Crush was something else, entirely. Actually pissed him off that he hadn't invented that game. Oh, maybe he _should_ design a game, maybe one where people could catch the Rogue Avengers. The more he thought about it, the more he liked that particular Idea. With the right marketing it could make him _millions. _

Jesus fucking Christ, he was bored.

The thought of the app alone made him nauseous, they were his family once. But they had chosen something else, they had _chosen_ to break them apart. And whose fault was that? Right. His fucking own. Didn't mean it hurt any less.

Still empty, still lonely, still fucking broken.

"You wanted to see me, Boss?"

"That I did, Hap. Snickers?" He throws one at him, not waiting for his reply. He ignored the glare Happy shot him after the chocolate bar hit him square in the chest and fell to the floor. "Now, now. Wipe that frown off your face, why don't you? It's not my fault that you can't _catch._"

"I'm not even going to reply to that-"

"You spend too much time around Pepper. You do know that I'm actually the one paying you, yeah? Good. Because I need you to drive into the city to pick up Peter Parker."

Happy stopped picking at his nails and finally looked up at Tony again, seemingly trying to decipher if Tony meant it as a joke or not. "Are you telling me you want me to drive two and a half hours into the city to pick up Parker and then later, drive two and a half hours to take him _home?_ Today?"

"Obviously, yes, today. And get him some food on the way, he might be hungry."

"Can't you get someone else to do that?"

"Probably, but I don't trust anyone else." The sentence hadn't meant to sound so sincere because _fuck, _that just wasn't Tony's style. He isn't __nice.__ He's an asshole, always had been- got it from his dad, apparently.

"And text him to let him know you're coming."

"You didn't _ask _him if he even wanted to come up here?"

"No? Why would I? I'm Tony Stark. I don't know why, but _usually_ people would do anything to spend some time with me. Plus, he _does _know he'll be starting his internship soon. Better sooner than later, yeah?"

At least he hoped so. He hadn't even _considered_ asking Parker, he had just assumed the kid would be _thrilled_ to come up here. He just needed the voices in his head to fucking shut up, he needed Peter Parker's innocent jokes, so he couldn't even bring himself to feel bad about not considering his wishes.

He'd be a great father one day. Igoring the kid's wellbeing, ignoring his interests, thinking about _punishments_ that his own kid would have to face for being so reckless. If He ever put a child into this fucked up world he wouldn't _let _them be as reckless as he was.

He'd had friends who'd complained about strict parents. Looking back he wished Howard had cared enough to discipline him, maybe he would have thought twice, now, if he'd have the painful memories to back it up. But Howard hadn't cared enough, and there were no memories other than resentment. Fucking great. So he'd had the worst father in the century, but also one who'd either been afraid to touch him or had not cared enough. Both splendid thoughts.

If he ever, for whatever god damn reason, finds himself with a child he'd never let them doubt their worth. Tony Stark was an asshole, yes, but he wasn't cruel. And despite what many others seemed to think he was able to love and to do so deeply. He just hoped that he'd never have a child to love because people close to him.. they break. It's just how it was, how it's always been. No child deserved to love him and be broken in return.

Happy grumbled but didn't fight it any longer, looking slightly uncomfortable. "Well, I won't do that every friday."

"Hm. I could pick him up sometimes. No, you know what? We're going to start looking for a place in the city. Maybe a permanent hotel suite? A townhouse? A penthouse on 5th Avenue? Yes. Sounds perfect. Can you call my real estate lady?"

Happy just stared for a few seconds, listening to Tony rambling on about a houseboat before walking out. "Pepper will absolutely kill you."

"No she won't." He said to himself, twirling in his chair again. "Because that would make me too damn lucky." Still empty, still lonely, still fucking broken.

But also still alive.

Being alive had many advantages and most people would put _working brain_ on that list. Tony wouldn't, fuck Tony really wouldn't. Because a working brain means a working mind and a working mind means _hurt_. And what do you do with it when there is nothing to keep it at bay? When it won't shut up for five fucking seconds?

The nights were the worst, when everyone else was asleep. When Pepper was laying next to him, snoring lightly. It's so quiet and so loud at the same time, and if it's _loud_ how was his brain supposed to shut off and let him goddamn sleep. 

He had told Pepper that there had been a fight, a disagreement. That it wasn't fixable. She hadn't taken him seriously, said that he shouldn't be so _dramatic._ He hadn't bothered explaining it after. Why would he? That wouldn't be _dramatic._

He had loved Pepper for a very long time. Probably even longer than he knew it, possibly even before he even knew what love meant. She had been on his mind, a lot, back in Afghanistan. She'd given him something to live for, more than once. But she'd given up on him, once, too. Who said she wouldn't do it again? She had got up and left. She'd _left _him. Something she'd always said she would never do. He hadn't known who he was without her anymore, and then everything had gone to shit. He wondered sometimes how differently things could have turned out if she'd stayed with him, if she hadn't left. Maybe she could have talked sense into him. Maybe. Maybe not. It's not like he could fucking find out.

She had lost her patience and she'd left. People do that. They _leave. _They get the fuck out as long as they still can. So that's what she had done, she had left him behind. Like his parents did so often, like Peggy did, like Jarvis did, like his makeshift family did in the end.

Pepper should have been the exception. She should have been his always, his forever, his one true love.

He wished he could blame her for all of this. But while he was selfish he was also honest. It would be easier to blame her, fuck, so much easier. But it would also be completely idiotic. He was at fault, here, like always. He had _always _been at fault, for everyfuckingthing. Because that's just what he did, he _broke things. _

__Maybe__ he should have stopped the Iron Man bullshit when Pepper begged him to, it would have saved them both a lot of fucking heartache. But it was just who he was.. but it had been more than that. He hadn't wanted to lose his friends slash family in the Avengers.. and well, retiring would have meant seeing them less and getting to spend less time with them. Not that he would have _ever _admitted that out loud.

Of course, in the end he'd lost them anyways. He'd lost everything this past year. Somethings, like Pepper, he'd gained again. Some were so incredibly lost. Like him.

He went back to that Sharwarma place last week, the place they'd eaten together all those years ago. When he'd still hated Steve, still would have liked to bang Nat, still had been absolutely scared shitless of Clint. A ridiculous idea thinking back. It had been before Rhodey joined them, before Wilson made an appearance, before Nick Fury pretended to be dead.

Fuck, things had been _easy b_ack then. Who would have fucking thought? Not him. Especially not after his anxiety attacks, after the nightmares, after the fucking _panic._ But it had been easier compared to now. It had been angst and panic, not hurt and guilt.

The food hadn't been as good as he'd remembered and staring at the pictures on the wall had him sick to his stomach. He had run to the bathroom to violently throw up into a dirty, germ infested toilet for half an hour. He had told Happy it was food poisoning, but he couldn't fool him. He saw it in his eyes, the way he looked at him.

Four hours until the kid gets here.

Just four more hours until he could concentrate on something else, until another voice but his own would fill his head. He just had to survive the next five hours for a little relief. And not let himself think about _after_ Happy took the child home.

Maybe he should invent personal-intern retreats, for real this time. And since Peter was his only intern, he'd get to have him around on weekends. He could offer him a full ride to his dream college, because damn, one call from Tony Stark and the kid could go wherever the hell he wanted. Buying the kid's company seemed less pathetic when he layed it out as mutual benefits.

He'd be sixteen in what, eleven months? Maybe he could teach him to drive. And hell, he could even buy him a fucking car. He would buy him ten cars if he just made his mind shut up for five fucking minutes.

He didn't know what he'd do if the whole plan fails. If the kid wasn't as he remembered him, wasn't as bright and fun and.. _cute_. In a non-sexual way, but how else would one describe that puppy look he had going for him?

Three and a half hours until his mind might finally get some fucking peace.  


_Still empty, still lonely, still fucking broken_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, thank you for reading ❤️


	3. The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from Mad World by Tears for Fears

"Boss, Happy has tried to contact you precisely twentyseven times in the past twelve minutes, I'd consider it _smart_ to answer your phone and save me the headache." Friday's voice was cool and collected and Tony wondered If he'd been high when he'd programmed the AI. In any case he must have been sleep deprived, because damn that Al was annoying sometimes.

"Happy. Fri says you called, what's up in the hood? On your way back yet?"

"_Well, ___no. _____The______ kid _______is.. well, _________Parker ___________is grounded." ______

"Excuse me, what? What do you mean? Like on the ground with a knife in his chest?"

"_No, ___Boss. _____More___ ____like.. _________his aunt ___________found _____________out _______________about _________________his ___________________little secret _____________________and _______________________it's _________________________school ___________________________and _____________________________going_______________ _________________straight ___________________________________home__________________ ________________for _________________________________him. ___________________________________I'm _____________________________________taking _______________________________________him home _________________________________________now, he ___________________________________________says _____________________________________________he's _______________________________________________still on _________________________________________________restriction_________________________ __________________________until _____________________________________________________monday _______________________________________________________so____________________________ _____________________________________________________________he'd ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________like _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________to _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________postpone________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________until ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________next _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________friday___________________________________________________________________________________________________." ________________________________

Tony hung up without replying. He hadn't expected...that. Why, why, why the fucking hell _why _did aunt hottie have to find out about Parker's secret when Tony fucking needed him. What else was he supposed to do in this big fucking lonely piece of building with Pepper away on business.

So he did what every normal, sane, healthy adult with too much money would do on a lonely weekend- he bought a house.

More a mansion than a house, really, but who's asking. Not Pepper, in any case, because she still had no Idea about his impromtu purchase on saturday afternoon. She'd be pissed but it would serve her right for leaving him home alone when his mind wouldn't shut up. She knew how he got those days.

The house hadn't even been on the market, but he'd just been driving around, looking- and there it was. The perfect fucking piece of real estate, so he'd knocked on the door and made an offer they couldn't refuse. He'd offered double If they and all their shit could be out by next friday. Of course they'd said yes.

How could they not? If Tony Stark was one thing, it was persuasive.

The house was, for all purposes, absolutely perfect. Maybe too far from the city for his liking, but not dramatically so. Just across the Hudson, which meant a two minute flight in his suit- could be worse. But, on the bright side, people wouldn't just show up on his doorstep, knocking and prodding and trying to speak to him when all he wanted was to be alone.

The reason he bought the house in the first place was the way it looked. The perfect mixture of modern and old fashioned, the perfect mixture of the house he grew up in and the house he'd build and lost in Malibu. It could work, really, as a home. There was a pool, a basketball court, a backyard. A real backyard, too, not the fake ones you got in the city. Pepper would hate it. Maybe he'd get a dog just to piss her off- she hated animals. Or a horse. Maybe a donkey? An alpaca could be fun. He wondered who he had to pay to get a tiger in there.

Pepper would probably have him arrested.

Or have him admitted.. it would be either or. So, maybe no tigers.

So he had the perfect house, but no family to speak off. Just his fucking luck. Once again he wondered how different his life could have been If he'd just been born to different parents, parents without money.

People saw his _money _and talked about how rich he was, how jealous they were of all his fortune, the cars, the planes, the carelessness that came with having so much money.

If only they knew that he was the poorest of them all in every way that counted.

If only they knew of his demons, then none of them would envy him any longer.

When the next friday finally, _finally _came around, Tony was done. Done with the week, done with Ross, done with the unfairness of it all- god, he sounded like a teenager who complained about something or another, the unfairness of life. Yikes.

That's a lesson he'd learned before he could properly spell his name. Life wasn't fair, life wasn't fair for the rich nor the poor. The second lesson he'd learned had been that everyone had their secrets. He'd understood that when he'd seen a picture of him in his father's desk at work. It hadn't been a sweet gesture to have his son closer. It had been for the looks of it, a loving father who wanted to protect all Americans like they were family. Yeah, fuck, pretending had always been his dear daddy's strong suit.

Instead of sending Happy, Tony made the drive to Midtown himself. He was bored out of his mind and the Compound was suffocating him in more ways than one, so escaping had seemed the smartest thing to do.

On his drive through the city he prayed to a god he didn't believe in, to let the kid be the salvage he needed. There _had _to be a reason he was still alive, he was still _functioning. _Maybe, just maybe, that reason was Peter Benjamin Parker. And if he wasn't, he hoped he was granted just a little break from being Tony fucking Stark.

He just wanted to go back to how things were a year ago. When everything had been bearable. When he'd learned to handle the anxiety, when he'd finally learned to sleep again.

Before the vision of the future he saw, before the death of thousands were his fault, before he lost all of his closest friends, before they chose Steve over him and before he left him to fucking die.

He stops in front of the school, playing with the radio when the kid shyly opens the door and drops in, and suddenly-

_Silence_ _._

He could still _feel_ it, in a way, all the fucking feelings he was trying so hard to get rid of- but somehow, all of the sudden, they were numbed down. They were there behind a wall, trying to get through, but they were concealed just enough for his mind to calm down.

It didn't shut up completely, but it was enough- enough to _breathe._

Tony sighed in content, so relieved he could cry. Maybe, just maybe, if he concentrated on the kid, talked to him.. maybe, just maybe he'd be able to become himself again instead of this shell.

"I didn't know _you_ would be picking me up." The kid said excitedly. How something so trivial seemed to make him happy confused Tony to no end, but he'd take it. He'd take all of the annoying questions and pop culture references if he could just hold on to the quiet for a few more hours. Just for a little while.

"Well, Happy had an appointment at his urologist or something and I have to drive to Jersey later, so don't flatter yourself too much. I'm a busy man, you know."

Somehow that didn't seem to disencourage the kid, _at ___all. __Instead he started rambling on about one thing or another and Tony found himself relax. This didn't have to be weird. This was a job for the teen, not a middle aged man trying to be his friend. And fuck, Tony _wasn't_ trying to befriend him. He was just trying to think of something, _anything,_ else.

"So, Aunt Hottie found out about your spiderlinging?" Tony played around on the wheel nervously before he stopped himself. This didn't have to be weird, so why was he fucking _anxious?_

He glanced at Peter to find him fumbling with some thread or another. "Spiderlinging isn't a Word, I'm not.. I'm Spider_-manning._ I'm not a child."

Tony snorted. God, If the kid had any idea of how _much _a child he was, he'd be surprised.

"But yes. She found out. Isn't really happy with me at the moment, she isn't really a big fan of lying. I had to sit through an hour long lecture of how we're not in Gossip Girl and it's not okay to lie and then __she__ kept the suit for two weeks and it was absolutely ridiculous." He rolled his eyes and Tony wondered if he played the part of annoyed teenager or if he really thought he wasn't deserving of the punishment. He couldn't be that _idiotic_, could he? Even Tony had more sense than that.

"I don't know." Tony said rather coldly and he had no fucking clue where that was coming from. "I think you're pretty lucky. If _my kid _had lied to me about something like that for so long, they would have been grounded a lot longer than two weeks."

There it was again. What the _hell _was he doing saying those things? Fuck, even _thinking _them was wrong. He wasn't a father and he probably would never become one. Maybe that was it- it's easy saying things if they would never come true.

This time it was Peter who snorted. "Sure thing, Mr. Stark. I'm sure you will be strict dad."

Will. Not would. Will. The kid believed without a doubt that he'd be a dad one day. Even Pepper didn't think so, because hell, fucked up people shouldn't get to raise others, because that left the others fucked up, too.

And hell, Tony was the most fucked up of them all.

"You'd be surprised." He grumbled and finally noticed that his nervous fidgeting had stopped. He was beginning to feel at ease, and the quiet was so soothing that he didn't even mind the traffic. Somehow, it suddenly felt soothing, too.

"You wouldn't be like a regular Mom, you'd be a cool Mom."

"_What?"_

"Oh, by the way, my aunt kind of hates you now. She blames you for giving me the suit, I think." Peter sounded rather happy about that, and Tony wondered where that came from. The kid didn't usually seem like someone who found joy in negative feelings. He didn't ask though. He didn't really want to know. Didn't want to risk to hear him say that he hated him, too. That there was nothing about Tony worth even _liking. _So he didn't ask.

"Well, welcome to the club."

Peter giggled at that, taking it as a joke instead of the seriousness it had really been. Okay, fine, Tony liked being funny. Always had. When people were laughing about you when you wanted them to they couldn't do it behind your back. Not that he'd care, didn't make a fucking difference anyways.

"Don't worry, she'll come around. She always does. She told me she hated my mom when they were younger and then they became, like, best friends. She _is grateful _for the internship and I explained to her how you gave me the suit to keep me safe, you know, and she said that she appreciates that."

Huh. Had he given the kid the suit to keep him safe? He didn't know anymore, but it had been more like an excuse. Give him a suit, make him efficient, don't let him be recognized or _die _during the fight. But he liked Peter's explanation a lot better. It made him seem human again. God, he missed the times before Ultron and before James fucking Barnes. Everything had been easier. Fuck, everything had been shitty but it had been okay. And now, apparently, he wasn't making sense any longer.

"She doesn't exactly need to like me, kid, as long as _you _tolerate me, we're good." He hadn't meant to say that but he was glad for the sarcastic matter he'd said it in. If Parker said something cruel, now, he'd play it off as a joke.

"Don't be _silly_, you know I like you." Peter giggled again. "Where are we going? This isn't the way to the compound."

"Jersey. Didn't I _just_ tell you that ten minutes ago? I don't pay you to not fucking listen when I say something. I don't just speak to hear myself talk, you know?"

Okay, that was a lie. Tony's voice was one of the things he did like about himself. Actually, he liked pretty much everything about his looks- he could be taller, but he'd learnt to accept that one. The way he carried himself often made him seem like the tallest man in the room.

"Huh. Did you?" Peter said. "I am confusion. And, you don't _pay_ me at all yet."

"Yeah, apparently you forgot proper grammar, you heathen."

Peter turned around excitedly, staring at him so hard that Tony felt like daggers could be shooting at him any second now.

"Are you telling me you don't know that vine? It's one of my favorites! Wait, do you know what Vine is?"

"Well. Yes, tastes great to fish."

He didn't look at him but he could _feel_ Peter roll his eyes. "Not _wine,_ it's _vine_. With a __v.__ God, how old are you?"

"You should show your elders some respect, you know." He hummed, keeping his eyes trained on the road. What the hell was a vine?

"Yeah, yeah, sorry. So, a Vine is like a six second Video and they are hilarious. I'm not explaining them right, but they're _hilarious_ and it's important you know some, oh _god _Mr. Stark, I don't know how you've _lived _this long without them."

He went into a long explanation of his favorite vines and Tony understood almost none of the talk about crocs, Chryslers, chillis and roommates but Peter was laughing, really laughing, and somehow that sound was so refreshing that he grinned along. He didn't laugh, but he grinned. _Really_ grinned, not a forced one. He couldn't even remember the last time he had _smiled_, let alone laughed, so _grinning_ was a bigger deal than he'd like to admit. It made his face feel tight.

"But they're funnier when you _see _them yourself." Peter said with another one of those deep belly laughs Tony envied him for. "I _promise." _

Tony knew that he wouldn't laugh one bit if he watched them by himself. He wasn't stupid. Those vinethingys were for _teenagers_ not for people like _him_. But he'd watch them with the kid, one day. Maybe.

"But, you know, _where _in Jersey are we going? And why? I mean, I don't want to seem ungrateful because it's, like, so _lit_ you're taking me along, but I'm curious, is all."

He looked over at the kid when he changed lanes, just a quick glance. He seemed earnest. Why would he be _grateful_ for being dragged along? Didn't he realize that Tony was just fucking lonely and needed some company?

"I bought a house." He said while he pulled into the street his new home was located on. "I'm moving in next week or the week after and I just need to check everything is going to plan. Thought you could check out the lab space, already, so you'll be getting a feeling for where you'll be working half of the time."

The last part wasn't entirely true, but it wasn't _not _true, either. It had just popped into his head and was a hell of a lot better an explanation than _I ___didn't _____want _______to _________go ___________alone. ______

"Wait. You're moving __back___?" _

_"_Well, not _back_ exactly. I'll still be half an hour from the city. But just so we're clear, I'm two minutes out by suit, so keep that in mind if you ever need help. Or, you know, decide to do something stupid again."

"Yes, but that's two hours closer than the compound! That's so cool, isn't it? Kumbaya, my lord."

"Are you _religious__?" _

Peter giggled again. "Mr. Stark, you _really _need to learn more about Vines."

Those fucking wines were going to be the death of him, for christ's sake. It would make him go insane.

He ignored the kid and pulled up into the driveway of the house.

"This is... This is _awesome." _Peter breathed.

"What, my humble hut doesn't get a wine reference? It should."

"It's a _Vine. _With a _v._" Peter said without paying him any mind, just staring brightly up at the building until Tony honked the horn to get his attention.

Peter jumped and clamped his hands over his ears, hissing. "Ow. That was uncalled for, I didn't _do _anything."

Huh. Did the kid just assume him honking the horn was a punishment for .. something? He turned to look at him, catching Peter's glare.

"Well, then pay attention to me when I'm talking." He snapped and almost regretted it when the kid fliched. _That_ had been uncalled for, fuck. Well, damage done.

"I'm sorry." Or not. The kid sounded so sincere Tony actually found himself openly staring. What the _fuck _was he sorry for?

"Exactly _how _hightened are your senses, Peter?"

The kid actually _squirmed_ in his seat at that. Would have been adorable if this wasn't so serious.

_"Peter." _He snapped again. God, he was doing a fucking lot of that today, he shouldn't be surprised if the kid quit after his first day. "If you don't want to find out just how strict I can be, you better start talking _now." _

He turned to him with big eyes, looking for something in his face. He seemed to find it (or not find it?) because he just sighed and started talking. Hm. Impressive.

"Pretty heightened. If I pay attention I can hear people screaming from blocks away, but I've gotten really good at blending things out, or people yelling at me or around me, I can really just tune it up and down, now. I just wasn't expecting the honk, _honest._"

Tony considered him for a long moment before nodding, accepting the answer and opening the door. "Well, get a move on. We only have two hours before we're getting some food and I'm dropping you off at home."

It was slightly awkward between them, then, especially when Tony started to strut over to his interior designer and some of the workers, asking about the progress, none of them paying Peter any mind. It's not like Tony was used to having a literal _child _around, and it wasn't like he knew a fucking teenager needed to be told to behave and not touch anything.

But apparently, they did.

There was a huge crash that made Tony jump and he whirled around to stare at the kid. Peter jumped back, eyes wide with shock and he looked between the broken glass and Tony. "Oh, shoot, I'm sorry!"

Not even in his panicked state did the kid curse. Good for him.

"Fuck. What was that?"

The interior designer (what was her name again? Smith? Scott? Sloan?) looked about to throttle Peter or have a heart attack. Definitely one of the two.

"The glass railings for the steps in the foyer."

Tony looked at her like she was crazy. She probably was, actually.

"Why the hell would I want _glass _railings in the middle of my entrance hall? I said I wanted the Brazilian Mahagony. Jesus, what am I paying you for if you don't actually _do _what I say? I have my fiancée for that. Get it done the way I asked. And get it done fast."

He turned around then, walking towards Peter and hauling him along with a hand on his neck, down the stairs and into the area that would become his workshop.

"Please don't be angry. I just wanted to _look_. I didn't know the screws were loose."

"Why would I be angry? Did me a favor, really. But _never_ do that with something in the lab, yeah? Pain in the ass to clean up."

"So I'm not fired?"

Tony turned to look at him, really look at him. Eyes still wide and bloodshot, biting nervously on his lower lip, brows furrowed. God, the kid was anxious.

"No, kid, you're not. And now stop looking at me like that and turn around. This is going to be the workshop/lab area. We'll be working here most of the time as everyone at SI _and _at the compound are annoying the shit out of me. Contractor said in will be ready in two weeks."

"Oh."

"Oh? That's all you gotta say? This place is awesome. Come on, look again. It's big, it's going to be stocked with every tool imaginable. Okay, why aren't you excited? Spill it."

The boy didn't want to be alone  
with him. He didn't want to spend time with him. He had changed his mind about the internship. He had seen right through Tony's plan.

"I just.. If it's not ready next week, do I still get to come over to do _something?" _

_Oh. __**_Oh. _**_Did the kid actually _want _to spend time with him? Even without work? Fucking hell. This wasn't supposed to be happening, the kid wasn't supposed to be getting attached. He'd only hurt him in the end. Because the people close to him.. Well, fuck, they always got hurt in the end. He should put a stop to this right now, drop the kid off at home and let all communication go through Happy, find someone else to watch over his internship. Leave Peter Parker behind and let him be _whole._

"Sure. Maybe you should decorate one of the guestrooms, that way you can stay over if there ever are any emergencies or we need to have late nights in the lab."

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

He should have stopped this bullshit.

But who was he kidding? He _couldn't. _Because this afternoon had been the happiest he had been in a very long time. It had been quiet, almost peaceful. He couldn't give that up, even if it hurt the boy in the long run. He just couldn't.

"Uhm. That's very generous of you, but you don't need to spend money on me for a room I will barely ever be in."

He had refused because of _money?_ Of all the reasons he could refuse that was the one he chose?

"You do know that I'm a billionaire, yeah? Almost selfmade, too." Well, that was a lie. But he'd made the big family fortune into a huge one. Also spent huge amounts, but who cared?

"But.. it's space you could use for something else."

"True. But the house has ten fucking bedrooms, what am I supposed to use them all for? There is only so many guestrooms and sexchambers I have use for."

What the hell was be _doing? ___It _____had _______happened.____ He was actually and officially out of his mind, the biggest fucking loser and Idiot in the entire-

"Are you sure?"

Oh. Fucking oh.

"Well, it's more efficient if I can just send you to your room the next time you break something expensive."

Peter giggled at that, and god, everytime he did it was like a little puzzle piece shifted into place inside of Tony. Just a little piece, but working on the whole.

"That's so _cool. _Like, actually absolutely _amazing."_

"Yeah?"

"Yeah!"

Tony smiled at that, a real and genuine smile. Fuck, that felt weird. The whole thing was weird. He barely even knew the kid and he would get him a guestroom at the house just because..yeah, just because what?

Because he was fucking selfish. He knew that, but admitting that didn't make it easier to accept. But it didn't make him want to do it less, either.

And because he was still empty, still lonely, still fucking broken.

And in just a few hours Peter Parker had made it all quiet down, made it just the tiniest bit better. His annoying wines, and his weird little giggles, his innocence, his gullibility.

So, sue Tony for wanting that around as often as possible. And hell, If aunt hottie allowed him to stay over once a month, to work late.. Well, It's not like Tony could say no to that, now, could he?

Tony was selfish, Tony was an asshole, Tony was reckless, Tony was a horrible human being. He knew all that. But he couldn't bring himself to care, because right now... His mind is quiet.


	4. this isn’t happening… in a little while I’ll be gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from How to disappear completely by Radiohead

Having Peter around for the last few hours had been like taking two advils when having a migraine. Not quite getting rid of it all, but _helping. _Making it better.

He should actually just lay down on the floor right now, fall asleep, just a peaceful nap to get him through the night, Peter could- fuck. Of course. He'd promised the kid food. He should have fed him _hours _ago, but he'd been selfishly enjoying the silence in his head so that he'd kind of forgotten about the kid's needs. Well, fanfuckingtastic. He would be a great dad, wouldn't he? Letting his kids starve to death.

From now on there would be after school snacks __and dinners__ on his Internship days. He'd have to make it up to Parker. Super metabolism would have to have him starving by now.

"Where do you want to go for dinner?"

"I get to _choose?" _

Tony sighed heavily. He had no patience for any of this, how did parents _survive _without actually murdering their kids on a daily basis? How, how, how? And this had just been a stupid question, nothing more. Jesus. He was going to either die or kill someone. But at least it would be quiet. Still a pretty damn good deal.

"No, Peter, I just asked you to wait for your reply to then tell you that that would be the last place we'd be going."

"Oh."

Jesus Christ. He wasn't serious. He understood sarcasm, yeah? He had to. Deep breaths. Hitting the child without a reason would probably result in resentment. And fuck, a law suit. That would be bad fucking press.

"Yes, you get to choose, you moron."

That was harsh, but oh well. Kids needed to learn and honesty was very important. _All_ of his twelve therapists in the last few months had said so.

"Oh, _sweet." _Peter said, completely ignoring the whole moron thing. "Can we get _thai?" _

Tony was mere seconds away from snapping that he didn't ask _what_ but _where _the kid wanted to eat. But he shut himself up before he could do so, so instead he let sarcasm drip from his words. "Sure. Any _place _you have in mind?"

"Nope." Peter said happily and beamed up at him. How did _not _knowing make the kid so happy? Kids were _weird. _And this one especially.

"Oh, goody." He rolled his eyes when he ushered Peter into the car. "Come on, _move. _I don't have all night."

Well, that had been a lie. He did have all night and he should be trying to keep the boy longer than rushing him home but there was no way that he'd ever let the kid know that this was beneficial to himself in any way _other_ than granting Peter an internship to keep an eye on Spider-man.

"Sorry." Peter mumbled apologetically and Tony wondered if he was ever anything but polite and kind. The one time the kid had been pissy it had been when he had felt like he was being treated unfairly. He hadn't been, by the way, Tony had been more than fair. He'd said it before and he'll say it again- if Peter had been his _son_ and had pulled the ferry stunt.. halle-fucking-lujah.

"No worries, no worries. Friday will find us the best place close by, won't you, honey?"

"Yes, boss. The route has been set into the navigation system. Drive safely."

"Do you take all of your interns out for dinner?" Like with every single one of Peter's questions, he seemed genuinly interested and curious. Weird kid.

"...Yes."

"How many interns does SI have?"

"SI has around thirty long term interns, at least to my knowledge. Didn't go to the last few boardmeetings, because fuck no, so Pepper may have hired a hundred more."

"And you take all of them out for dinner?" He could feel Peter's eyes on him once again, shooting questionmarks like gunshots. God, that kid was annoying.

"I didn't say that, now, did I?"

"You said you take all of your Interns out for dinner, though."

"Yup. All of _mine. _Not SI's. You really, really need to work on your listening skills. Has your aunt ever told you? Maybe a teacher? It's a nuisance."

Peter ignored that comment completely in favor of continuing to stare at him. "Well, how many interns do _you _have?"

"I have _you._ And believe me, you're plenty."

"Oh. Sweet."

Sweet. Well, sure, why not. Tony wouldn't exactly agree with the sentiment, but who the hell cared.

"Yeah, fucking sweet."

"You shouldn't swear so much. Watch your language and all that, my aunt says it makes people seem less educated than they really are."

_Language language language language language language language language language_

Not now, __not now,__ ______****not fucking now.****______

Suddenly everything was too bright and too loud and too stuffy and too _everything_ and it's all Tony can do to pull the car over and open the door to tumble out onto the gravel on the side of the road. There was no fucking air in the car, and there was even less air out here and he _can't fucking ___breathe. __Everything seemed to be turning and rumbling and he scratched at his suit, trying to loosen his tie because it was suffocating him and he couldn't _breathe. _

"Mr. _Stark?" _

"Don't touch me, don't touch me, don't _fucking_ touch me." He said it like a mantra, gasping for air, trying to fucking breathe.

"I'm not, I'm not! What can I do? Are you okay? Are you having a heart attack? An anxiety attack? Do you need an ambulance? Medication? Water? Or do you-"

"Shut. The. Fuck. Up." He hissed, hands now pressed onto the little rocks around him, feeling for things, trying to snap _back _to.. back to ____what?____ Wasn't dying better than _this?_

Someone was going to get hurt, he would get hurt, or Peter would, or Rhodey or Pepper and he hadn't told her he loved her in so long and... And it would be his fault, his fault, his fucking fault, he'd _started _this, fucking hell, someone make it _stop. _

This wasn't real, this wasn't real, this wasn't real, this _couldn't_ be real.

And suddenly, there was a hand on his back, not quite touching, but not _not _touching him either, then a hard grasp in his shoulder, softly pulling him back into reality. "Mr. Stark, please, you're scaring me."

Scaring _who? _He looked up then, blinking rapidly. "Peter? Fuck. Shit. Sorry. Oh, fucking fuckidy fuck."

He turned to sit down, leaning against the car, head hitting it with a thump. Well, so much for the silence. There was _no way_ he would be seeing or meeting the kid again after what he had just witnessed. This one had been bad, embarassingly so. He had been _somewhere,_ he couldn't remember it now, really, but it had been _dark. _Suffocating. He swallows bile down again.

"I'm _sorry." _Peter sounded close to tears now. What the hell was that fucking child sorry for, now? It was giving him a headache.

He should have known it had been too good to be true. The whole afternoon had been so quiet and peaceful and now the numbness he'd been allowed to feel was catching up to him, everything crashing down once again.

"I'm so sorry. I googled it, and it said that _talking_ would help, and I think it's over, but maybe it'll help? I don't know. But I'll try. And you keep breathing, yeah? Like me? In and out and so on. And.. uhm. I'll tell you about the little girl I saved this week, how about that? She was trying to catch a bird on her windowsill and he reached too far out and it was just a coincidence that I saw her fall out, you know, and that I managed to catch her. I took her right up again. It was so crazy, if I hadn't stopped to buy a pretzel a few minutes earlier, I-"

Tony stared at him, not really knowing what to say, but he felt his breathing going back to normal, something close to embarassment now fully overshadowing his panic.

"I couldn't get out of my suit fast enough a few weeks ago, and I peed all over the bathroom floor."

"Uhm.. thanks?"

"You don't need to be embarassed."

_"What?" _

"You've got that look in your face. I'm just saying that all of us have lived through embarassing moments. Some public, some private. But they are _there. ___So__, you having a panic attack shouldn't be something you're embarassed about. I won't think any less of you, you know?"

Tony just looked at Peter, still not sure what to say. What was the kid thinking? What was he seeing? What the _hell _was going on here? They were sitting in the dirt, sharing stories like fucking girlscouts. They should light a bonfire and braid their hair, next. Fucking hell.

"Whatever, kid, let's keep going. I need to feed you before I take you home."

The last supper.

"I don't think you should be driving right now."

He looked at the kid, then, and down to his shaking fingers. Maybe he was right. Maybe he _shouldn't _be driving just yet. But he shouldn't be sitting on a dirty road in the middle of nowhere, either. "Fine. You drive, then."

He ignored all of Peter's protests of _I ___don't _____have a _______learner's _________permit._____ He was practically _allowing _him to break the rules.

"Peter. Rules are meant to be broken. Well, not _my rules._ Those are meant to be followed, you hear me? But I'm giving you _permission._ If we get caught, I'll take care of it. Promise."

Peter, in turn, ignored all of his protests that Tony could get up on his own. In all fairness, he probably really couldn't. So Tony found himself pulled up by a literal human spider and shoved inside the passenger seat.

"There's no actual key, so you press the button- _Jesus, _Peter, just fucking press it. That's the signal. Those are the gears, you will actually just need park and drive, maybe reverse. Remember to use the signal when you change lanes, remember to look over your shoulder, too. The car has sensors that will help you do all that. Driving an automatic car is _easy_. Like falling asleep."

Well if that wasn't the biggest lie Tony had ever told- driving a car _was _easy. Falling asleep _wasn't. _Not anymore, at least. He'd lost that along the way.

It was actually tragic that this had to end, the whole personal intern thing. Because - and there was _no way _Tony would admit it out loud - it was _nice_. Sure, annoying as hell, but _nice._ Fuck. Why did the kid have to be there to witness that? Why, why, why could it not have happened any other day? Or, maybe, just a smaller attack?

Because he was Tony Stark and shitty things fucked up his life on the daily. Splendid.

They didn't drive to the thai place, instead Peter pulled into the next Wendy's he saw and practically ordered everything on the menu. Tony nibbled on some fries while Peter inhaled burger after burger. Fuck, he had _starved_ the kid.

And the employer of the year award goes to..

There was no mindless chattering, no conversation, just awkward silence and chewing sounds. Actually, pretty disgusting.

"Are you.. do you want to drive?" There was something in Peter's voice, maybe hope? Tony had no Idea if he hoped that Tony would take over or that he wouldn't want to, and actually.. Tony didn't care. Right now he just didn't care about what the kid wanted, he couldn't bring himself to do so.

"You're driving. Put it in Reverse, yes exactly, and now use the rearview camera to drive out of the spot - slowly, Parker, _slow ___down - __and tell Friday where you want to go. Either home or drive around a little, I seriously don't give a damn."

It was silent in the car, still. Peter made no move to turn on the radio, and Tony didn't either. Neither talked. Suddenly the lulling of the car seemed soothing again, so unlike the death trap of memories it had been an hour and a half earlier. What time was it? Tony glanced at the little neon clock of the radio. Almost eight. That was fine. He'd just close his eyes for a second, enjoying the peace that Peter Parker's company brought him before telling the kid that he'd find him a different supervisor for his internship.

Just one second..


	5. Don't you know I'm no good for you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from When The Party's Over by Billie Eilish

Tony sat up with a start, only held back by a seatbelt. A fucking _what, _now? He blinked, eyes finding Peter rolled into a ball on the seat next to him. The kid was awake, if barely so.

"What the _fuck?" _

He moved his neck until it cracked, never moving his eyes from the kid. He glanced at the small clock between them. That _couldn't _be right.  
"Peter, what time is it?"

"A little after five, sir."

Five. The last time he had checked the time it had been _eight._ And if his math was right, which it always was, that would be nine hours ago. Nine fucking hours. He hadn't slept nine continuous hours since.. well, he couldn't remember. A normal night were two or three, a _good_ night were five. He was pretty sure he had barely slept nine hours in the last few days combined.

"You seemed like you needed it." Peter said with a small smile and that innocent stare in his eyes.

"So you decided that we'd just spend the night by the side of creepy park in a three hundred thousand dollar car. And all that _so I ___could _____sleep?" ___

Peter faltered, eyes downcast and cheeks flushed. He looked incredibly young like that, if it wasn't for the fact that he sat behind the wheel. Or maybe that made him look even younger, who the fuck knew anymore.

"Yes. I.. I thought..I just thought that-" whatever he thought, Tony would never find out because Peter's voice got quieter and quieter until it couldn't be heard at all. He was definitely scared of.. of what? Tony? Getting in trouble? Well, something.

"_Peter." _Tony made himself look at the kid, waited until he looked him in the eye. "That was incredibly stupid and dangerous. And your aunt must be worried sick, or did you tell her where you were? Did you lie to her again?"

"I swear I didn't!! She is working a nightshift and I thought, you know, no harm done if she doesn't find out. I just thought that.. you looked so tired today. And in all the pictures in the media you look exhausted and I thought.. oh, _no,_ am I fired?"

Peter was giving him an excuse, a fucking _excuse _to fire him. It was right there - a_ chance _to end this whole bullshit. It would be the perfect solution. He wouldn't have to look him in the eye again after that fucking embarassment of a night (the __attack______.____ And had he snored? Drooled? Fucking _whimpered_ in his sleep, maybe?) and Peter would get to be whole again.

Whole, not like Tony. Not empty, not lonely, not fucking broken.

Yes. He should fire the boy right now. He opened his mouth to tell him so and tried to school his expression.

"No. Can you stop thinking you're fired at every god damn chance? It's annoying as hell."

He should have fired the kid. It would have been the selfless thing to do, really. But Tony wasn't selfless, he _couldn't _be right now because fuck it, he had _slept. _Really slept. For nine fucking hours. No nightmare, no restlessness, no tossing and turning.

He'd fucking slept like a baby. And Peter Parker's presence had to be part of that, so fuck, how could he fire him? How, how, how?

If he ever told someone that a fucking fifteen year old child that was in no way or form related to him was the only thing calming him down, they'd have him admitted to some asylum. It wasn't cute it was downright _creepy__._

A small part of him _hated _himself for this. He couldn't even _thank _the kid because that wasn't really his style, now, was it? And what was he supposed to say? Thanks for keeping me company while my head won't shut up? But he should. Maybe not with words, but with something. Maybe actually start paying him for his internship?

So.. basically paying him for keeping him company? Could he get anymore _pathetic__?_

"Okay. Fuck. How about I get you breakfast before I drop you off at home?"

Peter nodded enthusiastically and hopped out of the car like he hadn't just spent the last trillion hours curled up into a human cat. His life really wasn't fair.

He pushed himself out of the car with less (a lot less, but whatfuckingever) grace than a hippo to walk to the other side.

"Uhm, Mr. Stark, would you mind.. uhm, I really need to pee." Peter pointed towards the trees and Tony just stared.

And stared. And stared and then he laughed.

He actually _laughed. _

Fuck, he'd forgotten how that felt. It wasn't one of those beginning-to-laugh-and-not-being-able-to-stop things, but it was genuine. Real. He waved the kid ahead, a smile still playing on his lips when he got into the car.

He drove them to the diner Friday suggested and promised the waitress a tip triple the Check If she didn't let anyone know they were there.

Peter babbled excitedly and Tony wondered If that's how it was when one had a toddler- those things were never quiet, either.

But even though Peter talked non stop (and made Tony actually _join_ the conversation, damn those fucking puppy eyes) and it was loud and there was so much fucking noise- his mind was still calm. Still almost quiet, just the rushing of a river in the background instead of the thunderstorm it had become, lately.

"So." Peter said with his mouth full of pancake (which Tony could see very clearly, thank you very much). "Where are you staying? Like, are you driving back to the compound? Or are you, you know, spending the day at SI?"

Tony shrugged his shoulders, eating his eggs. Those were actually _good. _He couldn't remember the last time he'd been actually hungry _and _had enjoyed his food. Jesus, what was going on today?

"You know, we barely did any work Yesterday, like at all, and I could come along, maybe? You said that I would be trailing you sometimes. I don't have any plans, I could just, you know, help you with stuff."

Tony stared up at him. What the hell was happening? Did he feel obligated to supervise him? _He _was the _adult_ for fuck's sake.

"Why?"

"No reason, I just thought, you know, it could be nice."

No. No, No, No. Nonononono.

Whatever this was, he shouldn't let it happen. Shouldn't let the kid get attached because he would get fucking hurt at some point. Because, fuck, if his presence didn't calm Tony down, he would have no use for him, no fucking use whatsoever. If this stopped working next week, he'd cast him aside like a smoked cigarette, because that was just the selfish, fucked up person he was.

He knew it, Pepper probably did, too (because she'd left him, fuck, and that fucked with his mind more than he'd like to admit to himself- coming back didn't erase that) and Peter should by now.

How could the kid not see, not _understand_ how fucked up he was? How broken?

Because he was. He was broken, and he was broken beyond repair. If anything, the last fourteen hours with Peter had shown him that even more. That boy was so _pure_ and real and He was anything but.

He'd killed people. Many people. Some because he wanted revenge, some because they _needed _to die, some because he couldn't save them. But he had _thousands _of people on his conscience. Didn't the kid _know _that?

"I don't think I'll do anything you would learn from, Peter."

"Yeah, but it would be fun, wouldn't it? May will just be asleep all day. I'd be _bored._ You could show me around SI and I could show you some vines?"

God, that sounded like heaven. But he couldn't say yes to that, could he? He shouldn't allow the kid to get attached in any way, because Tony was _using _him. Peter didn't know that, but Tony certainly did. Made him an even bigger jerk.

"Yeah. You know what, why not."

Tony did show Peter around SI, but when he hesitantly asked to see the former Avengers quarters it took all of him to not slap him (and that would have been undeserved, really) and he ushered him upstairs to his personal lab.

His penthouse was so unpersonal that he didn't even _blame _the kid for asking if anyone actually lived there. It didn't look lived in, and while he didn't spend much time there anymore, Pepper certainly did, but the kid was right- with the weird modern art it looked more like a catalogue than a home.

It certainly didn't look lived in.

"Why don't we order that Thai food you were so crazy over yesterday, and you show me some wines?"

"Are you doing this on purpose? It's _vines_, with a _v._"

But he dropped down on the couch, happily and let Tony show him how to turn on the huge tv. While they were munching on food, Tony found himself actually laughing, again (because damn it, that kid got hit with a basketball) and again and again.

It was partly the vines with a v, and partly Peter's reaction and the way he glanced at him to see if he was enjoying it. But it didn't make it less real, and he had his numb cheeks to show it.

"I should take you home." He said it with regret, but the kid had spent twentyseven fucking hours with him and he _should _be getting home.

Peter's face fell but he nodded.

When Tony dropped him off in Queens, Peter turned to him hesitantly. "Maybe we can do this again next week. I mean, not _all _of it. Maybe sleep on the couch instead of a car, but you know what I mean."

Tony stared. Had the kid just asked for a sleepover?

How could spending time with an old man not sound boring to him? Did he have some kind of daddy issues?

With a start Tony realized that that was probably it. The boy had lost his father very young, he'd lost his uncle only two years ago. He was probably starving for some male attention, for some guidance, for a father figure?

And fuck, couldn't he be that for him in some way, maybe?

If the kid was dependent on him, too, then he'd want to be around.

Fuck. How could a single person be as big as a fucking asshole as Tony? But if the kid needed a father figure and a mentor, fuck it, he'd be that for him, if just to make him want to stick around.

If he fucked up Peter (because he would, there was no kidding himself) then he'd at least let the kid enjoy some of the perks of knowing him. New technology, maybe, some brand name sneakers.

Still empty, still fucking broken... But just a little less lonely.

"Sure, Pete. Why don't I talk to your aunt about it? I'll call her sometime this week."

When Peter smiled and hopped out of the car to run inside, Tony's heart felt lighter than it had in a while. Just six days until it would be quiet again. He could survive six days.


	6. I'm waiting for the agony to stop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from Let The Happiness In by David Sylvian

Tony fumbled with his sleeve, looking up and then down again. Most of his anxiousness was an act at the moment. He had learned at a _very_ young age how to behave so people would see him a certain way.

Worked wonders everytime he got into trouble at school.

But a small, tiny, non defining part of him was nervous because if she decided to say no, that would be it. Tony was many, many things, but he wasn't a kidnapper. At least.. not anymore. One of his resolutions.

"Okay, Mrs. Parker, I know I'm not your favorite person in the world, but-"

"Oh, why would you think _that? _Because you stormed in here, _knowing _that my nephew was Spider-man, whisking him off to go to _Germany _when he was _fourteen _years old and all of that without talking to me lately?"

"I know. I'm sorry."

What the _hell. _Why was he apologizing? Well, not why. He had plenty of reasons and he _should _be apologizing but he was usually too proud to do so. Too proud, too idiotic, too Tony Stark.

"Thank you." She sounded surprised, if anything, and he couldn't even blame her. _Some_ of the rumors about him were true, after all.

"It's just.. he's all I have left, you know? It's him and I left and that's it. And I just want to keep him safe and I'd do _anything_ to do that, but I can't, you know? This new life of his - I _can't _keep him safe."

Her eyes were glassy and Tony silently begged her to not start crying. He wouldn't be able to handle that, he'd always been horrible with crying people- not even Pepper was an exception. It _scared _him. But May Parker just blinked a few times, and stared up at him again with a shake of her head.

"But _you _can. You can keep him safe. You're _Iron ___Man__."

He liked where this was going. If May Parker thought he'd help her keep Peter safe, she wouldn't have a problem with them hanging out. Ew, that sounded like he was fourteen, not almost fourty. But, Point was the same. The fact that Peter Parker was a reckless individual who would need to be locked into his room to be kept _safe _was something he wouldn't tell her. So he just nodded. Technically, he was sure he could keep him somewhat safe.

Or teach him how to not be reckless. Okay, that would be Impossible when he was the most reckless of them all, the one who flew a missile into a wormhole, who would have put his life on the line for every single person he cared about.

And wouldn't it be impossible when he literally thought dying could be the salvation his soul needed?

"Do you care about him?"

"Yes."

His answer had come fast, it had been what she wanted to hear, so it needed to be said. Did he care about the kid? Sure, in some way. He didn't want him _dead _after all, and he kept his mind quiet when he was there. But Tony didn't let himself care for other people. Every single one of them but Happy had betrayed him at one point, even if they had meant well. He didn't _need _any more people with that power.

Not when Pepper was back, and not when even she had left him behind.

Not when he couldn't look Rhodey, his oldest friend in the eye anymore because Tony had ruined his life.

It _hurt. _

"Good. Then _teach _him how to be a Superhero, I'm _begging_ you. Train him, und explain to him and keep me in the loop. I know it's a lot to ask-"

"No, I'll do it."

He had come to her place to try to get her on his side, so she wouldn't call the cops if Peter spent more time with him. If they worked late or if he had a loud day and needed his fucking mind to shut up and picked the kid up for dinner. He had been prepared to beg. To offer money. And she was.. now she was the one begging. He had no idea how that had happened, but he liked it.

"Oh god, _great_. We'll agree on some ground rules and you'll _promise _to update me?"

When he walked out of there half an hour later, he was on a power high. It happened sometimes when he got exactly what he wanted and this time, he'd got it for free.

It was only tuesday and he'd get to pick up Peter from school with _permission_ for superhero training.

He had no Idea _how _May Parker had agreed, but on tuesdays, fridays and saturdays Peter Parker would be working with or for him.

Neither of them had asked the kid what he wanted, they had just decided that it was best for him. Tony would have thrown an absolute fit if this had been about him and some grown ups had just _decided_ that that's how his life would go.

He _had _thrown a fit everytime his parents had decided something or other _for _him.

But caring about what Peter wanted wasn't Tony's job. His job was to care about himself, for once. That's what all of his shrinks had said. That he came first, that his needs came first.

And what Tony _needed_ was sleep and a quiet mind and apparently, those were things that Peter Parker could give him. 

He'd been busy, the last three days. He'd been at the new house non stop, setting up his new lab and he had spent a _lot _of time thinking about what to tell Pepper. She _hated _when he decided things without her and they'd been fighting a lot lately, because ever since they had gotten back together it had been rocky.

Not for her lack of trying, though.

She'd been.. she'd been all in again from the moment he showed up on her doorstep drunk and crying and just so _lonely. _The next morning, when they were lying in a sweaty, tangled mess he realized that it hadn't fixed shit. He was still Tony and she was still not ready to accept that. But he had been so fucking lonely that he had needed her to come home to just as much as he needed air to breathe.

She loved him, though, he _knew _that. He knew that he was a lot to handle but she shouldn't be making promises she couldn't keep. Everyone left, in the end. But he couldn't live without Pepper. When she was gone he wasn't just broken, he was incredibly _lost._

But he realized quickly that with her busy schedule and their many fights (yes, those were his fucking fault, too) she wasn't the salvation he needed. He glanced at his Phone, quickly pressing _ignore _on the phonecall that lit up his cell. He was in _no _mood to talk to Rhodey. As much as he loved him, talking to him always reminded him of whose fucking fault those injuries were- they were his. He should have.. he should have stayed back. Should have shut the fuck up about the accords and he shouldn't have.. He shouldn't have found out about Bucky fucking Barnes. Everything could have been fine. Fuck. His breathing was shallow now, and he can feel panic rising. He didn't_ want_ to feel it, though, so he swallowed and got out of the car, breathing deeply and digging his nails into his palms, keeping himself grounded.

He hadn't thought about what being so visible in the front of a fucking school would do, and he startled when he looked up to see way too many people staring at him. He saw Peter walking over and leaned against the hood. Appearing anxious in front of strangers wouldn't do.

"Peter." He called with his typical Tony Stark smirk. "Ready to go?"

Peter's eyes were opened wide and he glanced back towards some of his friends before hurrying down towards Tony. "Mr. _Stark?" _

"The one and only." He said with a charming grin. "Come on, hurry up, we're going shopping."

Peter was _very _confused when he got into the car but it changed to happiness and excitement when Tony explained his deal with May.

How could the kid be _happy _about any of this? How could he _enjoy _spending time with Tony? It was absurd. Absolutely absurd at best. 

"What are we going shopping for?"

"Things for the house. We're getting thinks for that room of yours."

If anyone heard Tony talk, they'd think he was high, wouldn't they? And they wouldn't be _completely off. _Who the hell knew if all the stuff from the last few days had already left his system? He could test it, but he didn't want to know the answer.

He didn't want to add _irresponsible _and _high on ___cocaine __to the list of things he was doing to ruin Peter. Fuck. But it had been so loud in his head after saturday, so fucking _loud_ and with Peter gone and Pepper still in fucking Japan or China or maybe Germany by now, it had been unbearable. So he'd snorted some stuff, enjoying the feeling while it lasted. Coming down, of course, had been hell. So much worse than it used to be so he snorted again. Coming down the second time had been the worst he'd felt in _years_ and that's how he ended up in May Parker's place, ready to beg for time with Peter. Because fuck, that kid made the voices better.

Why did the universe want them close together?

"You _meant _that?"

Yes, he'd meant it because he was fucking _desperate._ And pathetic. And   
pitiable. And a coward. He could go on and fucking on. Friday and saturday had been bliss compared to the hell of the last few days. He hadn't even lasted three full days before he went to May Parker, tail between his legs. He'd practically served her his balls on a silver platter, _begging. _Wow, Pep wouldn't like that metaphor.

"Obviously. Now where do you want to go?"

Peter just stared at him, obviously confused but he nodded after a few moments. "Ikea?"

"Of all the places you could choose, you choose.. Ikea?"

"Uhm. Yes?"

"Are you asking or telling?"

Peter looked torn, completely unsure. He obviously wanted to please Tony, but he also wanted to prove that he could stand his ground. Good for him.

"Uh..I'm telling?"

Tony rolled his eyes, but it was close enough. "Fine, Friday, love of my life, direct me to Ikea."

Their trip to that hellhole of a store was a mixture of fun and _horror._ There were so many fucking people and screaming kids and sulky teenagers and cheap furniture but Peter was having fun and that made Tony have fun. Even though he'd rather _die _than admit that. To absolutely _anyone. _

"No, but you _have _to eat Köttbullar while we're here." Peter said and dragged him to a cafeteria. "It's _tradition._ And like, typical swedish food. You'll love it."

He looked so excited and proud that Tony didn't have the heart to tell him that he'd actually eaten swedish meatballs in _sweden__. _Cooked by a chef in a high-end restaurant whose chef would rather chop of his hand than _touch_ the food they were serving here.

But he wanted to humor Peter, so he ordered four servings of meatballs and Peter ate three of them, plus some of Tony's leftovers. The food was edible, at least, even if it was _far_ from _good. _

"Do you realize that it's going to take us at least ten hours to go downstairs and pick out all the things we wrote on that piece of paper? Why don't we just order it online and have it _shipped_ and put together?"

Peter shook his head. "But Mr. _Stark_. That's half the fun. We have to go downstairs and find all the right boxes and then we have to put it together _together _and you have to get mad because it's a waste of time and the instructions are horrible and make no sense _whatsoever__. _All of the family youtubers do it that way!"

"We could put all of this bullshit together without a fucking manual." Tony grumbled and almost cringed when Peter's eyes lit up.

"Okay, deal."

Well, why the hell not. He had nothing better to fucking do, anyways.

He pulled his hat deeper into his eyes. How noone had recognized him yet amazed him, but it was definitely for the best. If Happy found out about him going to Ikea without any kind of security, he'd tell Pepper and he'd have to sit through two fucking lectures.

"Well, go put those trays back so we can get going before I change my mind and you get nothing. You know, I could probably tip the staff to clean up, but it's important that you learn to do it."

Peter just grinned, but got up to clean up their table. Tony had watched the other guests do it. A weird fucking concept, but what should he expect from a store that called their furniture Kallax and _Billy?_

The only acceptable Billy was Boy and he already strongly disliked that one. He _much _prefered being in a steady relationship because of the fact that condoms were completely replaced by the pill. _Amazing._ He had always been careless, but he'd never been _stupid _about it. Yay for contraception.

It took them an hour and three full carts and a small nervous breakdown on Tony's part when they couldn't fit all the fucking boxes into his car.

"You know." Peter said happily. "It was kind of stupid to drive to Ikea in a sports car. It's like in that meme with the sofa and-"

"Don't," Tony rounded on him. "Don't you _dare _finish that sentence."

The Kid, of course, was right. It had been stupid. They had bought so much crap (that would probably break within the week because _that _couldn't be called quality) that there was no _way _it would fit. He hadn't even _thought _about it until they made it down to the garage. Maybe he had finally snorted out his brains, who knew.

"I'm ordering a deliveryvan." Tony huffed. "Then it's not my problem anymore."

Peter thought the whole thing was hilarious and at first, Tony was annoyed. But that seemed to amuse the kid even more and suddenly he couldn't bring himself to be annoyed anymore so he sat down next to Peter on one of the boxes and listened to him tell a story about the time his Aunt May tried to make swedish meatballs herself and they all ended up with food poisoning.

He was so engrossed in putting all of his attention on Peter that he didn't think about anything else. It wasn't even a conscious decision, this time, it was more of a _forgot ___to _____be _______upset t____hing. He didn't pay attention to it until the driver showed to transport their purchases and.. it all just came into existence again. That fucking guy looked like he could be Captain America's fucking long lost brother. The chicks probably digged him.

"Was this a spontaneous purchase?" He questioned with a chuckle and a raised eyebrow. Fucking _hell. _

"Yes." Peter said and jumped up to help load the stuff while Tony didn't lift a finger. That's what he fucking _paid _the guy for. A little too much, too.

It was obvious that the man recognized Tony, but was professionell enough to keep his mouth shut. Wise decision.

"I'll have staff there who'll take the boxes off your hands." He said while getting into the car. It took _three_ ___fucking___ minutes for Peter to follow. He was actually close to getting out again to haul the child into the car.

"He was nice." Peter smiled when he _finally_ got into the car.

"What would have been _nice ___would _____have been you _______not _________letting ___________me _____________wait." _______

"Well, you were being rude to him."

"I wasn't being _rude_, I am _paying _him to do his job. No _need _to help him."

Tony was trying hard not to race the car back towards the city. He speeded whenever he was annoyed and it was one of his funnest (and stupidest) habits.

"Well, Sirius Black said If you want toknow what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals."

"And what does it say about me?"

Peter thought for a long moment before answering. "That you think money can buy everything. That you're angry."

Tony shook his head. "No shit, Sherlock. And fuck, I know that money doesn't buy everything, believe me. But I know _what _it can buy. And it can buy people doing their crappy jobs."

Peter didn't answer, he just furrowed his brows and looked at Tony in a way that made Tony want to squirm in his seat. Not that he ever fucking would, he didn't even do that when _Pepper _stared at him. He was fucking proud of that, too. She could be scary as hell.

"Who is Serious Black?"

Peter startled at that, dropping the pen he was playing around with in favor of staring at Tony. "You got to be _joking? _Have you never seen Harry Potter?"

"Uh.. I've heard of it?"

"Are you _asking _or _telling?" _

"I'm telling, you little shit." But Tony was smiling, now. This easy bantering and joking reminded him _a ___lot __of how he used to be. Before everything went to shit.

"This is unacceptable, I hope you know that? Harry Potter is like Star Wars. You _have _to have seen it to be a functioning member of society."

He should tell the kid that he really wasn't a functioning member of society. He really wasn't.

"I have never seen Star Wars, either."

"You are _joking,_ right?"

Peter looked so scandalized that Tony almost wished he could give another reply. Almost.

"Nope. Not kidding."

"Woah. Okay. You _have _to watch it. Promise me!"

"I don't make promises if I might not keep them, you know."

Not after Pepper had broken hers. Not after he learned again and again and again and again that people's words didn't mean _shit. _He wanted his word to mean something. He _needed _his word to mean something. So, making promises about a movie he had no interest to watch? Nah. Not fucking happening.

"We could watch them together friday night." Peter looked at him with so much innocence that Tony had to look away. That poor kid. He shouldn't let him _care. _He should just tell him the deal's off and - yeah, he wouldn't do that. He needed the Kid around just a little while longer.

"We have enough planned with putting together those boxes, don't you think?"

"We can't do that all night, you know. We need to relax, too."

The kid wasn't _wrong. They'd ___have__ to do something, and it's not like they could fucking get high together- Tony would actually rather chop of his hand than let Peter sniff cocaine; or let him find out that Tony occasionally did, for that matter.

"We'll see."

No promises. Never any fucking promises.

When he dropped off Peter in front of his building the kid looked up with big eyes and that fucking smile.   
"Thank you. I had fun today. Did you have fun?"

Tony looked at him for a long moment, eyebrows raised before smiling. "Yes, Kid, I had fun, too."


	7. I know you have a heavy heart; I can feel it when we kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from Bright Eyes by Lua

Being Tony Stark came with many upsides. It came with many downsides, too. He had learned that before he could wipe his own ass. But that's just how it was. How it had always been and how it would always be.

One of those downsides were long ass meetings that never came to a conclusion.

Tony disliked a lot of things. He disliked a lot of people, too, and Thaddeus Ross was on top of that very list. He disliked everything from his voice ove the way he snortled when he talked to those stupid pants he always wore. Fucking idiot.

So spending his day talking to that imbecile annoyed him to no end.

Having to do that with Rhodey present made it worse. He'd done his best to avoid his best friend the past couple of weeks because seeing him had been fucking impossible. He'd made him the braces, he'd watched him learning to walk again and he'd.. he'd kind of lost it. It wasn't _fair. _Rhodey hadn't.. He didn't deserve _this._

"Tones." He snapped his eyes up to meet Rhodey's. He had been so deep in thought that he hadn't heard him approach, otherwise he might have..might have what? Hidden? Fucking childish.

"Rhodey." His smile was stiff. He could feel it himself, and he recognized the look in Rhodey's eyes. He wasn't really _excited _for the lecture, but he guessed he deserved it.

"I've been calling you, Friday said you were busy. Pep called me, said she couldn't reach you. She's worried. And I am, too. You have that look in your eyes, lately. The one you had when your parents died in the accident."

"Well, it wasn't an accident, now, was it?" Tony snapped. "They were fucking _slaughtered__."_

Rhodey took a step back, braces whirling as he did. His eyes wandered over Tony's, and his face tensed. "Tones, I'm sorry. I am. None of this should have happened, but you need to remember that I'm a grown man and I made the decision to stand by you because I believed you were right. Still do. We need to be held accountable, we _need _the accords."

"Do we, though?" His voice sounded tired, all of the sudden. He _was _tired. He'd been able to sleep well enough tuesday after his Peter day, but wednesday had been a catastrophe, he hadn't even taken a nap. He was _exhausted._ Just thirty hours until he could pick up Peter from school, and just thirtynine-ish until he could get some fucking sleep.

Before Rhodey could reply they were being ushered into a conference room and Tony could feel his blood pressure rise instantly. He _hated _that stupid face. Hated him for everything he'd said and done and how smug he looked and for the fact he'd almost murdered Bruce. Ross had hated Bruce so much he'd been willing to loose his daughter over it. Tony might not have kids, but they and their happiness should come first, always. Shouldn't they? The biggest mistake his father had made was _never_ caring about Tony's feelings and happiness. Maybe they could have been close. Maybe. Probably not.

The meeting went on and on. There was a lot of yelling, a lot of metaphorical finger pointing and some _actually_ raised middle fingers.

"Well, obviously _all _enhanced would have to register." Ross barked and it took every ounce of patience to not chuck his cup at him. That motherfucker. "Every last single one, secret identity or not. Otherwise the accords would be useless."

"Are you out of your mind?" Tony bit back. "How the fuck do you think that's going to work? Those people _want _to stay behind the scenes. They are not going to step forward, pointing a finger at themselves. And what will you do then? Kidnap them?"

"Of course not. Just scare them a little. You could help."

"You _are _out of your mind." Tony didn't know where the moron was going with this, but he didn't like it one bit. There was no way Ross knew about Peter, but it was all Tony's mind could jump to: protect Peter at all costs.

"You know what, I've had it. Working something out isn't my fucking job, I'm not a politician." Tony barked after eight hours of that nonsense. "It's your fucking job to find a solution for this mess. You want the accords, you work something out. I'm done."

"No you're not. You _signed_ the accords, you can't just walk away from them. You _care _about the rogues. If you want them back, you _make ___them _____sign___. It's not that hard."

"Fuck you, Ross. I don't give a _fuck _about what happens to them so why don't you watch me walk the fuck out of here? I've got a pretty nice ass."

He walked out, then, and slammed the door. He held back until he's made it into the backseat of the car, ignoring Happy's questions and raised the screen without even looking at him.

He could feel a panick attack bubbling, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce so instead he pulled the small bag from under the seat and clumsily emptied the contents onto his phone case, parting the powder into messy lines with his credit card before bending down to inhale the stuff.

If Pepper could see him now..

He missed her more and more, lately. He wasn't ready to tell her, though. Because telling her meant admitting that he needed her. That he needed her to come home, to fucking ignore all those meetings and concentrate on him instead, because he _needed _her. But fuck, he was too proud for that.

They hadn't even really _talked_ about any of the deep stuff yet, not since getting back together. So what was he _supposed _to do?

So instead he sat in the back of a car, snorting fucking cocaine (again) to run from his motherfucking problems (again) _his_ mother would be fucking proud.

Just twenty hours until he got to pick up Peter.

If someone had told him fifteen, ten, five years ago that he would be looking forward to mindlessly assembling furniture with a _teenager, _he'd have laughed in their face. But now.. now it became the highlight of his weekend. How fucking pathetic.

When Happy finally dropped him off at the house in Jersey, he waved him off, stumbling into the building himself. He wanted to be alone, and he didn't _need _Happy at the moment.

"Boss, just listen, there's-"

"Take the day off, Hap."

"It's midnight. So, tomorrow? And wait, you need-"

He didn't even look over his shoulder, walking into the house without a second glance at his friend. If he would have, maybe he would have seen the warning in his eyes, maybe he would have let him finish his sentence.

"Nice house."

He whirled around, eyes finding Pepper on the black couch, arms and legs crossed and brows furrowed. Fucking shit.

"Shouldn't you be in Japan?"

"I was in South Korea for the past two weeks, but sure. I _should _be in Germany right now, but you haven't called or texted or anything, really."

"So you came back?" He didn't know what to do with that information. She had _never _come home early before, not even when he'd begged her that one time. Of course, it had still taken her two weeks but she had come home. He grabbed the counter to steady himself, eyes never leaving Pepper.

"Obviously. I was worried." She sounded annoyed now. Really annoyed. "What a nice welcome."

He stepped closer, walking over to her and kissed her on the cheek before taking a step back, again.

"So not only do I come home to you buying a new house, I also come home to you high? And don't tell me you're not, dilated pupils are hinting pretty hard right now. That's fantastic, Tony, really."

"I haven't.. I mean, I'm not.. Fuck, Pepper, you were not supposed to be _here." _

"Where? In the country or in your house you didn't tell me about? And since when do you shop at Ikea?"

"Both." He should ignore her last question, for now. Explaining the whole Peter thing would be _weird. _Of course she knew him, and she knew _of _him, but explaining a set schedule  
as internship duties would only go so far if the boy stayed overnight every friday. He'd have his own room, damnit.

"Were you planning on having me move in here with you?"

Had he been? He didn't know. The house wasn't Pepper's style at all. Nothing he had chosen would have ended up on Pepper's list. But he didn't want to be without her, either. He had almost forgotten it in the last few weeks when she was gone, but he remembered it the second he saw her. It didn't matter that they had shit to work on, he wanted her there.

"Yes. I know I should have asked, I just.. I needed a project, Pepper. I needed something to work on."

"Why did you take drugs, then? If you had a project to come home to? God, Tony. I wasn't even gone for three weeks. You said you were doing _fine." _

"Well, I lied."

It's not like they had _really _talked. They hadn't been ready.

"Then tell the truth __now.__ I want this to work, Tony. I really do." Pepper sounded almost desperate now and a small part of him _liked _it. Liked to hear how she needed him, that she wanted him. Fuck, he was disgusting. Fucked up.

"You want to hear it? _Fine__._ After you left, I was in a bad place and after Ultron.. fuck, Pepper, everything just went to _shit. _I just wanted to fix things, I wanted to make it _better, _I thought signing the accords was the way to go."

It was almost painful to talk about, but he was talking himself into a rage and he _needed _to get it out. He _needed _her to hear it, too. Needed her to see how egoistic she'd been.. and what a piece of shit he really was.

"But instead I split up the team, and I fought against one of my closest friends. Seeing that video and seeing my parents murdered, it broke something in me. And Steve choosing Barnes over me, that broke something in me, too. Running after them, and fighting.. I thought I was going to die, Pepper, and I was ready for it, too. What would I have done? Killed Steve to protect myself? I could have _never _done that. But he was ready to kill me to protect Barnes. And I come home, and I couldn't handle it, so I showed up at your doorstep and when I tried to talk to you about it, you said I was being dramatic. Fuck, Pepper, I had lost almost _everyone _I cared about. And it's like I lost my mom all over again.. and you said I was being dramatic."

Pepper was crying now, and he didn't know if it was because of _what _he was hearing or __how__ he was saying it. Because damn, it was closer to yelling than talking. A lot closer. And it felt _good._

"And fuck, you should have never left in the first place. You _lied. _You said you would never leave me but as soon as I didn't drop what I truly cared about so you didn't have to worry, you fucking dropped me like I was a fucking nuisance. You said you _loved_ me."

"I do. I do love you! I thought you had forgiven me for leaving."

"I don't know how, Pepper. Fuck, I don't know _how _to forgive people."

"I didn't leave because I loved you any less. I left because I couldn't watch you put yourself in harm's way all the time. It almost killed me, Tony."

"So this is about you, now?"

"No, I'm just-"

"And what _fucking _changed? I'm still Iron Man. I'm still _me _and you're still _you." _

"Tony. _You_ came back to _me."_

"Well, Maybe I shouldn't have."

He didn't mean that. Fuck, he really didn't. Losing Pepper again.. He didn't know if he could survive that, Peter or no Peter.

Pepper looked hurt, now, but didn't speak. She just bit down on her bottom lip and nodded slowly, turning away from him.

"No, wait, please." He couldn't lose her, he _wouldn't_ survive this time. "I'm lost, Pepper. I'm fucking lost and I don't know what to do about it."

And suddenly she was in his arms, holding him close. They hadn't been very touchy feely lately- while they had been having a lot of sex, it had felt more like one night stands than sex with your girlfriend (or fiancée) should feel. He didn't even know how much he'd been craving her touch, her smell, the feeling of his sking against hers.

When he woke with Pepper curled around him a few hours later, he slipped out of her arms. Six in the fucking morning. But hey, three hours were better than nothing.

He went out to the pool, then, staring down into the depths of the water. Might as well face another demon today. Fuck, who knew, he still had a chance to turn his life around again, didn't he? To get control back?

He wanted to jump in. He really did. But the _thought _alone of water being all around him, of it entering his ears, his nose, his mouth- it made his skin dampen with sweat.

It was funny, really. For a while Afghanistan had been the worst that had ever happened to him.

Now it didn't even make the list.

Funny how these things went. But it had been eye opening. It had changed him. Made him a better person, in a way. Gave his life _purpose__. _

For a very long time, he had never felt as betrayed as he had felt by Obie back then.

And now.. now he wished he could go back to that.

He had had a _very _hard time trustig people after that. He'd been struggling. But he'd overcome it, in a way. Maybe he'd be able to do that again. To work it out.

He stood there and stared at the water, urging himself to move and just jump in, but never doing so. He wasn't ready, but to accept _that-_ it wasn't easy.

"Tony?"

He turned around, a small smile playing on his lips. "Hey, Pep."

"You haven't called me that in a while." Her smile was soft, movements considering and doubting, as If not sure if he wanted her close. "What are you doing out here? It's only nine. Come back to bed."

So he had been staring into a pool for three fucking hours. What the actual fuck was wrong with him? It was just _water._ He showered everyday. He _drank_ it everyday. It shouldn't be this fucking hard.

But he didn't want to dwell on it. He wanted to have a good day, because _Peter _would be coming over today and it was finally friday and he was just ready for everything to be relaxed again. Easy.

So instead of continuing to stare at the water, he stared at Pepper. She looked like an angel, his shirt draped over her shoulders, blonde hair falling down in waves. She was easily the most beautiful woman in all of fucking New York.

"Actually, I need to talk to you about Peter Parker."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any songs I should listen to, pleaaase recommend then! I have a long list of lyrics for my titles but I'd LOVE to find more.


	8. all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from It's Been A While by Staind (thank you to @happyaspie ❤️)

  
"I'm bored." Peter whined but continued to hammer at the small nails on the back of his Billy bookshelf (Billy. Really. Tony wouldn't get over that name anytime soon.)

Tony fixed him with a look. Just a few weeks ago the kid would have _never _dared to complain about..well, _anything. _How could he be getting comfortable enough so fast?

"If you're bored you can tell me how it can be that you tried to disable the tracker. Again. Did you have help? I know you did, you're not __that__ good at coding."

Peter busied himself with the rest of the nails _much _too quickly for Tony's liking. "Spill."

Peter threw him a long, calculating look, biting his lower lip before shaking his head.

"Okay. Well, after last time I put in the teenage rebel protocol that alerted me the second you tried to hack the code. It let you make the changes but reset itself to _my _protocols and settings. And that's how it will go every damn time, and I _swear _to god Peter, if you try to tamper with it again, you won't like the consequences."

Peter nodded.

"Verbal confirmation, please."

"Yes, sir." Peter's cheeks were red now and the look was almost endearing. Fuck. Tony shouldn't think that way. He wasn't _his _kid. He was an employee.

"Do you want to continue with this tomorrow? I think we have some movies to watch."

Peter perked up instantly at that. "Harry Potter?"

"Sure, Kid. What do you want for dinner?"

"Pizza?"

"Are you asking or telling?"

Peter giggled at that. Tony didn't understand _why_, it wasn't exactly a funny question or some kind of joke. But hearing him laugh relaxed Tony so it was whatfuckingever.

When they made their way down into the half furnished living area, Peter stopped to stare at Pepper's bra that they must have forgotten to put away. It had gotten heated multiple times and for all Tony knew, her thong could be in the kitchen. Fuck.

Peter was _far _too polite to say anything so he just glanced away as Tony took the bra and kicked it under the couch.

"Is Miss Potts, uhm, here?"

"Nah. She's staying at her condo in the city tonight."

Peter visibly relaxed at that and Tony filed the information away for later. Did the kid not like her? For all he knew they hadn't even _met _yet.

"So, what kind of pizza?"

"Uh, Hawaii, please."

"You _heathen__." _Tony gasped slightly, clutching at his heart. "Pineapple should _never go _on pizza!"

Peter stared at him with big eyes before the corners of his mouth pulled upwards. "Mr Stark. I've heard you talk about eating _pigeon_ and _guinea__pigs on a ___stick! __I won't take _your _opionion seriously."

"Excuse you, those are _delicacies__._"

"Well, I'm sure that pineapple on pizza is a delicacy in Hawaii."

"Okay." Tony said while wagging a finger. "That's enough. I think I really should take you to Hawaii for dinner next week, just so you can try some real Hawaiian food."

"So my punishment for liking food you don't like is going to Hawaii? _Sweet." _Peter giggled again and dropped down on the couch before putting his feet on the table.

"Shoes off before you do that." Tony chastised. Sometimes, in moments like these, he wondered how his father could have fucked up so bad with him. Was it really that hard to be a parent? Care for them, make sure they're happy, feed them. "Actually, I think we'll make it a shoes off house."

If Tony had known what he knew months later, that _yes_ being a parent was hard, he might have grounded him in foresight. But he didn't so he just ordered the pizza and sat down next to him.

"How is the Spider-manning going otherwise?"

"Good."

"Hmmm. By the way, do you have a curfew?"

Peter mumbled something that Tony couldn't understand. He poked the boy with two raised eyebrows.

"Yes. Yes. Uhm, I have to be home by eleven."

Tony pretended to think, tapping his chin. "Yes, I thought that's what Aunt Hottie mentioned. So how come your logs have been showing activities until three or four?"

"Those were busy nights, Mr. Stark. I, uhm, I sneaked out again after May went to bed."

"Ah. I reinstated the Baby Bed Time protocol. If you're not on your way home by eleven, I'll get notified. And if you go out again before the next morning, I will get a notification as well. And you really, _really _don't want me showing up to drag your teenage ass home."

Peter looked him in the eye before looking down again. "That's not really fair, you know? People need help at night, too."

"And you need your sleep at night. You need to be rested for school, and school comes first. Always."

"You didn't think that way when you laughed at me for wanting to complete my homework earlier this year."

"Well, times change. And school comes first."

Peter pushed his lower lip out and looked down and Tony almost laughed at how adorable he looked. Like a pouting toddler.

"Yes, _Sir."_

"Glad we agree."

"I don't _agree." _Peter huffed and continued to stare at his knees. Fuck, that kid was like a golden retriever who had just been scolded for barking.

"You don't have to agree, you know. You just have to do as you're told." Tony smirked. This was fun.

Peter fell asleep halfway through the third movie, his feet over Tony's lap. It was late. Way too late, he should make him go up to his own bed but - they hadn't exactly put Peter's bed together yet. Well, that had been smart. Instead he let his eyes drift close. A little sleep _never _hurt, did it? And right there it was warm and comfortable. He blindly pulled a blanket over Peter before adjusting himself so his neck was more comfortable and wouldn't kill him in the morning.

He woke to the smell of something burning, the sound of a firealarm beeping annoyingly and a panicked Peter prodding him. "Mr Stark, Mr Stark, Mr_ Stark. _Help."

He _really _needed to get Friday up and running in the house. She would have been _fucking _helpful. Why hadn't he done that yet?

"What the _fuck? _Go open the windows or something." He really should have had Friday installed the second he bought the house. That had been fucking careless on more than one account.

There was no actual fire when Tony got into the kitchen, just deeply burned.. bacon? Or maybe sausages. Could have been pancakes, really.

Peter looked close to actual tears. "I'm _sorry. _I just wanted to make breakfast for you and then I needed to pee and the shower looked __so__ cool so I just thought I'd-"

"Chill, I'm not mad. Let's just eat some cereal and sit by the pool, how about it? They're saying it may be the last warm day of the year."

"Yes, please."

And that's how Tony found himself sitting by the pool, feet dangling in the water with an excited Peter next to him, babbling about how the pool would be so much cooler with a slide.

"We'll just have to get one for next year, won't we?"

"Yeah." Peter said with a big and bright smile. "You should consider a diving board, too."

Tony snorted. He wouldn't even go _into _the pool, but he had no doubt he'd be installing both to make Peter happy.

"Move it, kid, I plan on finishing your room today."

It turned out that Peter had been right. Putting Ikea furniture together cost Tony a _lot _of his patience. A fucking lot.

"Fucking hell." He scoffed when they had finally (fucking _finally) _finished Peter's bed. It had been the most expensive one at the store and _he _had chosen it for Peter. All the other malm and brimnes beds looked like they would fall apart the first time Peter dropped down. So- it _had _to be a box spring.

"You curse so much less now." Peter said and singlehandedly pushed the bed into the corner it was supposed to be standing in.

Huh. Did he? He had no idea, so he ignored the remark and looked around. The room was cute, but boring. There was nothing there. No books, no clothes, no posters or decorations. He glanced at his watch. Five pm. Hm.

"We'll finish this on tuesday."

"Or.." Peter hesitated slightly, glancing up at Tony before looking away again. "Uhm. May is working all day tomorrow and it's supposed to be raining and patrolling isn't fun when it's rainy and, uhm, If you don't have any plans-"

"You want to stay an extra day?"

The kid _wanted _to stay. Tony wasn't _making _him. He hadn't even _offered. _Fuck. At least he didn't have to add _that _to his conscience.

"Sure. Why not. We could drive to Saks right now. Get some dinner at Masa."

"Or, you know, drive to Target and eat at Sweet Tomatoes?"

"Sounds like an adventure."

Tony had been right, as it turned out. Target _was _an adventure. It wasn't as bad as Ikea but it was the first and last time he'd go shopping there. The only good thing that could be said about the store was that there weren't that many people there.

"Look, they have Captain America merchandise. I think I really, really like those." Peter said and pulled a shirt out of the shelf.

"Put that back or I'll put you over my knee right here and right now."

Peter laughed and pulled out the matching pants. "You'd _never_ do that."

"Do you want to test me?"

Peter turned to glance at him with a calculating look, pausing midmovement before shoving the stuff back in messily. "They have Ironman pajamas, too."

Good fucking choice.

"Do they have Spider-man? Then I'm getting those and we can be matching."

Peter giggled and pulled out another set. "Woah. That is _so ___cool." __

Tony remembered the first time he'd seen IronMan merchandise. It had been _crazy. _He didn't blame the kid for getting excited. He didn't even blame him for bouncing around, looking for action figures and posters.

"I will buy you _whatever _you want if you put up this poster here of Ironman up in your room."

"Even the Captain America pajamas?"

"Yes, if you'll accept the consequences that come with that purchase."

He didn't think he would _really _smack the kid for buying the pajamas. He _might _do so for wearing them, though. He really didn't need to see the Captain's face around the house.

"No, thank you, Mr. Stark."

"Thought so."

The things they _did _purchase were cute. A few posters, a StarWars lamp for his bedside table, a few hoodies, their matching pajamas, some action figures and some books. It was _nothing _exciting. Boring, really. The _barest_ of minimums. He'd have to order some things online later.

The whole purchase wasn't even three hundred dollars.

"Oh. I'm _sorry." _

He looked at the kid completely confused when they were walking back down to the car with the paper bags. "What for?"

"That was _a ___lot __of money." Peter whispered. "I wasn't thinking. I'm _sorry._"

"You realize I'm a billionaire, yeah? That was basically pocket change. I _really _should be starting to pay you. Or, with how little we're actually working, it would be more of an allowance, huh?"

Peter's cheeks were bright red, hand on his neck. "No. That's fine. I don't hang out with you because you have money."

Well, even if he did, Tony wouldn't care. He was literally using the kid's company for his own benefit, it wasn't like he'd _blame _the kid for wanting benefits in return. But that wasn't how Peter was like. He _knew _that. Because Peter was a good kid.

"I know. And that's _why _it's fun buying stuff for you. How much is an allowance nowadays? I used to have an open credit card. Is that over the top? How about five hundred a week? Kid, help me out here. I have _no idea _what normal people do."

Guessing by Peter's reaction to the Target purchase that was a lot of money. And he kind of knew that, too. But Tony had _never _had a concept of money. He had spent more money at ten than some of his peer's family made in a lifetime. Money was just a tool to him. It was _there_.

"May gives me _fifty _a _month._" Peter gasped, shaking his head frantically. "I have _plenty." _

"Suuuuure." Tony said. He was really thinking hard on how to make this work. The kid could _really _use some new clothes. A new phone, too, actually. He'd have to grab one for him. Shoes- or were those sneakers _supposed _to look like that? Maybe it was fashion.

Maybe the kid didn't _need_ money, but he _should_ have some. Actually, he should probably offer to help Aunt Hottie out. He had more than plenty and she obviously, well..didn't.

"Okay. Well. Do you have a bank account? Where would I transfer the money to?"

"Yes, but I'm not _giving _you my information." Peter said proudly when they pulled into the parking lot of this weird restaurant he'd chosen. "Then you can't transfer me any money."

"You do realize that I'm Tony Stark, yeah? Friday, dear, when we researched Spider-man earlier this year and you found out everything about Peter Parker, did you find his bank information, too?"

"Of course, Boss. Would you like me to transfer money from your account?"

He looked at Peter smugly. Many people made the mistake to underestimate him, and Peter shouldn't be one of them. He _really _needed to set Friday up in the house, too.

"Listen, kid. I know how much you need to eat, and even though May knows about your jammies, I'm sure she doesn't exactly know what it entails. Let me transfer you money for snacks and groceries. You should never go hungry just because of the spiderbite. This is New York, even Sandwiches cost a fortune. You don't need to buy yourself crazy things, but let's agree on this, yeah? I'll transfer you an extra fifty dollars a week and you use it on fucking food. Deal?"

Peter nodded and Tony instantly instructed Friday to take care of it.

"And if you need _anything, _you let me know. Okay?"

Peter smiled timidly, but Tony didn't miss that the kid didn't reply. He _knew _that he'd be more comfortable spending his money at some point. He should really give him money when he dropped him, an apology of sort. A goodbye present. Fuck, wasn't he a sweetheart?

The restaurant was an even bigger adventure than Target.

"You didn't tell me this was a _buffet." _

It was a buffet alright. And not a good one.

"You wouldn't have said yes then. You would have probably threatened me with a spanking or something instead."

Tony snorted while throwing some croutons onto his salad. "Well, you're probably not wrong."

This place got even weirder when he had to pay _before_ even sitting down. There was an actual _cash_ register. They would actually die of fucking food poisoning. That's what his headstone would say. _Too_ __idiotic _____to _______choose a _________proper ___________restaurant. _____________Died_______ ________of _________________explosive ___________________diarrhea____________________.__________ And if Pepper didn't put it on his tombstone, she'd give the information to TMZ. They'd happily write about it.

"I'll never let you choose a restaurant again." He grumbled and let Peter drag him to the actual buffet.

"You need to try this. You need to take Mac and Cheese and put some Chilli Con Carne and bacon on top. It's _so _good."

The food was bland at best, but Peter's little creation was edible, at least. He wouldn't go _hungry. _

Peter would definitely not go hungry, either. The kid got up to get up more food seven more times. Fucking seven times. Was he usually _always_ holding back?

He blinked when he saw someone take a picture of them. "Okay, Kid, it's time to go. Come on."

Thank fucking _god _they had payed in advance. They had spend two hours at that weird place and Tony was ready to get back to the house.

Peter stumbled after him and into the car.

Tony glanced at him on their drive back. The kid looked exhausted. It had been a long evening and it _was _after his bed time.

"Come on, Pete, we're home. It's time for bed."

Peter looked up at him with bleary eyes and Tony carried the bags after him, dropping them onto the floor. "Go on, go get ready."

He turned to leave when Peter's voice stopped him. "Will you come back to say goodnight?"

Tony startled, his heart warming against his will. He doubted Peter would have asked if he'd been fully awake. He sounded so incredibly young and vulnerable. Fucking hell.

"Sure. Go shower, brush your teeth. I'll wait right here."

He did wait for him, putting the books into the shelf while doing so. Fuck, that would take some time until this room looked really lived in.

Why the fuck did he care about that? It shouldn't fucking matter. Why didn't he just let the kid sleep in a guestroom and leave it at that. Why did he want the kid to _feel ___at home?__

It made no fucking sense whatsoever.

Peter stumbled back in, still half asleep soon after. Tony pulled his sheets back, letting the kid climb in.

"Nightnight Mr. Stark." The kids eyes were closed, face relaxed.

"Night, Petey." He reached out and pushed a wet lock out of his face before leaving. He shouldn't let himself get attached, this was _temporary._ He _really _needed to finish setting up Fri and he needed to do it tonight. Now.

He worked on that for a few hours before finally, finally getting some sleep. In his bed. Fanfuckingtastic.

Their sunday was cozier than their saturday. They spent all day on the couch in their matching pajamas, eating grapes, gummy bears and popcorn while watching Harry Potter.

"I'm just _saying, _If Black had gotten a fucking trial, Harry would have ended up with a father figure who loved him."

"But it isn't always that easy, Mr. Stark. Not all kids end up living with people who love them."

Tony huffed. He _knew _that. But that shouldn't be the case. "It's fucking idiotic."

"Babe? I'm back."

Tony startled, head turning towards the direction of Pepper's voice.

"Oh. Hi, Peter."

Peter's eyes were wide and he was staring at her, looking more than uncomfortable.

"Miss Potts. It's nice to meet you."

"You too." She smiled pleasantly. "Have you guys eaten? I'm _starving _and I really could go for some Chinese."

He didn't know why he didn't exactly want Pepper there. It was weird. It was like he didn't want to mix those two worlds, didn't want them to get attached when he would be ripping them apart, soon, anyways. It was going to be hard enough anyways.

"I actually need to really get home." Peter said. "May is going to be home any second now, and I _promised_ we'd have dinner together."

"I'm going to drive you." Tony was getting up, completely ignoring Peter's idiotic _I can take a Bus, really, Mr. Stark_ and shooing him upstairs to grab his things.

"Sorry, Tony. I didn't realize he was still here." She really did look apologetic. He just kissed her, brushing her hair behind her ear.

"Why don't you order the food? I'll be back in an hour or so."

When Tony was setting up the last of his lab later after Pepper had fallen asleep and he had sneaked out of bed, he realized suddenly that his mind had been quiet almost all weekend.

There was no guilt there today, not even in the back of his mind. No selfloathing, no panic, no hate.

Being around Pepper and then being around Peter had done something to him. He wasn't feeling empty or lonely, he was actually feeling pretty full at the moment.

He would always feel broken, he guessed, but that was okay.

He could deal with that. He really, really could. Now he just needed that feeling to _stay _when he was alone. He knew it wasn't that easy, but just for now he let himself believe that it was. Fuck, his feet had been in the water on saturday. That _had _to be a huge step in the right direction.

Maybe soon, he wouldn't need Peter Parker anymore.

He and Pepper were doing better. Soon, she'd be enough to keep his mind quiet.

Maybe soon, he could send the kid on his merry way and -

Who was he kidding? It had only been a few weeks of seeing him regularily and he was already in _deep. _

He had bought him a whole fucking room. He was watching wizarding movies and snacking on gummy bears.

It wasn't just that he _needed _Peter around any longer.

He _wanted _him around, too.

Fuck.


	9. I'm so used to letting go, but I don't wanna be alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from Jeremy Zucker- you were good to me

"Thanks for coming over." He waved May Parker into his home, letting her walk in. He saw her eyes linger on one of Peter's sweaters that was draped over one of the chairs and he ushered her towards the table.

"Thanks for having me." Her smile was pleasant and he realized, not for the first time, how pretty she was. If he didn't have Pepper, he'd definitely have made a move on her, Peter's feelings about it be damned. He _had _considered it back when they first met, when he'd been single. But his mind had been set on the accords. Probably for the best, a hook up with May Parker would have been more than complicated. "So, how's everything?"

How was everything? Tony didn't know what she wanted to hear, really. Because if he did, he'd have fucking said it. But being honest would get him furthest, wouldn't it? "I think everything is going well."

She nodded, accepting the cup of coffee he was pushing over. "Yeah, he likes coming here a lot. He's been very happy, lately."

There was an underlining message there, something Tony decided not to dwell on for too long. He didn't _need_ to know about Peter's emotions at home, did he? He shouldn't care. It wasn't his _job _to care. Fuck that shit, he wasn't the kid's dad.

"And he's been home in time for curfew every single day. I don't think he sneaked out again, either."

"He hasn't." He confirmed it without a second thought. If he had, Tony would have known and he would have made sure that he'd been back home within minutes. "His internship on tuesdays has been going great and our time on the weekends has been .. fun."

"Now if you don't look as though the word _fun _was beaten out of you, I'd feel better."

He grinned. He _really _wanted her as a friend, now. Platonic. He wondered briefly what Pepper would have to say about that. He _loved _when she got jealous. It was hot as fuck and turned him on to no end. He really was a piece of shit, wasn't he? Fuck.

"May, I wanted to talk to you about something-"

"If it's the trip to Hawaii I just want to say that you're out of your mind, but go ahead. Make sure to send me a postcard."

He snorted. He really liked her, she was so much like Peter. For a second he found himself wishing again that they were friends. He could really need a friend like her, lately, because all of his seemed to disappear. His own fault, but still.

"Well, good, thanks- but it's more about the financial situation at hand."

She eyed him warily, eyes calculating and brows raised. "I'm not paying for him to fly to Hawaii just so you guys can have _dinner."_

"You thought I'd make you-? You know what, never mind. No, I meant more that I want to help out with things for Peter."

Now it was May's turn to snort. "We don't need help. We're doing just fine."

"You _know_ that I know that you're not. Even if I wasn't Tony Stark and wouldn't have access to your financial information, I'd still be able to calculate how supporting two people in New York as a nurse is hard at best."

"What the- Fine. I don't _want _your help, then. Better?"

"May. Just _think _about it, I know that you __can__ do it, it's just that you don't _have_ to. It's only for Peter's benefit, nothing crazy."

_"Tony."_

"I'll cover Peter's tuition."

"Peter has an academic scholarship-"

"-that covers half of his tuition fees. I checked. I'll help out with things for Peter, and that's just how it's going to be. You know I'll just buy him things anyways, but I'd rather do it with your support. I have more money that I know what to do with anyways."

"You _really_ care about him." Her eyes were big in wonder, lips opening and closing slightly. Tony chose to ignore her altogether, that was a revelation he still wasn't even comfortable _thinking _about it. "Which is great because I added you to the list of emergency contacts at school."

He just nodded. He wondered If that was as big a deal as it _felt. _Because she said it like it didn't fucking matter. Was she out of her goddamn mind? She was _worse _than Peter.

"Okay. Sounds.. cool."

May threw her head back and laughed. "__God,__ you sound like you're being tortured. Suck it up, will you?"

He rolled his eyes, picking at the hem of the cloth napkin before him.

"Everything else is fine on my end, otherwise. He's a good kid, listening to what I say and all that jazz. We need to start doing some training but I'm not ready to go to the compound, so that'll have to wait a little bit longer."

"What do you mean you're not ready?"

Oh. Fuck. May had the same way of carrying herself as Peter, same trusting look in her eyes. It was _easy _to not pay attention to what he was saying when she was around. And he _needed _a friend. Maybe, maybe, just maybe talking to her wasn't a bad idea? He could allow himself a fucking break from keeping it all in, couldn't he?

"Oh. I just meant the training fascilities are being renovated and aren't done yet. No big deal, but we'll have to wait just a little bit. But how are you doing?"

May stared at him for a long moment before apparently deciding to let it go. "Fine, really. Working a lot, but I have steady shifts now. A friend from College has offered me a job, but I've been ignoring him so far, so we'll see."

"Are you dating him?"

May laughed and shook her head with a roll of her eyes. "He's married- to a _man." _

"So? People can play both fields. I did in my twenties."

Their conversation was easy and relaxed him. They had a common goal; make Peter happy and keep him safe. It was fucked up, wasn't it? Neither of them was related to him by blood, yet they both ... cared for him.

"_Stop." _She laughed again. "And show me his _room_ before I get going. You're actually insane, you know that?"

Boy, did he know that. Of fucking course he did. How could he not be after hearing his mothers neck break, broken by the man who Steve chose over him. He shouldn't think like that, shouldn't - fucking hell.

"It's cute." May smiled, turning around to walk to the window overlooking the yard. "I thought he lied about the Ikea part."

"Does he know _how_ to lie?"

"You'd be surprised. You'll get to have the pleasure, I'm sure."

He doubted it, actually. That kid was too wholesome, he never cursed, he never lied, he rarely broke any rules. He was a good kid. And what the fuck was Tony doing thinking about him like that?

He thought about it long after May had left an hour later with a joke about co-parenting. _Parenting__. _She had been relaxed about it, but it freaked him the fuck out. Why the fuck did she think he was parenting the kid? He was just buying him some stuff, spending some fucking time with him. He'd recently started to let himself imagine having kids one day, maybe, but this? He wasn't.. He just.. it wasn't that..ugh.

The only thing that stopped his rambling thoughts was the arrival of the energetic Peter himself.

"Hey Kid." Tony said it with joy in his voice and that joy wasn't even sarcastic or fake. It was completely real and all the earlier thoughts were completely forgotten. If they hadn't been, who knows what he would have made of his reaction. "Come on, I've got something down in the lab for you."

Peter bounced around him, chattering animatedly about his day. The blabbering had grown on Tony, and it had grown on him fast. He didn't want to think about how it would be when all of this stopped. Fuck, did it _have _to end at all?

"Is that _a ___StarkPhone____?" __Peter gasped, taking the box from him with big eyes. "What the frick? Are you serious?"

"Did you seriously just use the impression what the frick?" Tony didn't know whether to laugh or be relieved. While he cursed as much as he breathed, he didn't know what he'd do if Peter did the same. Die of a heart attack, maybe. Have a fucking stroke.

"You wouldn't allow me to curse. Plus, it feels wrong even if I do it in my head." Peter murmured without looking at Tony. He held the box far from him, staring and turning the box. "Mr. _Stark. _Those cost like two thousand dollars."

"Huh. Do they? I kind of get them for free, you know? I gave one to May, too. No biggie."

"When did _you_ see May?"

That's what that little shit got from that? Fucking hell. He would be a horrible cop, wouldn't he?

"This morning. We _talk, _you know? She keeps me updated and I her. Normally we just text, but I wanted her to see the house."

Peter scrunched up his face before his face brightened again and he smiled that fucking innocent smile of his. "That sounds like you're a divorced couple trying to figure out how to co-parent."

There it was again. _Parent. _

Tony was not a parent. He wasn't born to be one and almost every person who'd ever met him would agree. Probably even Pepper. And dreaming of having kids and having one was a huge fucking difference, wasn't it? Okay, ouch, that thought hurt- but it didn't make it any less true. He. Wasn't. A. Fucking. Parent.

But fucking hell, that didn't mean that a tiny (Very tiny. Tinyer than tiny) didn't _want _it to be true. He wanted to be Peter's parent. Didn't he? Just maybe? A little bit?

Fucking hell. He swallowed down the panic. He _wouldn't _screw up Peter. He wouldn't ever be a parent to the kid, screw him up like Howard fucked Tony up. Unfixable.

"I actually think we should get to work, kid. We've been lazy lately, so we'll be looking at Karen's code today - I still think it was absolutely fucking ridiculous to name your AI after a computer in a cartoon, by the way- but whatever floats your boat."

Peter sighed and looked at him like _he_ was the adult losing his patience and _Tony _was the kid with annoying questions. The sheer audacity. "Mr Stark, Plankton's AI Karen was the first Al I ever heard about. She's _iconic__. _And so is my Karen."

"Well, and I created Karen, ergo _I'm _iconic. Don't you forget that."

Peter fake gasped, hand clenched on his heart in a mock gesture. "I could _never." _

"Show me the respect I deserve or I'll send you to your room." There was no heat behind it, it's not like he _meant _it. He smirked, reaching out to ruffle Peter's hair before catching himself and dropping his hand by his side.

Peter didn't notice though, he just giggled and beamed up at him.

"Oh, I just remembered. I set the Phone up. Uber _and _Postmates is set up for you and linked to my account. So no excuse for you to walk to dodgy places or not eat when you're hungry, you hear me? You have them so _fucking_ use them. You and May are on my Spotify Family plan, so go nuts."

_Family. _In a twisted way, that's what May and Peter were, now. Weren't they? Pepper and May would be having dinner together on friday. If that went well, who knew what would come next.

Fuck, he was confused. He didn't know what he wanted and _how h_e wanted it. One second he _wanted_ to be Peter's dad and May's friend more than anything, the next he wanted them out of his life for good.

Was that normal? Probably not. It's not like he was ever fucking normal. Bitter, yes. Normal? Not so much.

"Okay, I will. Pinky promise. Did you know Rihanna has _shhh_ tattooed on her finger? It's pretty lit. Zac Efron had a yolo tattoo, but he got it lasered."

"_What?" _He had no idea __whatsoever__ what the kid was talking about. None.

"Yeah, I know, right? Yolo is so, like, 2012. But oh well."

What the hell was a yolo? Did he even want to ask? Probably not. But he did anyway.

"Is that like a Yo-Yo?"

Peter stared at him with a smirk. "Yolo. You only live once. Don't worry, springing that trend over was probably for the best."

"Why? Sounds like that should be my new motto, doesn't it? Yooooolo."

"I'm embarassed on your behalf."

"Hi embarassed, I'm Tony."

Peter laughed so hard that he was wheezing, sitting on the lab floor with his hands in his side, and the sight was so fucking endearing that Tony found himself laughing too. Not on the fucking floor, he wasn't a fucking peasant, but laughing nontheless.

"That was the worst dad joke in the history of dad jokes."

Tony's insides clenched. Was it so wrong to admit to himself that he lo- liked the kid a great deal?

Yes it was. It wasn't his fucking _place._

They worked in a comfortable silence for all of ten minutes before Peter started talking about some kind named Lighting. Or was it Thunder? Flash? Something like that. He sounded like a Grade A asshole and Tony wondered if that's how it sounded like when People talked about him.

What a fucking nice thought. Yippy.

He turned his attention back in Peter. "Are you still up for Dinner in Honolulu? We'll go right after school, be there in time for dinner and then either fly back or spend the night and fly back after breakfast."

"Wait, we're really doing that? Really, really? _Woah._"

He rolled his eyes, deciding that it didn't deserve a reply of him. Of course really. All the really's, really. Wow, all the really's (reallies?) started to really confuse him. Fucking hell.

"May said she'd be having dinner with Miss Potts while we're away. Do you think they'll be friends? Would that be weird for you? Or awesome? Was it your idea? Does it make you nervous? Wait, was it Miss Potts' idea because she thinks you and May are having an affair because you call her Aunt Hottie? Oh god, _are _you having an affair? That would be _really _weird. Oh please don't."

Tony just stared at the kid before shaking his head. "You're crazy. Out of your mind."

Peter giggled before turning serious again. "But seriously, what did you tell Miss Potts about me? Does she hate _me?" _

"Pretty sure that no person could hate you. You're like a cinnabon bun, everyone loves you."

"Did you just make a pop culture reference? I'm equally shocked _and_ proud."

He had no Idea idea how referencing a cinnabon bun would count as a popculture reference, he most certainly wasn't some teenager who _would _do that. This was the vines with a v all fucking over again.

Teenagers were annoying.

Peter turned serious once more. "But seriously. What did you tell her about me? Is she okay with it?"

"I told her the truth- that you're my personal intern. And of fucking course she's _okay _with it. She's the CEO of my company."

Peter's face fell for a second before he smiled and nodded. "Yeah, you're right. Of course."

After Happy came to take Peter back to Queens, Tony found himself staring at a bottle of scotch for a long time. This was craziness. He should just _drink. _It was his fucking right. And he'd be able to just _calm ___down. __

He stared and stared and stared and was still staring when Pepper got home.

He heard her sigh. "Tony. Please, don't. Let's just go to bed, hm? I'll let you do that thing you suggested last week."

He perked up, looking at her before nodding slowly. He didn't need alochol, did he?

Ofcourse he didn't.

Didn't mean he didn't fucking want it, anyway. God he _wanted _a drink.

He stared at the bottle again but the sounds of Pepper stepping out of her black pencil skirt pulled him out of his struggles.

Maybe he'd have a drink tomorrow.

Wednesday and thursday were annoying at best and when friday finally came around, Tony found himself waiting for Peter to arrive. He was sitting in one of his jets and played around with the in flight Entertainment System when the boy finally entered.

"You're _late." _

"Sorry, Mr. Stark. My last lesson ran late and then MJ asked me for my notes and one doesn't just say no to MJ and yeah." He trailed off, eyes wandering over the plane. "I still can't believe we're going to hawaii just to have _dinner." _

Tony ignored him completely. "Where are your things?"

"Oh. I forgot my bag in Happy's car." The kid looked sheepish.

"First of all, Happy is just driving it, it's still _mine. _Second of all, that was idiotic. But we'll just buy you some things at one of the boutiques in the hotel."

"You don't need to do that."

"Uh, yes I do. Or did you plan on not brushing your teeth and putting on the same clothes tomorrow? I think the fuck not."

Tony had never travelled with a child before and was surprised to find it to be the funnest trip he'd had in a while. Of course all of his trips in the last few years had either been missions or fucking business trips and whenever he'd planned a trip with Pepper they had to cancel it because something came up- either a mission or business, so it had always been a bust.

The twentyfour hours he spent on Oahu with Peter were the most carefree hours he'd had in years. He turned off his Phone and put all of his attention on Peter.

"That was disgusting." Peter said while wiping his tongue with his napkin violently. "Why wouldn't you tell me that Poke is raw fish? I thought it would be pork. You know, poke, pork. I want to die. Kill myself. Cut my tongue out."

That was about the dumbest logic Tony had ever heard. "The _dramatics. _Have you ever had sushi? The _best." _

"Like I said before, I won't take the opinion of a man who's eaten _guineapig _on a stick seriously."

"The _disrespect."_ Tony huffed, but he smiled. He was _happy. _Really, truly happy. He knew that it would be over in a few hours, but he'd enjoy it as long as it lasted.

"Disrespect your surroundings."

"Don't. I don't want to hear any more Vine references out of you, _especially_ not if you're quoting unfunny ones."

"Come on, Mr Stark, do it for the Vine."

"That's it, you're grounded."

"You can't ground me." Peter giggled and took a bite of his shaved ice as they walked down the beach.

"Uh, try me."

Peter turned around and squinted against the light of a lantern, eyes searching his face. He probably realized the same thing Tony knew; he could definitely ground the Kid. Maybe he'd just ground him for the weekend or he'd get May to agree, but he definitely had the power. Good. He fucking loved having power.

"_Fine. _But you wouldn't punish me for quoting vines." Peter plopped down on the sand and stared towards the moon, Tony dropped down next to him, smiling brightly. God that kid.

"True. I wouldn't."

Peter smiled up at him before dropping his head on Tony's shoulder. Tony went completely rigid, holding his breath.

He was so uncomfortable, he didn't move.

What was he supposed to do with someone that close in his personal space?

He rarely shared any physical affection with the boy, or any people, really. But that didn't mean that he didn't want it. He just didn't let himself have it. It had been like that all his childhood, when he got older, it got worse. All his physical affection had come from sex, when he'd finally gotten together with Pepper, there had been _a ___lot __of cuddling.

He'd been touch starved, as one of his therapists had called it. He still was probably. But he wouldn't let himself have that, he wouldn't let himself get attached. It was _stupid. _He didn't have good things and he didn't deserve them either.

"I had a really good time at dinner. Thanks, Mr. Stark. It really means a lot. I don't usually get to go to those kinds of places, you know. It's really, really special to me. Especially because it's with _you." _

Tony smiled and his arm moved around the kid's shoulder before he could stop it.  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the kudos and your comments- that means the woooorld. I ALWAYS wanna know what you're thinking, pretty please and thank you. ❤️🌜


	10. when it leaves a hole inside my chest I'm not sure how I'll cover up the wound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title taking from Alec benjamin - the saddest song

The next couple of weeks continued a lot like the past two weekends.

He worked, he tinkered, he stayed awake, he worked some more, he spent time with Pepper (mostly in bed. Or in the shower, for that matter), he spent time with Peter and fell asleep with the kid on the couch, they ordered in, they made food, they did his homework, he talked to May to make sure the kid was safe and happy. It became a routine.

Just like another week, another pain in the ass meeting about the damn accords and Tony was _fed_ __up. __

"You know what, you piece of shit, I _know _you helped them escape the raft. Just because I can't _prove_ it doesn't make it less real."

"Okay, love, now we're getting somewhere." Tony smirked, putting his feet up on the table. He _hated _that man, which meant that he _loved _riling him up. Ross calling him a piece of shit meant he was succeeding. "Listen up, Grinch, the only reason I am here is because you basically harassed my assistant, my driver _and _my fiancée. I'm here to humor you one last time, and then I'm out."

"You will be here and you will work something out. Don't you want to make the world a better and _safer_ place for your son?"

"For my..what?"

No. No, this wasn't happening. He had done _everything _to keep Spider-man off the man's radar. _Everything__. _He had never in a million years thought Ross would be interested in _Peter ___Parker. __

It was rumors. It was the only explanation that made sense- it had been a possibility that had been talked about after pictures of his look-a-like in sweet potatoes (or whatever that shithole place was called) had appeared. People had discussed and dismissed it, agreeing that Tony fucking Stark would never set a foot in that place with a _kid. _The pictures had been too blurry to let either one of them be recognizable.

But..no person in their right mind would believe that he'd just taken a liking to that intern of his- and they would have been right. He wouldn't have paid him any attention if it wasn't for Spider-man.

But Ross didn't know about Peter. He _didn't. _He was playing the rumor mill.

"Peter is his name, isn't it? Cute kid. Has your eyes. Listen, Stark, you're the only one that can make those people _listen_."

He just stared at him before he left that goddamn fucking meeting. He wouldn't let Peter get caught up in this bullshit.

He made it all the way to the bathroom before he threw up, hugging the toilet for dear life.

When he finally got home he tried to push all of those thoughts from his mind, he didn't need this, not today, not ever. Why could things never go right for once in his fucking life? Just fucking once.

He had been _happy _lately. He had been _fine. _

He realized suddenly that just because his mind had started to become quiet as soon as either Pepper or Peter were around, it didn't mean he was dealing with his shit.

Because he wasn't. At all. He didn't think about it, he didn't talk about it, he didn't work on it.

Because he didn't fucking want to. And making him do something he didn't want? Not an easy job. Pepper succeeded sometimes. And recently, so did Peter.

But dealing with trauma, hurt and guilt? No, thank you. He'd have to see Steve for that. Or at least use that fucking phone to talk to him. He thought the hell not.

He'd have to talk to _someone. _Someone who understood. Someone who knew all those people, but wasn't a part of it. He needed to talk to Bruce. The realization pissed him off. It wasn't like he'd been able to contact him in ___months.___

But that's just how it was.

He made his way upstairs to put a package of newly delivered clothes into the kid's room before he arrived that afternoon. Tony hadn't actually been in the room in a couple of days since they had spent tuesday at SI so he almost stumbled back out again after entering.

The room looked like a bomb had exploded in there. Literally. A fucking bomb. He thought back to how the room had looked three weeks prior, almost empty and _clean. _

He had wanted Peter to make the room his own back then, had cringed at the sterileness of the space.

It hadn't taken long for magazines, clothes and legos to appear and apparently, Peter wasn't good at tidying up after himself. Had he been in a hurry when he'd left on sunday? Tony couldn't remember. He stepped on a bag of half eaten chips, the crunching sound making him frown wondering were all of that shit had come from.

All he knew was that if the kid had been already here right at that moment, he'd have hauled him upstairs and sent him to his room to clean up his shit.

When the _hell _had Tony become a motherhen, worrying about the state of a teenager's room? What the _fuck. _

He didn't know when it had happened but he was sure he didn't like it. At all.

He walked back out, slamming the door. The kid should count himself lucky he wasn't here yet because Tony was in a fucking mood and he wasn't completely sure if he _wouldn't_ have slapped the kid for the mess.

He _really_ needed a drink. But he didn't drink on Peter days, he never did, so coffee would have to do.

"Boss, Natasha Romanoff is waiting on the Patio."

No. Hell, no. Not today of all days.

God, he missed her. He fucking missed her so much it made his stomach churn to hear her name. But he wasn't ready to talk to her, wasn't ready to see her. Because fuck, he didn't want to say something he couldn't take back. Not _again._

"Tony."

He whirled around. Of course she had made her own way in, of fucking course. Her face showed no sign of emotion.

Suddenly tears were stinging at his eyes and he turned around, away from her.

"Agent Stark. Miss me?" She joked carefully, but making no move to come closer.

Tony almost choked. Fuck. For a second he was ready to forgive and forget, to just turn around and ask if she wanted coffee, but while Steve was the one all his anger was directed at, Natasha had left him, too.

"What do you want?"

"I needed to see if you were okay."

It was as close as he'd ever get to hearing an apology out of her, he _knew _that. And he wanted to accept it, but he couldn't.

"Splendid. Now fuck off. Last I heard, you should be on the run."

"I should, but I also needed to talk to you. Tony, I never meant for it to-"

Natasha moved, hesitating when the door burst open and Peter jumped in. "Hello, Mr.- oh my ______god______."

"No." Tony barked, every single muscle tensing up. He didn't want Peter anywhere _near_ her. "No time for fangirling. You move your ass to your room and clean that shit up before I make sure your _ass _won't be sitting comfortably at dinner."

"You would never do that." Peter grumbled, eyes never leaving Natasha. Good to know the kid had his fucking priorities straight.

"Keep standing there and find out."

It wasn't _fair _to snap at Peter like that. He _knew_ that. But he needed him to get the fuck out of the room, he needed Natasha to stay away from him before she found out _who he ___was. __He didn't need that kind of leverage in her hands. He didn't think that she would use it, if it came to it, but he'd been wrong about her before. Multiple times.

He didn't need her as a threat in fucking _addition _to Ross.

Peter stomped up the stairs like Tony knew he would. It wasn't like he'd ever made good on his threat but it was one that worked every single time. _Good. _IronMan should be fucking scary. What the hell was he even doing? 

"You have a kid?" Her eyes were wide, her lips slightly agape.

He didn't. He _wished_ Peter was his, sometimes but he was basically a stranger, just his intern, but she didn't need to know that. Natasha _really_ didn't need to know that. Fuck, she _mustn't_ know that. So he said the only thing that made sense.

"Yes. And you stay the _fuck _away from him."

"Does Steve know?"

"Are you out of your fucking mind, Romanoff?"

"He would want to know. You know that, Tony."

Fuck. Of course he did, but it made no fucking sense. It didn't change _shit._ Steve had made his choice, he'd chosen Barnes and he'd made damn sure Tony knew it.

"I know you don't trust me. Or him, for that matter. Any of us. But we're a family and -"

"Oh, come on, shut the fuck up. A family? I had a fucked up one when I was a kid, I don't need another one, I fucking don't. You made your choice and I had to accept it and now I need you to _leave."_

Natasha turned, slowly, making her way to the doors.

"Romanoff, wait." She looked back, and if she'd been one to show emotions to anyone, she would have looked hopeful. "Have you heard from Bruce?"

She shook her head slowly, something shifting in her eyes. Huh. Were they a thing? He'd always been pretty sure Clint was cheating on his wife with Natasha, but he'd never asked. He made his way over, shoving a bundle of bills into her hand.

"I don't need money."

"You can't use your credit cards. I'll feel better if I know you have some fucking cash on you."

He didn't wait for her reaction, didn't want to hear her or see her any longer. 

He _needed _a fucking drink. He could just send Peter to bed and throw back some pills.

He should actually take him home first.

He stared at his reflection in the mirror, willing himself to make another choice. But he couldn't. He couldn't have the kid around right now when everything came crushing down again. He could _feel _it coming back.

"Peter. Happy is going to take you home, now." His voice was cold, he could hear that too. Fuck this. He wasn't _supposed _to feel sorry for putting Peter first. For once in his life he was going to do the right fucking thing and set the kid free.

Peter was sitting on the floor, shoving the last bit of legos into a box. "What? Why? I cleaned up like you said."

"Because I need to take care of some things and it's better if you're not here."

"No, __please.__ I'll keep the room clean, I promise. You can punish me here, you don't need to send me _back-" _

"You are going home, and that's the end of this discussion."

"But isn't this my home, too?"

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Tony hadn't thought that a sentence like that, a fucking simple sentence could make his heart _hurt. _But he needed the kid to leave. Needed him to get out while he still could, needed him to be _happy _before Tony spiraled down again, because fuck it, this time he might pull him down with him.

_"Peter."_

"No. You can't just send me away when you have a bad day, it's not _fair." _

"Okay, you listen up now. This, here? It's not working. It's not working out at all. I can't do this anymore and I don't _want to, _either."

Peter looked up at him with those big eyes, shaking his head slightly. "No. No, you _can't_ just decide that for _me._ For us."

"I can, and I did. You're going back to Aunt May."

"No, _please. _I promise to keep the room clean and not mess with the suit and don't drink coke when you tell me not to. I _swear_ I'll _listen." _

Tony looked at him for a long moment, closing off his heart. It hurt, but he'd survived worse. He needed Peter to be safe. Safe from Ross and Natasha and all the threats that came along with him being Iron Man.

Safe from the fucked up person that _he _was.

He ignored the tears in Peter's eyes. Ignored the hurt there and the fact that he thought he was being punished.

He would miss him. He'd miss him so much the thought alone almost made him take it all back.

But for once, he _couldn't. _

"Happy just texted. He's here, so get going."

Peter looked at him like he'd never been betrayed like this before. Well, good. He wouldn't forgive Tony for this, probably wouldn't miss him.

It was for the best.

Tony looked at him one last time before walking down to the lab, telling Friday to not let anyone enter.

He wanted to cry.

Instead he took the bottle of scotch and took a big swig. And another one. And another one, trying to put his broken heart back together.  
  
  



	11.  you brought out the best of me, a part of me I'd never seen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title taken from All I Want by Kodaline (aka one of the most beautiful & heartbreaking songs I've ever heard)

Tony was angry.

He was angry in a way he hadn't been in a very long time- and that was fucking saying fucking something. He didn't even know where to put all the fuckings he wanted to put into his sentences.

Angry and frustrated and just so fucking _angry. _At himself, at the fucking world, at the Avengers, at Peter, at May- had he mentioned himfuckingself?

He had half expected May to beat down his door, call him screaming and kicking that he honor their agreement, that she wouldn't let him treat her nephew like that.

She hadn't.

Everything _hurt. _

His head, his chest, his stomach, his eyes.

Part of that was from the fucking hangover he was experiencing at the moment. With Pepper in California he'd gotten drunk most nights this past week. Fanfuckingtastic.

Another part was that it was his fourteenth day without seeing Peter Parker.

Who would have bloody thought?

He hated it. He hated every second of it.

When Pepper broke up with him the year before, he had never been as devasted.

He had thought that losing Steve and Natasha had been bad. That not seeing Clint anymore was cutting in a way he hadn't expected.

And then he'd kicked out Peter Parker and he experienced a heartache he didn't even know existed. Was that how parents grieved for the loss of their children?

It couldn't be, because Peter wasn't his fucking kid.

God, he _missed ___him. __

Was that even normal? To miss a kid he'd only been _mentoring _for just a little over half a year? It. could. Not. Be.

So why was he feeling like this?

He threw the bottle of empty scotch across the living room, watching it hit the wall with a weird sense of satisfaction. He hadn't yet had a drink today, so maybe this was the day to stay sober. He'd done it before. He'd been _better. _

He looked down when his phone vibrated.

_Aunt Hottie: Hey Tony, Peter said he already checked with you on tuesday, so I just wanted to thank you a thousand times for taking him for a week- I'll be back next sunday. Really, THANK YOU. Attending that conference and the Retreat could really get me that promotion. See you next week, text me for ANYTHING. I owe you one. _

What the actual hell? He hadn't even _seen _Peter on tuesday, let alone agreed to anything.

The kid hadn't told his aunt about the end of their agreement- but if he didn't tell her, where had he spent the time he supposedly spent with Tony? That was two fucking weekends of not being at Tony's but telling May he was.

He might actually kill him. Lock him inside his room. Take away the suit.

Or- No, he wouldn't. He wouldn't because he had no fucking business taking care of Peter Parker.

He'd made that decision and he had to stick with it.

He'd tell her that that little shit lied, that he'd ended their agreement a week prior, that there was no way in hell that he'd take care of the kid for nine days. _Nine__. _He couldn't even take care of _himself _for nine days, let alone one. So- no thank you.

_Tony Stark: of course, may. anything to help you! _

Except- he couldn't. He couldn't say no when she was offering everything he wanted on a silver platter.

He wanted Peter home.

His selfless streak had lasted all of a week. This was going to be fucking bad. What the hell had he been thinking? He should hack her phone, delete the message before she read it..

_May Parker: You're my favorite Co-Parent ever! Thank you!!!!!! Remember his classes end at two today. _

Well.

Or not.

Also- what was it with the Parkers and using the word _parent? _

When would they stop?

Did he even _want_ them to?

He knew the answer to that question but he wasn't ready to give it. Not even to himself. He glanced at his watch, realizing that Peter would be out of classes in an hour.

He would just drive to midtown and pick him up. The kid had everything he could need for the next week here. There were enough clothes and books to last him much longer than that.

When Tony stopped in front of the school a few minutes to two he let himself be scared for just a second.

He'd kicked the kid out, basically told him that he didn't care about him, that his room at Tony's place was just that- a room, not a home. Any teenager would hate him, not forgive him.

Peter wanted to be pissed? _Fine__. _Tony was plenty fucking pissed, himself. Peter had lied to May. Not just about homework, either, but about something else entirely. Something that could have been _dangerous. _Where would Peter have fucking stayed? Home alone, by himself? Fucking _great. _Splendid idea, really.

He got out of the car to linger by the passenger door because the air in the car suddenly felt too stuffy, too hot, too everything once again. Maybe he could just shove Peter in before he could bolt.

The kid would know he was in trouble the second he saw Tony waiting for him with crossed arms. Tony's mom had waited for him like this once when he was nine or ten. Hadn't ended with a kiss on the cheek, that was for sure. Ah, good times.

The doors to the school opened and a few kids walked out. He patted himself on the back for driving a black Lamborghini. _Much _better choice than the orange one.

And suddenly he saw Peter and his eyes couldn't focus on anything else any longer. Peter looked like absolute shit. There were big bags under his eyes, he __really__ needed to wash his hair, his cheeks looked a little hallow and he looked exhausted in a way that had to do nothing with sleeping too little.

Tony just stared for a couple of seconds. It was easy to pinpoint the exact moment Peter saw him because he just stopped dead in his step. Tony had actually no idea if anyone else had recognized him, If they were staring or filming or whatfuckingever because all he could see was Peter.

And suddenly Peter was moving towards him, eyes wide and jaw set.

"What are you doing here?" His voice was cold in a way Tony _never _wanted to come out of him ever again. At least not directed towards him. Maybe towards Steve- that would actually be fucking amazing.

"Picking you up." His stare and his voice levelled Peter's. "I told you before that your Aunt and I talk. There was _no way _you'd get away with this bullshit. Where the fuck were you on the last two weekends? The past two tuesdays?"

Tony was hissing quietly, speaking low enough that _noone _but Peter could hear, even if there were people close by watching or trying to listen in.

"What the hell were you thinking? That you'd just stay home alone in fucking New York City for over a week and we wouldn't notice? Do you realize how _dangerous _that is? _ANYTHING _could have happened. I swear to god, I should just ground you for the whole week for being an absolute _idiot. _I swear, Peter, if you _ever _decide to play May and I against each other just so you can have fun I _will _put you over my knee where I find you. I don't _care _if it's frowned upon for parents to- _uff." _

He went completely stiff for a millisecond when Peter threw his arms around his neck, he didn't like people entering his personal space without being invited in. He was completely uncomfortable- and then he suddenly wasn't.

His arms travelled around Peter's back without his permission and he held the kid as close as he could, breathing in his scent. Everything in him relaxed, his heart beat slowing down.

He found Peter's neck and he put his hand on the back of his head, pushing his forehead deeper into his collarbone, not caring about anyone possibly watching.

"Fuck, Peter."

"I missed you, too." He felt a wet giggle against his neck when Peter pulled away. Tony almost pulled him back in, but he didn't. He let his eyes travel and saw that there were, indeed, people watching. Many people.

Pepper would kill him.

He ushered Peter into the car and drove off faster than strictly necessary. "I guess you just officially became my son."

"What do you mean?"

"That's the only explanation people are going to accept for that PDA we just displayed in front of a million people."

At least that was the only explanation _Tony _was going to accept. He knew that noone would buy the intern act after this, and he definitely wasn't going to fucking let people think of Peter as his boytoy or sugarbaby or some weird, sick shit.

"Well, could be worse than people thinking I was your son, right?"

He wanted to scold the boy for obviously not seeing what kind of downfall that could bring with it, but when he looked at Peter all he could see was _hope. _

"Yeah. It could be a lot worse."

"Did you tell May? Or am I going to be staying with you?"

"I'm not a _snitch-__" _

"Snitches end up with stitches." Peter interrupted him excitedly.

"-shut up, I'm talking- but the next time I'm definitely telling her. This time, though, you're staying with me. Don't look so happy, I'm still not entirely sure I won't ground you."

Peter smiled brightly, a soft giggle warming Tony's frozen heart. "Just let me know when you decide."

"The _cheek._" Tony said dramatically. "If I would have talked to my elders that way.."

"You _absolutely_ did! I saw the documentary on you that Netflix did last year and they had _clips_of you as a teen."

Tony huffed. He _knew _he shouldn't have consented to that documentary, but it had been hilarious. Pepper had left him a few weeks before and he had wanted her to see it. The Interviews had been fun and he had missed Pepper a lot, so he'd slept with the interviewer- ah, yeah, he'd forgotten about that part. Oopsie Daisy.

"Touché. But you're better than me, so that whatever fucking thing I did will never count as an excuse for you, yeah? Just so we're on the same page."

Peter laughed. "Yeah, sure. But now that you're not being a jerk I really want to tell you about that project beta radiation project you helped me with."

Two years ago, Tony would have laughed if someone had told him that he'd happily listen to a kid drone on about a school project (and everything his teacher, their cousin and their cousin's cousin had to say about it) for thirty five minutes.

But he _did _listen to it. And there was nowhere he'd have rather been in that moment.

He was fucking done with pretending that Peter Parker just kept his mind quiet. It was more that that. Peter Parker made him _happy, _too.

He might not be anywhere close to telling Peter that, maybe not ever, but admitting that to himself was a big fucking step in itself.

"Have I ever mentioned that ___Weehawken___ is a really weird name? Admit it, that's why you chose this city. By the way, what are we doing today? Can we work on my webshooters? I have a really cool Idea for the formula." Peter blabbered, rushing into the house, looking around as if scared that Tony had changed something in the two weeks he hadn't been there.

"I have a conference call. You're moving your ass to the desk in your room to finish your homework. When you're done with that, you're going to write _I must not tell lies _until I come to get you for dinner."

There. That counted as a pop culture reference, didn't it? Tony was actually pretty fucking proud of that one.

"Aw, dude, _really? _But I _missed _you and I want to spend time with you." Peter whined and looked up at Tony with those fucking puppy dog eyes.

Tony laughed and pushed Peter into the direction of the stairs, swatting him with the newspaper as he did so. "Go. I'll be done by six and then we can order chinese and watch the last Harry Potter movie."

Peter giggled and jumped out of Tony's way and up the stairs, taking two at a time. "_Fine._ But I will sulk every second until six."

"Oh no." Tony called after him. "How will I ever survive with that knowledge?"

"It's good to be back." Peter yelled from his room.

Something in Tony settled and that feeling was probably what got him through that drag of a fucking conference call. How people _enjoyed _this was really a miracle to him.

"I don't _care_ about a decrease of two percent after a fucking month. If the numbers haven't increased by the end of the __next__ quarter, you can panic." He barked and almost felt bad when he saw the man cringe.

When had fucking hologram calls become a thing? He felt better yelling at people when he didn't have to stare at a sweating fresh-out-of-college kid flinching back from him, especially with fifteen people there to witness it.

There was a timid knock on the door and he tured around to find Peter poking his head in. "I'm sorry, but it's eight and I'm _starving _and you said you'd be done hours ago."

"I'm sorry. I hadn't realized that apparently everyone that SI employs are fucking idiots. Go order the food and I promise I'll be there in five."

He turned back around only to be met with the stare of ten men and six women. "What? Most of you are Idiots. I'm not taking that back."

"You have a _kid?_ How come I didn't know that?"

"Because it's none of your fucking business." He rolled his eyes. "And now go home to your families, enjoy Thanksgiving next week."

He logged out before he realized that it was, in fact, Thanksgiving next week. How the hell had he not realized that? He wasn't one for holidays, but Peter probably was. Fuck. He'd have to make it _special. _

Peter was already waiting on the couch, blanket tugged around him.

"Hey, Pete? Do you have school next week?" Tony dropped down next to him, putting his feet on the table. Pepper would have had a fit - but really, he wasn't wearing shoes.

"Uh, just monday and tuesday."

"What do you usually do for Thanksgiving?"

Peter turned his full attention on Tony, brows furrowed in thought.

"We usually order Chinese food and watched movies. Either May or Ben always had to work, sometimes both, so it wasn't that big of a deal."

"I never had a real Thanksgiving dinner before, either. Maybe we should have one this year. We could make dessert ourselves. We should cater the rest though."

"Oh, could we?"

"I just suggested it, you little- yes, we fucking could."

"Cool. That's lit. And then friday Ned and I want to go blackfriday shopping."

"First of all- the day after celebrating how thankful you are for all that you have is hypocritical at best. Second of all- do you want to change that statement?"

Peter rolled his eyes, but looked slightly confused. "Uh, Ned and I are going Blackfriday shopping the day after saying how thankful we are. Is that better?"

"No, you little brat. You don't get to _tell _me you're going someplace. You're going to _ask_ for permission."

"Oh, Come _on___,__ Mr Stark. I thought you were cool. Pleaaaaaaase don't be like that."

"And you got that thought from me threatening you with groundings and spankings once a week?"

Peter reddened slightly and groaned. "Okay, yeah, you're right. You were always pretty uncool."

"The _disrespect." _Tony reached out to ruffle his hair with a smile.

"Boss, the food is ready to be collected at the door."

"Thanks, fri." He pushed his wallet into Peter's hand. "Be a good boy and collect the food, yeah? There's cash in there. And don't forget to tip."

Peter was back a few minutes later, a few pizza boxes in hand.

"I thought we were eating Chinese?"

"Changed my mind. The guy who delivered the pizza was _so _cool. Said Spiderman is his favorite superhero."

"So you gave him a nice tip, didn't you?"

"I think so, I just gave him all the bills."

Tony threw his head back and laughed. "So someone said they like Spider-man and you give a five hundred dollar tip? Jesus, kid. Let's hope that guy doesn't come back for more."

He couldn't stop laughing. Not even when Peter glared before dropping down next to Tony again. "Yeah, yeah, very funny."

He just reached out, pulling Peter closer and tickling him where he could reach. Peter was giggling and screeching happily and Tony wondered why he hadn't accepted that he loved the kid before. Why had he not been able to admit that?

Maybe it would all go to shit soon, but for now he just wanted to enjoy this. Be happy for fucking once.

"Stop, stop, please ___Mr ___Stark- ______Tony,______ _stop." _

Tony stopped at the sound of his first name, staring down at Peter. Now that he'd heard the kid call him _Tony_ he didn't want to ever hear anything else from him, ever again.

"What did you just call me?"

"Oh. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be disrespectful." Peter cringed and looked up to Tony from where he was positioned with his head and upper body over Tony's lap.

"No, _no. _That's not what I meant _at ___all.__ I _want _you to call me Tony. If I ever hear you call me Mr Stark again, I swear to god-"

"-you'll put me over your knee? Yeah, yeah. You've said that before. We both know that's empty threats."

"Probably. But one of those days I'll make good on it and then you'll learn to take me seriously." 

Peter giggled and Tony pushed a strand of hair out of the kid's face. He realized with a jolt that he'd do anything to make sure that Peter would always have something to laugh about. The kid would have it better than him. He'd make sure of it.

"Am I allowed to get up now? I'm _starving." _

He smiled and let Peter pull the Pizza closer. Tony smiled even brighter when Peter throws a pillow onto his lap and drops his head into it halfway into the movie, effectively snuggling closer into Tony.

Their saturday started late, with a big breakfast and a lot of coffee. How could he sleep eleven fucking hours and then still be tired? It was weird as hell.

"I want to show you something." Tony said suddenly, pulling Peter along and down into the lab. "Or rather, someone, I guess."

He unlocked one of the closet doors in the corner. "I'm sure you've heard of my bots before. I turned him off for a while and put them in here, but I think I'm ready to turn them on again. What do you say? Do you want to do the honors?"

"Dummy!" Peter bounced around excitedly.

"It's Dum-E, you Dummy. Is that how you felt about the vines with a v?"

"I'm going to say Dummy, and you can't stop me." Peter said with a smile and pulled the robot out of the closet.

They worked all day, rebooting him and checking the wiring, Tony explaining as they went along. He wished U and Butterfingers were still around, but they both had paid the price of his dangerous lifestyle. Fanfuckingtastic.

"Okay, you can restart him now." Tony said and checked the code one last time. He had missed this fucking idiot, too. But there had been a long while when he hadn't let himself have nice things, now he wanted them _back. _

He had decided, mainly because of Peter, that he didn't fucking care anymore. He'd be selfish, he'd be a coward and he would let himself try to be happy for a while.

Less empty, less lonely, less broken.

Suddenly the bot started whirling around, and Tony felt his heart warm. "Don't you look at me like that, Dummy. No accusations or I'll turn you off again, hear me?"

"See, you _are _saying_ Dummy._ I swear, I have superhearing, and there is no _way _you're saying Dum-E." Peter said while stepping closer to the bot. "Hey Dummy, I'm Pete. It's really nice to meet you. Don't listen to Mr. Stark- hey, what was __that__ for?" He turned around to glare, picking up the pen Tony had thrown at him and placed it back on the table.

Tony laughed and shrugged his shoulders. "You're supposed to call me _Tony._"

"So you're throwing _tools _at my head?"

Tony laughed harder, picking up a pencil to haul it at Peter, too. "I hardly think that a pen counts as a tool."

Peter huffed, picking up the pencil and placing it next to the pen on the workbench. "I'll remind you of that the next time you get onto my case for not cleaning up after myself. All I left laying around were _pencils_ and you lectured me foreeeever."

"I told you to put them away, that hardly counts as forever. Stop whining."

"Me? Whining? I'm not an avocado."

Tony stared at Peter before shaking his head and walking up the stairs. He had no Idea what that meant and he really didn't care to find out. That kid was out of his mind. He watched him sit at the kitchen counter with a bottle of coke. Tony reached over, pulling caffeine bomb from him and pushed a can of sprite towards him because a can of pure sugar seemed like a lesser evil in that moment.

"Hey, Pete? _Why_ didn't you tell May?"

Peter looked like he thought deep and hard, he started to open his mouth, closing it again and then looked up to Tony's face "Because that would have made it _real_, you know? And I thought that .. or you know, I __hoped__ you know, that you'd come around and would want me again."

The way that Peter said that made Tony's heart clench again. Peter hadn't said that he'd hoped Tony would want to _see _him again. He had said he had hoped that Tony would want _him_ again. Okay, that was it.

In that moment he _swore_ to himself that he wouldn't fight it. He'd just let it happen, once and for all. _Fuck _Howard, he'd be a better father to a kid that wasn't even biologically his than fucking Howard had ever been to his own flesh and blood. It didn't matter if he fucking failed or not, he'd fucking _try. _

"Yeah, well, we both know you are a lot smarter than me. Fri, order some Thai, would you? Just a repeat of our last order, please, darling."

On tuesday morning, Peter bounced down the steps. Tony hadn't been in the office as early as yesterday in _years, _that was for fucking sure.

His secretary had fucking told Pepper who had texted him how proud she was and that she'd reward him when she got back wednesday night.

Fucking hell. He went to work on time once and he'd get one hell of a Blowjob as a fucking reward. He should do that more often. 

"Eat your breakfast- no, grab some fruit too, not just waffles- I'll take you to school, and then I have to go to work. You can either have Happy pick you up right after school, or you go patrolling, or whatever, just let me know."

"Patrolling. Can I swing home? Or are you picking me up?"

_Home. _

"Happy is picking you up at 8.30 sharp. We'll have a late dinner together and do your homework before you go to bed."

"That's _early. _I don't have school tomorrow."

Peter's argument seemed half hearted, like he _meant _it but didn't want to fight Tony. Smart kid.

"True, but you're accompanying me to meetings because I have to work and you could learn something. No, wait, let me rephrase that- you __will__ learn something."

Peter giggled and Tony felt his heart warm. What the actual fuck was going on with him? There was a time when many people had thought he didn't even _have _a heart. And If they did, they all considered him to have a cold one.

He tried to hold on to that feeling, but it slipped away from him during that long ass motherfucking day he was having. So many meetings he had to sit in because Pepper was still in California, so many fucking meetings. He should hire new employees because most of his were fucking useless.

He ignored every single one of Ross' calls. He had threatened to kick Tony off the committee, and he was still contemplating whether he should just fucking call it a day and leave himself. But the accords affected him personally and they might affect Peter and he wasn't willing to just let Ross be the allmighty fucking master. He rather hoped he would find a fucking way to get _Ross o_ff the fucking committee.

So, by the time he got home he was irritated. Fucking annoyed. He jumped into the shower, washing the day off of him and went to the livingroom to wait for Peter.

It was weird. Normally he went to the lab, yet he was standing in the kitchen popping the lasagna in the oven that his Housekeeper had prepared.

When Peter came in a few minutes later he was limping and wincing in a way that made Tony's stomach churn. He was _hurt. _

"What happened?"

"_Nothing__. _Just miscalculated and stumbled a little."

"Jeans off." He barked, panic settling inside his chest, pulling Peter to a chair.

"_What__? _I'm only ten minutes late. You can't punish me for that!"

Tony flicked his ear. "What the fuck are you talking about? Noone is punishing you. You're out of your mind. I just want to see your right leg, see why you're limping."

Peter reddened before pushing his jeans down, hissing as the marterial scraped his leg. Tony hissed too.

"Jesus, you _Idiot._ Just because you have superhealing you can't leave a wound _open. _Think about fucking infections. I should punish you for sheer stupidity."

His words were harsh but his voice was soft. He'd learned how to clean and wrap wounds in the past years, watching Bruce work and being an Avenger with a brain got him those perks.

"That's too tight." Peter whined and his eyes filled with tears when he tugged Tony's fingers away from his thigh. Tony loosened the bandages and stood up, pressing a kiss to Peter's forehead as he did so.

"Do you need help getting into the shower? You smell."

While Peter's healing was fast, it wasn't fast enough to heal the wound by the next morning, so instead Tony stayed home with him, fixing up the suit. They ordered the food for their Thanksgiving meal the next day and Tony and Peter spend half an hour decorating the table because Peter was too excited to wait.

"So Happy is coming, right? And Miss Potts?"

Tony nodded in affirmation. "Yes, for the fiftieth time, Pete. Now, time for bed you little shit."

Peter scowled and Tony reached over and pulled him into a hug before gently shoving him in the direction of the stairs.

The next few days were a blur. A blur of food and laughter and happiness.

He knew that Peter felt it, too.

And Pepper did. She had told him as much, told him that she loved seeing him acting as a dad. He didn't even correct her, because _damn_, he didn't fucking want to.

She had said she'd never seen him as happy and carefree for such a long period of time.

He didn't think there had ever been one.

So between lab time, board games, movie nights and cooking together, sunday came around way too quick.

Pepper would be going back to work and Peter would be going back to Queens.

He couldn't even fucking remembered how their life had been like last week. It seemed like all that counted was _this _week. The past nine days of normality and happiness.

Sunday would surely become his new hate-day of the week, now. Fuck. He used to love sundays.

Tomorrow he'd have to read what the tabloids were saying. Peter had mentioned that kids at school were talking, but he hadn't really said more. Tony knew that the pictures had been leaked, Pepper had said as much, but he'd begged her to ignore it until after thanksgiving break- so, tomorrow.

May came over to pick up Peter on sunday night, and Tony invited her to sit down with a Cup of coffee while Pepper and Peter went to grab his things together. And probably to talk shit about him, who knew.

"How was it?"

"It was great, thanks Tony. And for this, I appreciate it. I know how much Peter adores you and you've been doing such an amazing job caring for him There's actually something I'd like to talk to you about.."

Her eyes wandered over the living room, everywhere but at Tony. When she finally did look back to him he _knew _that he wouldn't fucking like what she had to say. His fingers went icy and he could feel cold sweat all over his body.

"I was offered a position in management. A _good_ one. Still crazy hours, a lot of work but really great pay. The catch is that I'll have to do a training program. It starts in the beginning of january, and it'll be done by summer."

Tony didn't know where she was going with this and he wasn't sure he wanted to hear it. The catch didn't sound bad so he knew something else would be coming.

"It's just..the training is in _London."_

So that was it, then. He'd finally accepted that he loved that annoying kid and now he was being ripped away from him, running through his fingers.

He took a deep breath, trying to nod, trying to calm down. Fuck. He could do six months, he could visit.

It wasn't a big deal.

So why did it fucking feel like it was? Why did it feel like a fist of iron was gripping his heart?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have so much love for Anthony Stark, you'd never know. 
> 
> I have three papers due in college in the next few weeks and I haven't written a single word. Each and every single one of them is 100% of my grade for the classes I'm writing them in because projects and attendance don't count for shit in college anymore. I am graduating next semester and I still miss high school on days like those lol fml
> 
> Just ranting to tell you that I'm hopefully going to keep myself from writing too many Updates for this story because I really should be working instead of going to dinner with friends every night and writing fanfiction. 
> 
> So bear with me, Updates are coming. Soon. Just hopefully not.. too soon. Okay, I'll stop. 
> 
> Thank you SO much for reading and Just know that your comments and kudos and subscriptions mean everything.
> 
> ❤️🌜🍻


	12. but how am I supposed to love you when I don't love who I am?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Dean Lewis- Half a Man

"That's, Uh, that's great, May! Really great. Amazing. Great. Congrats! You deserve it. Amazing. Uh, yeah. Great."

He could hear how fake that sounded but he didn't know how to turn it off. He usually was a pretty decent fucking actor. Could have won an Oscar, actually. Probably should have, too, for some of his performances. Especially the one were he told that clingy girl that ...It didn't matter. Fuck. But this was _different._

The air seemed thicker than usual and he tried not to let that feeling take over. Not to let that fucking panic fill his veins when he had been doing so __good__ lately.

_God_, what the fuck was wrong with him?

There wasn't any fucking _reason_ to be upset. None whatsofuckingever.

"Well, thanks. It _almost _sounds like you're happy for me. _Almost_ absolutely sincere."

The skin around her eyes was crinkled, her lips wide in a grin. So much like Peter. "Actually, Tony, I.."

She turned to smile at Peter and Pepper walking down the steps and gestured to the table. "I don't mean to be rude here, but would you mind sitting down for a second, too? I know that this is short notice and unconventional and kind of shitty to spring this on you but they want my answer by tomorrow morning so I figured we should do this now, while we're all together."

May turned towards Peter, now, smiling slightly. "I was offered the job I told you about."

"Oh. May! That's _awesome. _Congratulations!"

Tony kept his eyes firmly on his hands. He didn't want to see Peter's excitement about going abroad. He fucking didn't and he fucking hated himself for it. He should be happy for his kid.

Tony stopped listening when both Pepper and Peter started chatting excitedly, blended the noise out and concentrated on breathing. Fucking shitshow, he was like a twelve year old girl.

Peter's tone was a lot more real than Tony's had been, a lot more authentic and happy when he was talking to May. Pissed him off to no end.

"The training recquired is in London, so that complicates things a little."

"London? That's so _cool."_

That ___hurt.___ Couldn't he be a little sad about not seeing Tony for a while? Just a little?

Just when Tony had accepted that he _needed _and fucking _wanted _Peter Parker in his life more than he thought possible, he would really just _leave him. _And not to attend MIT, but to move to the other side of the fucking world. Almost the title of that one netflix show Peter had told him about. Had been about the end of the fucking world, too. Great. He was starting to speak popculture. Yippie.

"May, wait. Does that mean _I_ have to move to London? May, Queens _needs _Spider-man. And I don't want to go to a different school, I want to.." Peter trailed off and Tony let his eyes snap up to meet Peter's, attention fully on the conversation again.

Peter didn't want to go.

He wanted to _stay. _

Peter's eyes were asking him, pleading with him to say something and every part of Tony screamed at him to fucking keep his mouth shut. A voice that sounded a lot like Howard's was inside his head, yelling about how bad a father he would be.

"He could stay here."

He had said it before he thought about it enough to _not _offer, but it felt like the only thing that made sense. He didn't look at Peter any longer or at Pepper for that matter, eyes trained on May. He _knew _that it was a bold thing to offer, rude really, and he wouldn't blame her for tearing his head off.

Noone in their right mind would leave their child with him.

"Actually, that thought has crossed my mind. I don't.. I don't _want _to go without Peter but I knew that there might be a chance that he wouldn't want to come and I wouldn't leave him with anyone else but you. But I _trust _you. I'll be working a lot, and studying the rest of the time."

She glanced towards Pepper, over to Peter and back to Tony.

"I know it's a lot to ask and I know I shouldn't have sprung this on you like this but you're the only one I'd ever trust with Peter."

Tony knew that someone trusting someone else with their child was the biggest fucking sign of trust in the world. A big fucking deal. There was _nothing _more important than someone's child- well,  
unless your name was Howard Stark. Then even the weather forecast was more important.

Then that child wouldn't be all that important. More of a nuisance, really.

"I offered." He said, eyes finally drifting to Pepper. While she didn't look completely happy, she didn't look mad either. More like deeply in thought. "You know I love the kid, May. I'll keep him safe."

He could feel the eyes of everyone on him and he looked around. _"__What__?" _

"You just said you _loved _me."

"You knew that already, you little shit, stop staring like that. I mean seriously, close your mouth before you catch flies."

"No! You usually just tell me you'll belt me, not that you _love_ me."

Tony could feel his cheeks redden, and tried to will it away. He didn't do blushing. He didn't do "i love you's" either. He'd told Pepper all of five times or so since they started dating. Fuck, he really should tell her more. She didn't deserve the mess of a man that he was. Fucking hell, Pepper deserved the world.

And so did Peter for that matter.

He silently vowed to himself that he'd give it to them.

"Well. Good to know that you're treating him kindly." May said with a smirk that told Tony that she'd known about it before Peter had just blurted out his favorite threat.

"Well, yeah, it's not like I would ever. Unless he won't stop getting on my case about watching modern family. Then I might."

Peter giggled again, the sound of it made Tony want to buy him a castle in the sky, where everything was as fucking fluffy as this little ball of sunshine. Did that even make fucking sense? He had no idea anymore. Peter's references rarely made any fucking sense and it was rubbing off on him.

"Well, I've seen the first season and it's amazing and I want to watch it with you. We _need _a show to binge watch, Tony, come on. And Phil will teach you amazing dad jokes."

"Excuse me, my dad jokes are amazing, I don't need to learn any new ones."

"Yours are _outdated__. _Stop acting like you're as old as your age says. You used to be _so _cool in the nineties." 

Tony wanted to interject, but May beat him to the punch.

"If I ever hear you refer to Tony Stark as cool in the nineties when all he did was drugs and women - no offence, Tony- I will hold you down so that he _can _smack you. That's in no way or form a role model for you."

"Well, he did some men, too." Pepper supplied with a smirk.

Tony laughed so hard he cried. God, he _really _liked the Parkers. And Pepper. They might easily be three of his five favorite people on earth.

Scratch that. In the whole fucking galaxy.  
  
  
  


When the first of january, the day of Peter's move in, rolled around, Tony had actually no fucking idea where the last month had gone.

It had seriously flown by.

They had celebrated christmas with May and Peter (and had the pictures on the fridge to prove it) but other than that, he had only seen the kid in those few hours when May was working her last ever shifts as a nurse. The two of them had been insaperable, trying to spend as much time together as possible before first seeing each other again for spring break.

More pictures of them had leaked but they had left them mostly uncommented, no press conferences or press releases. People believed what they wanted to and they had chosen not to adress anything, but they should _nudge ___them _____in _______the _________right ___________direction, ______as Pepper had said. So, a few weeks ago, Tony had posted a picture May had snapped on Instagram. Tony and Peter were playing Mario Kart and neither of their faces were really visible, but they looked relaxed. It was cute. The world had gone _nuts_.

Apparently a picture without a caption was enough of a confirmation that Peter was his son, if HollywoodLife and ClevverNews had any say in it. There were Instagram Accounts dedicated to their _relationship. _It was weird as hell, really.

They had spent a whole night munching Popcorn and watching YouTube Videos about them. It had been _hilarious. _And frightening.

If Tony had been made to publicly adress the rumors, he would have had no idea what to fucking say. Because, technically, Peter was legally his son, now. May had _refused_ to leave without the legal part taken care of. He had been ready to sign some temporary guardian stuff when May had brought up the term Co-Parent Adoption and Tony had thought she was joking, but apparently Second-Parent Adoption was a thing.

The whole process had been fucking mind blowing to him. Not in a good way. They had done everything right, filled out every form and every document. He'd had to undergo visits from a social worker and a physical exam. That one had been a true fucking joy.

They had had a court date and it had taken all of ten fucking minutes- a whole fuckind adoption! After everything was signed and approved his lawyer had told him that other parents usually waited months or years to have everything completed and paid insane legal fees.

A lot of gay parents apparently used Second-Parent Adoption to assure that they both have the same legal rights to their kids if something ever went wrong. That one pissed Tony off to no end, especially when his lawyer explained just how much money it cost.

They just wanted what was best for their fucking _children._ They wanted them to be fucking _safe _and have a home. He'd gone home and had anonymously donated a million dollars to a charity that helped struggling families.

He was becoming soft. Ugh.

Tony had used some of his time to spend time with Rhodey. He'd been a shitty ass friend the past few months and he'd been trying to make up for it. Rhodey hadn't even batted an eye when Tony had thrown a fit when Rhodey told him he'd started working again.

Rhodey was also still going to the Accords meetings that Tony so frequently tried to avoid- emphasis on _tried_. He rarely actually fucking succeeded.

Like fucking today. Peter was moving in and saying goodbye to May while he had spend the last nine fucking hours in an Office in the city, throwing insults at every idiot around. How Ross had the others agree to his eight am on a sunday meeting (the day after new years eve, no less).. Tony had no Idea.

Fucking bullshit, the whole of it.

He should just ignore all of this. Really leave the committee, stop caring.

Except- he couldn't. Half of this was his fault, and he _owed_ it to the others. Owed it to them to get them home _legally_. Get Wanda a visa, let all of them live in the compound if they wanted.

But his biggest concern was Peter. The innocent kid that turned Tony's life around so drastically that he was finally able to _breathe _again.

At least most of the time.

Sometimes Peter was the reason that Tony couldn't fucking breathe. It was _stressful_ to have living being to care for.

The streets were empty when he rushed home, eyes darting towards the clock. Pepper had been scheduled to leave for California two hours ago and Peter would be home alone.

He wasn't stupid. He _knew _Peter was old enough to be home alone, especially in a gated community with two security guards always watching the mansion. And with Friday watching his every move.

Still. It was his first day and he would _surely _be upset.

When Tony walked into the house through the garage he realized that he couldn't have been more wrong.

Peter looked like he was enjoying having the house to himself.

"Get the fuck down from the ceiling, Aragog."

Peter dropped down and landed on his feet, looking like a fucking ballerina.

"If Pepper finds any marks on the ceiling she'll kill you. I won't protect you, either."

"Or she'll kill you because you weren't home on time to tell me _not _to." Peter beamed, straightening up.

Tony grumbled, because fuck, the kid was probably right. "I've told you a thousand times that this is a shoes off household."

_"You're _still wearing shoes."

"I've just walked in, you little mongrel."

He ushered Peter towards the dining table, sitting down and eyeing him carefully. The next part had been May's Idea. Well, it had been more of a demand, really.

"We need to talk about rules."

"Excuse me?"

"Curfew, houserules, all that jazz."

Peter stared at him like he'd grown a second head.

"I think I don't even need to go through the obvious ones, the common sense ones. You have _some c_ommon sense, yeah?"

He reached over and pushed a lock out of Peter's forehead.

"There will be no tampering with the suit or with Friday, ever. I mean that, Peter, _ever. __Call_ __me __when you're hurt. Call me when you need me, even if you fucked up or think I'll be mad, yeah? _Promise_ me that."

"Promise."

The kid sounded sincere and that relieved Tony to no end. Peter wasn't a rulebreaker. He was always in trouble, yes, but not because he was a rebel. That had been Tony, really. He'd been such a fucking mess.

"I don't think I need to say anything else because you're not an _Idiot. _Maybe- stay off the ceilings, yes? Or at least wear some fucking socks instead of those ratty sneakers, you heathen."

"Can we have Pizza for dinner?"

"Are you serious? We're talking _rules here. _Imbecile."

"Yeah but you're done with the rules and I'm hungry and pizza sounds amazing right now."

"Too bad for you because we're eating salads."

Living with Peter was easy and fun and the first few days were absolutely great. It was _nice _to come home to someone who was dependant on you in a way. They bantered and bickered but everything was like out of a movie.

In the first fifteen days there were no arguments, no broken rules, no pouting, not even fucking disagreements.

It had been too good to be true.

Tony should have known it wouldn't last. He did know it, really. He just thought that their perfect streak would be ended by Peter breaking curfew, not by nightmares.

"Boss, it seems that Peter is in distress."

He had never jumped out of bed as fast as he did when Friday uttered those words quietly as not to wake Pepper.

He ran down the hall and ran even faster when he heard screams coming out of Peter's room. He burst into the dark space, thanking Friday quietly when she adjusted the lighting slightly.

Peter was in bed deeply asleep, sweaty, tangled in sheets and screaming bloody murder.

He was having a nightmare.

For a second everything around Tony stopped moving. He'd experienced more nightmares himself than any sane person would ever be able to stomach. He just hadn't had any idea that _Peter _had nightmares. It had never happened when he stayed with Tony before or he hadn't noticed.

He steps forwards, gripping Peter softly but firmly, panicking when his eyes snap open and Pete flinches away from Tony before practically jumping into his lap and melting into his embrace.

Peter was _sobbing. Fucking wailing._ Like someone had died. He was clinging to Tony for dear life, holding him as closely as possible, so tightly that it fucking hurt but Tony held him just as tightly because fuck, what the fuck was happening to his kid?

It was supposed to be better for him. Everything was supposed to be better for Peter.

"Petey, Baby, it's okay, shhh. It's going to be okay, I'm here, deep breaths."

"I-I-I _can't. _The _building _and Toomes and I can't _lift_ it."

"Peter, which building?"

"The- the- the one he _dropped _on me before he t-took your _plane." _

A sudden panic gripped at Tony's heart so tight and painful that he would have doubled over if Peter hadn't been in his lap.

He knew that the night of Peter's homecoming had been fucked up. Fuck, the kid had been shaking like leaves when they'd found him hurt and upset hiding in the dunes.

He knew that something had happened, maybe more than the whole airplane debacle.

He hadn't wanted to think about it because he had taken the fucking suit. Fucking hell, he had taken the fucking suit and he couldn't even watch the feed of the monitor back and if Toomes had dropped a vulture on Peter he could have _died _and it would have been _Tony's _fault.

He would have killed Peter. He _could ___have. __

His heart, his mind, his soul- it all felt like there had been a building dropped on _him_ now, he struggled to breathe, struggled to remain sane because it would have been _his ___fucking _____fault. ___

Tony gripped Peter tighter, rocking and shushing him softly. He listened to a half sleeping, half crying Peter explain the whole fight before he was ready to fall asleep again.

They'd been sitting there for hours at that point.

"Petey. How often do you have nightmares?"

He didn't want to hear the answer, because really, the only acceptable answer was _this ___was _____the _______first _________one._____

"Not often wh'n I'm happy, few times a w'k wh'n I'm stressed. Tis w's a bad one. First one 'n a month."

Tony took a deep breath.

"Tony." Peter whispered and he sounded so young and so fucking vulnerable that Tony didn't know whether to scream or to cry. "Please don't go. Can you stay here?"

So Tony pushed him over and laid down next to him, letting Peter latch onto him like a fucking Octopus.

He knew that some people would deem this inappropriate, but all he cared about was the fact that Peter had fucking asked him to stay.

While Peter fell asleep, Tony hated himself more than he'd ever before.

He'd been so self absorved.

He'd struggled with himself, with his own fears and nightmares. He'd been such a mess for over a year that he hadn't even considered anyone else's feelings.

Fuck.

What was wrong with him? What the fuck was fucking wrong with him?

How could he not have even considered that Peter wasn't as careless and happy as he seemed?

That kid had survived more heartbreak and trauma than anyone that age should. Ever.

In that moment, at five in the morning, mid of january, Tony vowed to himself that he would die to protect Peter Parker.

He would die for him and he would kill for him.

In that moment, he hoped that it would never come to that.

He closed his eyes, willing his tears away.

In that moment, he had no Idea that just a few months later, it _would_ come to that.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol, I'm a lazy piece of shit. I still haven't gotten much further, but I wrote this today in my break at my internship so I needed to get this out. Now I am forbidding myself from writing ANYTHING OTHER THAN MY PAPERS until at least next week.
> 
> A lot of the comments have been asking if Tony really will spank Peter and the answer is simple: No. 
> 
> Those empty threats are his way of saying that he cares and he mostly means it in a joking or a 'get your shit together' kind of way, but he will NOT be hitting him in any way.
> 
> I know that is a relief to some of you, and dissappointment to others, but I wanted to put it out there. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading and commenting. ❤️❤️❤️


	13. Dancing with your devils

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from Nightmare by Avenged Sevenfold

Tony stayed awake while Peter fell back asleep. He knew there was no way to get _any rest _after the discovery of Peter's nightmares.

He'd been a _father _for all of four weeks and his kid had stayed with him for fucking two and he'd already messed up worse than any fucking person ever could.

How. Could. He. Not. Have. Considered. Peter. Having. Struggled.

Still struggling, for that matter.

He let Peter sleep while he made an early lunch and put the stew in the oven to keep warm, sitting at his desk in the study and staring at the wall.

"Tony!" There was a yell and he was up and running up those fucking stairs, throwing the door open to see a frantic Peter trying to pull a sweater over his head while jumping and wiggling into a pair of jeans. "We _overslept__. ___Shit! __It's _eleven_. I need to get to school!"

Tony reached out and pressed Peter down on his bed, holding his cheeks between his hand so he had to look up at him.

"First of all, I'm the only one who gets to curse. Second, I called your school. You're not going today."

"_What__? I_ have a chem test!"

"You're taking it tomorrow. I won't send you to school after a night like yesterday if it's not absolutely necessary."

He saw the exact moment that Peter remembered what had happened. His face fell, his shoulders sagged and his whole demeneor deflated.

Tony didn't even think about it before he pulled Peter against his chest, heart fluttering when Peter melted into the embrace.

"Do you want to talk to someone?"

"No, _please,_ no. I promise I'm absolutely _fine." _

Fuck, this kid.. Tony just hummed. He'd decided to let it go, to monitor Peter closesly and keep tabs on his emotions. If the nightmares were just something from his subconciousness, visiting him during the night or if there were always there, hiding, just like Tony's.

"Can I go patrolling? _Please__?" _

Tony looked down at him and the _no _was on his tongue when he realized that Peter might _need _a distraction after the dream. Tony had taken that from him when he kept him home from school, had decided for him.

"Yes. I want you home in time for dinner. Seven _sharp._ Every minute too late is a day of no patrolling."

Peter stared at him with big eyes and a tilted neck. "That's pretty unreasonable, to be honest."

"Don't be late and it won't be an issue. Do you need a ride?"

Peter shook his head and mumbled something about a ferry.

"Yeah, that's a no from me, Kiddo. I installed Uber on your phone for a reason, fucking _use ___it.__" He flicked at Peter's ear softly before ruffling his hair. "Lunch, then you can go."  
  
  


It was weird, really. Like fucking weird. Donald Trump being elected president kind of weird- the way he had had a Peter sized hole inside his chest for the past 47 years, not even knowing it was there until it was filled.

His life had changed _drastically _over the past few weeks. Months, really, but he'd been able to _admit _it, lately.

He was eating better, sleeping more. He was getting closer and closer with Pepper in a way they hadn't even been before the break-up desaster, he was working reasonable hours and he had a kid to take care of.

He wondered, sometimes, how many lives had been saved by children born. How many parents had snapped out of their addictions, of their struggles to be their for their child.

He knew there were many who _couldn't. _He also knew there were many who _did. _

It was worth it, though. So, so worth it.

Going back to therapy to work through his trauma, it was worth it. This time around, he was really _trying_ to get better, not just pretending. He was also going to couples' therapy with Pepper once a week and it became a safe haven for both of them. A place where they could be vulnerable without feeling _weak. _

When april rolled around and spring came back, slowly but surely, Tony was feeling healthier than he had in years. Maybe ever. It was a good feeling.

"I'm just saying, Kid. Comic Con? How about, like, tickets to the Fast and the Furious premiere? We could go to a really sick afterparty. Would work _wonders _for your reputation."

"Please. Please, never, ever, __ever __call a party __sick__ again." Peter groaned and dropped his head on the table dramatically. Tony glared at Pepper when she snorted into her wine.

"Uh, excuse you, I'm _cool. _Much cooler than Pepper. Or May. I'm the _coolest._"

"People who are feeling the need to say they're cool are anything but." Peter said wisely, looking innocently at him before poking his tongue out.

Tony threw some broccoli at his head. Visiting May over spring break had _ruined _the sweet, innocent teenager that had been living with him and Pepper.

It was his own fault, really. He'd called May and told her to have a talk with Peter. The kid had been living there for so long and had still been terrified to upset him or Pepper.

So, May _had _talked with him and Peter felt a lot more comfortable in a way Tony thought he'd wanted and now it made his eyes roll back into his head.

If he tripped over one more pair of discarded shoes, he was seriously going to stuff them down the food disposal. Maybe going barefoot would teach the kid- except, he wouldn't.

Instead, he always picked up the shoes, yelled up the stairs and then forgot about it until he tripped the next time.

"Fine, I'll buy you tickets to Comic Con. I'm drawing the line at that VidCon thing you talked about, I mean it."

"No, Tony, you don't need to buy them if you'll _speak _there." Peter's smile was wide and he shot Pepper a proud look.

Of fucking _course _that had been their goal. Pepper had been nudging him to accept the invite for weeks now, babbling on about good press. As if he fucking cared.

"Absolutely not."

He glared at Peter, but he could feel a smile tugging at his lips and it was there before he could stop it. Great. He had to go speak at Comic Con. What the actual hell was his life turning into?

"Oh _sweet. _That's so cool. Like, actually, really cool. Can we take the jet? That would be _awesome_. Oh, can we maybe stay in California for a few days? It'll be summerbreak. That would be so lit, Tony. May and Pepper could come, and we could have a family holiday. Oh that would be _awesome. _I have never been to San Diego before. I have never been to _California _before."

Tony just groaned. He did it for show, mostly, and by that infuriating look Pepper shot him- she knew it as well. And really, a family holiday sounded nice. Really nice, actually. He wished they were going to Ibiza instead of fucking Comic Con, but maybe they could just drive down to Mexico for a few days.

"Can I sleep over at Ned's tomorrow?"

"All you ever do is ask me for things." Tony sighed dramatically and waved his hand around his head. "It's _heartbreaking. _All you care about is _money _and _permission_ to do things, you never want to spend time with me anymore."

Pepper laughed loudly while Peter giggled at his theatrics. Fuck, what if he had been serious? Would they have ignored him, too? Rude. "Of course you can sleep over at Ned's."

Peter had never invited Ned over to the mansion, but he slept over there once or twice in as many weeks.

Tony, oddly enough, missed him when he was gone, but he enjoyed being alone with Pepper when they had the house to themselves. It was different, then. Wilder. More reckless. Adventurous. He could go on and fucking on.

So, no, he didn't have a problem with Peter sleeping over at Ned's. He rarely forbade anything, actually. There was _no ___reason__ for it. Peter had a curfew, yes, but that curfew varied. Sometimes he wanted him home for dinner, sometimes he allowed him to stay out until ten, sometimes until midnight. _Never _after midnight, though. There had been an exception for a late night movie showing with Ned, but Tony himself had picked him up and they had driven home together.

Tony didn't know why, but something about midnight screamed "ultimate curfew" at him.

Their rules were easy. He liked it, too. He didn't want to be the bad cop scolding his kid. He wanted to be the fun parent with all the movies and the snacks and the adventures. It was _fun. _They had _fun. _He should have known it was too good to be true.

"Oh, you know _what? _I was out Spider-manning yesterday, and like _totes _forgot to tell you about the _huge dog I ___saw. __It was hilarious, it was like barking really weirdly and sniffing people's legs and I was kind of like, watching, you know? And then it turned out that it was an _actor_ hidden inside and everyone totally freaked out. It was so funny."

He was laying in bed the next night, kissing Pepper rather passionately when Friday alerted him that Spider-Man needed help. He jumped out of bed, leaving a panicked Pepper in his wake. What was Peter even doing out as Spider-man at midnight when he _knew _that Ned's curfew was at ten, and that Tony wouldn't allow him to be out so late.

Something _had _to have happened.

He needed to _hurry._ How would he ever explain it to May if something happened to their kid on his fucking watch?

At first he thought that it would be weird to jump into his suit with a boner, but it turned out that the thought of Peter in danger made his hard-on dissappear faster than it should be possible.

He was _horrified. Panicking. Scared. _Were there more fucking words? He was sure there were but he could barely think straight. "Come on, Fri, get me a location."

"I can't." The voice appeared in his ear while he set off towards Queens. "It seems that Peter's tracker has been disabled. His AI is not responding to any of my commands or protocols which is why I have alerted you of possible danger. Per protocol, Peter would not be able to disable any of the measurements set in place to protect him, therefore an abduction seems as one of the plausible explanations."

Tony muted Friday after that, stopping mid-air for a few seconds to control his breathing. He wouldn't be able to help Peter if he was fucking panicking over the river. He could feel the cold sweat all over his body.

He took a deep breath before barking at his own AI to set his destination as Ned Leed's home. "And keep checking the news and social media, keep checking if anything pops up. You hear me, Baby? _Anything."_

He landed on Peter's best friend's roof, hurrying down twenty flights of stairs because the fucking elevator wasn't working.

He knew he wasn't thinking rationally, but he didn't know what to do to stop it. He _didn't. _

"Fri, my love, any updates?"

"I'm sorry, Boss. I have not been able to detect anything so far. I apologize, I don't know what's going on, I can't tell you if Peter is still in his suit or not, even though I need to advise you to _breathe ___calmly__, because-"

He muted her again and frantically knocked on the door to Ned's Appartment while he let the armor retract. He was hoping to get any clues on his son's whereabouts here and hoped he wasn't wasting his time.

Ned had to know _something. ___Maybe h__e should be flying over the city, hoping to get a glimpse of him. Maybe he should be calling Rhodey or Vision or Happy. Fuck, he had no idea what he was _supposed _to be doing and why was noone opening that _fucking _door?

Just as he hammered again, the door is opened by a strict looking woman. She looked like she had just slept. It was late, so she probably had.

"Yes?" Recognition crossed her face and it frustrated him, suddenly, that they had never met before. He should have met her before.

"Is Peter here?"

She didn't question it, didn't question him fucking standing on her doorstep at half past twelve fucking am, panicking and panting and fucking _scared,_ just stepped to the side and pointed at a door down the hall. He had never been so thankful before in all of his fucking life.

He practically ran, and pushed it open, door slamming against the wall, heart almost stopping and fucking breaking when Peter wasn't in the room.

"What the _fuck?" _  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm almost done with paper 1 of 3 lol. But I posted the first chapter of a new story I was writing while my laptop was updating earlier, and I felt like I needed to finish a chapter for this story, too. 
> 
> Oh, the struggle. 
> 
> I'm starting the last week of my internship tomorrow and I'm so ready for it to be over and go back to my own city. It's only been a month, but I'm reaaady. You feel me? 
> 
> Also, thank you SO MUCH for the lovely Feedback I have been getting. It means the fucking world to me! All my looooove and I apologize for this chapter, it's a mess lol


	14. fear might be the death of me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from Heavydirtysould by twentyonepilots.

Ned's eyes were wide when he stared up at Tony. He was probably starstruck with a heavy dose of panicked sprinkled on top.

"Where the hell is Peter?"

Ned looked too shocked to speak so Tony steps further into the room, staring down at the computer screens. There were three. Little tech nerd.

The right one had the coding to Spider-mans suit open. It looked like it hacked and adjusted the protocols and settings of the suits every few seconds, succesfully sidestepping the protocols that Tony had set in place that would reset settings.

Fucking hell.

_Genius. _Tony had never seen coding that inventive and sneaky and he had _questions._ Fuck. He should be keeping this kid in mind for after college.

He let his eyes wander over a screen filled with some game until his eyes landed on the last screen, he could clearly see Peter's location down by the docks.

"Reverse that. Right now." He said and glared at Ned. "Fucking hell. _This_ is as smart as it is dangerous. If you ever do that for Peter again, I'll make sure you won't spend any time together unless supervised. Clearikowski?"

He was already turning, shooting a stiff smile at Mrs Leeds before leaving and setting his navigation to Peter's last known location.

Fucking hell. Fucking motherfucking bloody hell.

He wished he knew more colorful words but he couldn't come to think of any at that moment.

What the hell was he doing? He should just let the kid fucking be. He was always telling Peter that he was _cool_ and now he was going to drag him home in the middle of some mission?

Except- it wasn't a mission. Missions got planned out, there was fucking _back-up_ and the people on those fucking missions were of age and _not ___his _____son. ___

Great.

Fucking great.

When he got to the docks, Fri showed him to Peter right away. He didn't want to disturb _anyone _or _anything _going on by the sound of his suit.

He waited on top of a building, calling Peter. If Ned had stopped that stupid fucking program of his, he'd be pitched through.

"...no, Karen, not now- oh, hi, Tony. Why are you still awake? Ned and I are building that lego thing you bought me. I thought you and Pepper had a date night planned. Well, technically, you could still be awake that late, then, but then I __really__ don't want to hear anything about that, you know. I know you think that it's cool if you talk to me about like, sex, but honestly, Tony, it _****_scars_****_ me and I-"

"Shut up, Peter. I'm waiting on the roof of the building with the banners on the side. I want you up here in the next sixty seconds."

He hung up before the kid could reply. He didn't want to hear what he had to say. All he wanted was to get back to Pepper who was waiting in bed- but she'd probably have fallen asleep. Niceynice.

The second Peter hopped up there, he swooped him up, blending out his protests ("oh, come _on_, Tony, if that makes it onto YouTube..") and setting off in the direction of their house.

They arrived in five minutes and Tony suddenly felt tired as fuck.

He _knew _that this is what he signed up for but he didn't fucking like it.

"Mask off. You know, there is many things I don't like. But there's a few I _really _don't like. People messing with my tech, for example, or when I'm forced to be uncool. Makes me feel old. And I really, _really _don't like feeling old."

"I'm-"

"Nuhuh. I'm not done. You put yourself in danger without a _reason. _You _planned ___this. __You asked to stay over there because you _knew _I would say no. You let Ned hack my suit, you stayed out late as fuck without any fucking way for me to reach you, find you or goddamn __help__ __you __if needed."

He took a deep breath and while he did, Peter spoke up. "But I wasn't in danger. I was just observing!"

"And how the _hell _was I supposed to know that? The second your suit went off the grid, Friday alerted me saying that you were in danger. You could have been kidnapped or fucking _killed _for all I fucking knew."

His voice was rising slightly, bordering on a yell. He _hated _yelling. He rather snarked than anything else but he couldn't control his temper, fear prickling down into his body again. His veins felt clogged, his heart like it was beating out of his chest.

The funny thing was that this was _nothing _like one of his panick attacks.

It was so much worse.

Because he could breathe and he could still think rationally and that made his insane because it felt so fucking real. This wasn't just some fucking nightmare. Peter _could _have been hurt.

He wasn't, but he could have been.

"I hadn't seen it that way." Peter's voice was small, hesitant and he was fumbling with the mask in his hands.

What the hell was Tony supposed to do? He normally _threatened _punishments, he wasn't doling them out.

What were parents actually doing these days? Saying no to desserts? How the fuck was he supposed to know?

"Yeah, well, you have a brain, so why don't you use it?" Tony hissed.

"I'm sorry."

Good. That was a start. He was apologetic. Even sounded and looked the part, too.

"Sorry isn't enough this time." What a weird sentence. He remembered his dad saying that before he shipped him off to boarding school after he stole and crashed the neighbor's car. Fucking great. He sounded like Howard once again.

"I don't know what to say to you, Peter. You know that it was wrong before you did it, but you did it anyway. Thing is, I don't think I can trust you at Ned's anymore. So you guys can hang out at school, or here. Don't even _think _about asking to spend the night there because the answer will be no."

Peter's face fell, but he didn't look surprised. He probably _knew _that that was coming.

"And you know, no patrol for a while. You'll be helping out at work instead. Don't look happy about it, you'll be working in the archives at SI. A _lot _of really old documents need to be digitalized. You should get that done in the next week or two or five, who knows. Really bland work. So the faster you work, the faster you're free. And now gow go sleep, okay?"

He felt so fucking tired and he felt so fucking old. Great. This kid was going to be the death of him.

How did people _do _it? Especially when they had more than one kid? Or rebellious ones? This had just been one single night. One. He was an angel every other night. Parents were fucking _saints._

_"_May always says that you shouldn't go to bed angry. So we need to, like, hug before you send me to my room." Peter sounded young when he looked up at him, hesitant again. Like he was afraid that Tony would send him away. That wouldn't fucking do, ever.

"Well, May is one of the smartest women out there." He mused and tugged Peter close.

"I really am sorry." It was whispered against his chest, making Tony's beating heart settle.

Friday had been wrong about Peter being in danger, it had all been a mistake- Peter was healthy and happy and _safe. _

"I know, squirt. I'm sorry for yelling, I was just so incredibly scared, you know?"

He heard Peter's sharp intake of breath and he wasn't surprised. He usually didn't share that many _feelings _with him. Maybe he should change that, his shrink had told him to.

It was easier to mumble a sentence like that, especially in the middle of the night in a dimmed room. It made it personal, private, confidential.

"Peter, do you remember what I said to you months ago?" He was still holding on tight, refusing to let go of him yet.

"You tell me _a ___lot __of things. I remember most. Which one do you mean? Are you talking about the time you told me how normal masturbation is? Because I think I wouldn't be able to forget that even if I got, like, Alzheimers one day."

Tony snorted into Peter's hair. "No. I mean the time I told you that you could always call me for help, even if you ever got into trouble or danger and think I'll be pissed about it. Just wanted you to remind you of that."

He loosened his hold on Peter, then, pushing him into the direction of the stairs. "Go take a shower. You _smell. _Actually, when I let you work on the suit again we should put some automatic deodorant in."

"Oh, haha, very funny." Peter said with an eyeroll so big that Tony could practically _feel_ even though Tony was walking behind him.

"Shower, teeth, bed. You're on kitchen duty tomorrow."

Peter turned around quickly, shooting a small smile. "Thank you."

"What the hell for?"

"For not murdering me."

Tony smiled back before walking into his own bedroom. Had He been too strong? Too soft? Having been raised mostly by a nanny and a butler, the concept of discipline and consequences would always be just a little weird to him.

"Is he okay? Friday told me he was safe the second you guys found out."

Pepper looked absolutely beautiful in the light of the candles she had lit when she was gone, lights and shadows flickering across her body.

"He's fine." He swallowed. Hard.

"Good. I thought we could continue where we stopped earlier?" 

"It's been a week, Tony. A _week. _And I'm not even halfway done." Peter whined and dropped his head on the table. "Please, I promise, if you let me off the hook, I'll stop telling everyone about the time you yelled at the pasta for not boiling faster and tell them how incredibly cool you are instead."

Tony snorted, taking a bite of his mashed potatoes and shooting an innocent smile.

"Nope." He popped the p in a way he knew would make Peter glare. He wasn't disappointed, the glare appeared before disappearing again.

"But I'm _bored. _Can we, like, at least do something fun tomorrow? It's _sunday. _SI is closed."

"Ah. But don't you know I _own _Stark Industries? _It's ___named__ after me. Crazy, isn't it? I could unlock the doors for you."

Peter glared again, pushing his bottom lip out. "I miss Pepper. It's not fair that she gets to go see May and I have to stay here."

"You saw May a little while ago and Pepper is in England for _business. _Seeing May is just a bonus. But if you stop complaining, we could watch a movie together tonight."

It was their thing. After long days or during sleepless nights they dragged down as many blankets as they could find, made popcorn and watched movies. Or, more recently, the had started binge watching shows.

"A movie or Prison Break?"

"Your choice, kid."

Peter chose Prison Break. And while he layed on the couch, feet tugged into Tony's side, munching on Popcorn, Tony let himself be happy once again.

He let himself _feel_ the happiness. He concentrated on it, let it flood into his veins and arteries. Let it rush down his skin and prickle his eyes.

It was a weird feeling. Amazing.

He still struggled every day, some days more than others.

He struggled to let himself feel and to not blame himself for everything that ever went wrong in his life.

Maybe, soon, he would be ready to speak to his team.

Maybe they could be friends again. They wouldn't ever have what they used to have, but they could work on it. Maybe.

Because if Tony Stark could make everything inside himself stitch itself back together.. maybe he'd learn to forgive, too.

He had forgiven Pepper. Truly forgiven her. It was freeing.

Maybe, one day, he could fully forgive Steve. Or, well, at least hear him out.

For Peter. Peter didn't need a father figure who couldn't forgive, forget and move on. He shouldn't teach him it was okay to hold a grudge because that wasn't _healthy. _

He looked at Peter to tell him that he loved him on a whim, but the kid was picking his nose, so he laid his head back and laughed.   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you ❤️ for reading, for your feedback, for being you. You pick one :)


	15. we're not broken, just bent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Just Give Me A Reason by Pink ft. Nate Ruess

It sounded mushy in a way, but Peter had turned into the sun of his life.

When Peter and Pepper both were there it was like the sun and the moon were both lighting up his sky.

God, it really sounded horrible when he said it like that, but according to his therapist, mushy was good.

He was trying. Last time he'd been meant to write a poem to both of them. It had been fucking _ridiculous. _He had crumpled them up and thrown them up the second he was out of the office.

He was getting better but he wasn't _there _yet.

A sentence he'd once said to Peter. That they weren't there yet- now they were hugging almost daily.

That was still a weird concept, but he was letting it happen.

"Tony?" Peter was standing in front of him, nervously wringing his hands and stepping from foot to foot. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure." He was locking his StarkPad and laid it to the side. "What's up?"

"I was, you know, just wondering, if I could, you know stay at Ned's this weekend? I wasn't, uhm, I've been good and I haven't asked and, uh, it's just that it's been three weeks and, uh, I thought maybe I could.." He trailed off, eyes darting to Tony and back to his feet.

What was he supposed to say? He knew his answer, but he pondered it anyways. He wanted to be the cool dad. He did. It was May, now, and _Peter's_ May would be coming home in two months and she could be the strict one and he'd be the _fun ___one.__

But he'd made his own rules. He knew he had different rules than May.

"Peter." He sighed. "When I said that you couldn't sleep at Ned's anymore, I meant that you couldn't sleep there anymore as long as you were staying with me."

"_Oh." _Peter's face fell and he blinked a few times.

"Sorry, kiddo. But I don't trust you over there. Ned can stay here, if you want."

"No, thank you." Peter whispered and turned away from him.

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why?"

"Is Ned not allowed to stay over here? His parents won't let him?"

"No, he is. I just.. school's been weird since the adoption and uhm, I'd like to keep those parts of my life seperate for a little while longer."

"So it has nothing to do with the fact that you were planning on disobeying me and sneak out past your curfew as Spider-man?"

Peter's eyes widened almost comically. "How did you.. how did you find out?"

His face hardened. "I didn't. You just told me."

"Oh. Tony, I didn't mean to.. it's just that I've been monitoring those people for a while and it's just.."

"What people?"

"They are, uhm, drug dealers." Tony looked at him for a long second. He knew that his kid was leaving something out, but he was also telling the truth.

Tony honestly didn't give two shits about some drug deal.

"Well, you just got yourself grounded this weekend, so you won't be going anywhere or have any friends over."

He hadn't even grounded Peter after the whole hacking the suit again thing but this- him lying deliberately because he knew Tony would say no. Fuck, he was lame. But that couldn't be changed.

"_What__? _You can't punish me for something I didn't even do yet!"

"Emphasis on _yet_ because you were planning on it. And you find that, oh, _surprise_, I very well can. Because I'm the adult and you're the kid. Game over and out."

"Stop being so extra." Peter huffed and Tony didn't know whether to cuff him upside the head for his rudeness or laugh. He did neither.

"Stop being such a brat."

Peter huffed again, turned around and stomped away and up the stairs.

"One, two, three, ahh there it is." Tony counted dramatically and waved with his hand the second Peter's door slammed shut.

Well, May had said yesterday that if kids reacted that way, there was a huge chance that one was doing something right.

Fucking hell. Teenagers were hell.

Peter pretty much pouted all of Friday and Saturday and when he forgot to pout, he started again. It was lovely. Absolutely fucking lovely.

"Hey, Tony?"

"Hm?"

"I changed my mind. Can Ned stay over here tonight? He asked his mom and she said-"

Tony didn't even look up from Peter's English homework he was checking. He actually didn't even acknowledge that the kid had spoken, because fuck, if that request wasn't bold as fuck in the worst way possible, he didn't know what was.

"Tony?"

"No."

"But you didn't even-"

"I said _no_, Peter."

"But..why?"

"Stop offending your own intelligence, kid, it isn't becoming."

"Fine."

He started pouting again. It was a mixture of hilarious and nails on a chalkboard.

"I just think it's funny that you-"

"Ah." Tony sighed, reading the last word of Peter's essay. "Whenever Pepper says that, she doesn't find whatever I said or did funny at _all. _If this is the same kind of situation, I wouldn't finish that sentence if I were you."

"Okay, fine. Can I go call May?"

"Of course, you don't need to ask."

Peter stomped away, mumbling under his breath.

"What was that?"

"I just said that you like to control every aspect of my life, so why not when I can call May?"

Tony just stared at Peter's retreating back.

Definitely nails on a chalkboard today.

_May Parker (5:23): I'm proud of you! _

_Tony Stark (5:23): why? _

_May Parker (5:24): Because you're being a good dad, Stark. It's not always sunshine and rainbows . _

_Tony Stark (5:25): if you write some sappy "there's rain before a rainbow" shit, I'm gonna block you _

_ May Parker (5:32): lol, I'd rather die _

_ Tony Stark (5:49): tasteless , considering our son is an orphan _

_ May Parker (5:53): hahaha fuck you're right, don't tell him _

_Tony Stark (5:54): did we just Exchange roles? Wtf Partner_

_ Tony Stark (5:54): **** Parker _

_May Parker (5:55): I Like Partner better hahah co-parentpartners forever_

_Tony Stark (5:55): stop I'm really gonna block you_

Tony wouldn't ever block May Parker. She was, and this was shocking to admit out loud, one of his closest friends. It had happened somehow along the way during coffee meet ups, adoption court dates, Christmas movie nights and family skype sessions.

They were family, too, now.

Pepper had a lot of friends, or at least people she called friends: some she went to SoulCycle with, some were her Yoga friends, some went running with her. The absolute _worst _were the women she brunched with. Horrible people. Tony _hated _them.

But May Parker had become one of Pepper's few _real_ friends. May was so different from the people they usually associated themselves with, it was fucking refreshing. _Real. _

Pepper wanted to ask May to be one of her bridesmaids. It was cute as hell, really. He'd told them as much- but in a mocking way. He hoped they knew he meant it.

"Tony." He looked up to see Pepper walking in with a smile.

She looked gorgeous. Absolutely bloody gorgeous. 

"Happy anniversary."

Fucking hell. What? Their anniversary wasn't until June.. right?

"Uh.."

"You made me CEO exactly seven years ago, today. So I thought we could go out to dinner. Go to bed early, you know?"

"I'm not really tired." He scrunched up his face in embarassment as he realized what Pepper had meant and she laughs when he lets his head tip forward against his chest. "Okay, wow, kill me now."

"You sound like Pete." She mumbled and brushed her hand through his hair. He felt like he might fucking purr.

"Hmmh. Let's go to dinner at that Greek place down the street. That moody brat upstairs can be on his own for a little while."

She pulled him up, nodding. "Let me just change really quickly and we can go. Give Peter some money for pizza."

"He can order a salad." Tony grumbled but moved up the stairs anyway. He pushed open Peter's door to find him sitting by the window, staring outside longingly.

"Hey, can you _knock?" _

Oh, what he would do to have his sweet Peter back.

There were moments when he wished that he'd ignored Friday's alert a few weeks ago and let Peter be. Everything would be fine, now.

But he knew that he could have never done that. And he wouldn't take it back if he could, either.

Plus it was, according to May Parker, apparently completely fucking normal to have those weird days were nothing seemed to go right between a child and their parent.

Absofuckinglutely fantastic.

He realized, once again, how easily he called himself Peter's parent nowadays.

His parents _and _Ben were probably rolling in their graves right now.

Noone in their right mind would want Tony Parker caring for their child. Which also meant, that May Parker wasn't in her right mind. He made a mental note to remind her of that later.

"Well, it's my house and the way you've been slamming those doors, I'm pondering over maybe taking your door away. So me barging in here might give you an idea of how that would be like."

"_Fine._ I won't slam the stupid door."

"If it's stupid, does that mean you don't want it?"

He saw Peter getting frustrated and he could feel himself get worked up, too.

How had that happened? He had just meant to go up, let him know they would be gone for dinner and give him some money. He hadn't meant for it to escalate once again.

He should have fucking knocked.

"Fine. Take the door, then. You're already an annoying dad, might as well make it official." Peter snarked and Tony's heart stopped.

He knew Peter hadn't called him dad, but that right there had been _close. _Even if it was wrapped up in a snarky comment.

"Yeah, well, deal with it."

He sighed, then, and was about to apologize when Peter snapped at him.

"Was there anything you wanted?"

It wasn't what he said, but the way he said it. It was the kind of voice that made Tony want to smack that glare off his face which meant that he should probably leave before he did something that would be undeserved. Mostly. Well, it would be deserved, but .. fuck.

Tony's face went hard and his voice cold. "Pepper and I are going to dinner down the street, so make yourself a sandwich and behave. Friday will be watching you. A toe out of line, and I swear to god, Peter..."

He didn't finish his threat because he just didn't know what he would do. It was the way they worked.. when they joked around, he made empty threats that he would _never _act upon.

But when he was serious, he rarely knew what the right thing to say was.  
It had become a way for Peter to find out when he was joking and when he was _very _serious.

There were many things Tony didn't see before he left, because he was already turning away from Peter.

He didn't see how Peter perked up at the prospect of being alone. He didn't see how the wheels in his head basically started turning, how his face set and his shoulders tensed.

He didn't realize that Peter had just commited to a plan.

Because he didn't see any of that, he closed the door softly and walked down the stairs, straight towards Pepper who was waiting for him with a smile. He took her hand, pulled her towards the garage and opened the door of the red Audi for her.

If he had seen _any _of the signs on Peter's face, he never would have fucking left. He would have locked the kid into his room, fed him a banana and given him some water.

He never would have left.

He would have stayed home, hoping to keep his son safe.

But he didn't see, so he went to dinner with Pepper.  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoooops, there we go. 
> 
> Thanks for sticking with my story and reading it. 
> 
> And a Special thanks to those of you who have gone to check out my other stories. A double special thanks to those who have read all of them in the past couple of days, binge reading through them😭 it really made me smile. 
> 
> See you again after the weekend 🌜❤️


	16. If you ever make a mess, I'll do anything for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from For the Widows in Paradise-Sufjan Stevens

"Do you know how beautiful you are?" Tony smiled and popped an olive into his mouth, eyes never leaving Pepper. She just hummed, sipping her wine.

Okay, so he had to step up his game. Which wasn't fucking fair, because they were basically celebrating him handing away his company on a silver platter because he had been _dying._

It had been the best decision he had ever made, but still- he'd basically made her one of the most succesfull business women in the country.

Well.. she had made herself that, but he had given her the oppurtunity, so same fucking thing.

"I love you. Did I tell you recently?"

He knew he hadn't.

The way her face softened and the lines around her eyes crinkled were prove enough. He didn't even think he had told her at all since she came back. What a great fucking husband-to-be he was.

"I love you, too."

There was so much tenderness in her words, so much of _something _that made him go weak in the knees. God, that woman.

He felt drunk. Drunk on love- god, he really should go talk to Clint, he'd smack this mushy talk out of him. It was _disgusting. _Except.. he couldn't. He _couldn't _go to Clint. Fucking hell.

He wasn't actually drunk- he hadn't even had wine with dinner. It was calculating, really, because he knew that Pepper frowned upon his drinking. He didn't even blame her, she'd see him hungover too many times to count.

She was totally fine with him having a beer or some wine, it wasn't _this _she detested. But he also knew that him not drinking _at ___all __made her _very _happy. Blowjob happy, probably, and with Pepper that really meant something.

Those were _good _nights.

Being intimate with Pepper was always good, it wasn't that, but those nights (or mornings, or afternoons) were extra special. It was like being rewarded. Like a puppy, with a treat.

Fucking hell. He really shouldn't _ever _say that out loud. _Everrrr__. _

"Is Peter still annoyed with you?"

He snorted. "Uh, yeah. Very much so. Teenagers are fucking exhausting."

The waitress appeared beside them to take their plates. "Can I offer you the Dessert menu or would you like to go straight to Ouzo?"

"Neither. We'll take the check." Pepper said sweetly and pulled her credit card out.

"Uh, I don't think so." Tony huffed and pulled out his own.

"You're literally paying my salary, Tony Stark, I can pay for dinner."

"I have never _once _let you pay for anything. Well, unless I was drunk, so nuhuh. Also, it's not _me_ personally who pays you."

The waitress came back and smiled softly. "Well, we don't take cards here, you need to pay cash. Sorry."

Pepper huffed and glared at Tony. That basically translated to "I don't have cash on me, so you win."

He pulled out a bill and slid it towards the waitress without looking at the check. "Keep the change."

"Oh, Sir, I think you made a mistake. Your _whole_ bill is 24,50 and you just handed me a hundred."

"Today's your lucky day then, isn't it?" He winked at her, totally relishing in the fact that she apparently had no idea who he was.

He pulled Pepper up and out of the restaurant, walking down the street. It was a nice neighboorhood, and they walked past the guard that lead into their gated area.

"Why is the house so dark?" Pepper asked suddenly and he hesitated. The house was usually lit up brightly, but now everything was dimmed down. It looked a lot like emergency mode- fucking hell.

He let go off Pepper's hand, told her to stay there and waved the two security guards over. "Anything out of the ordinary?"

At the shake of their heads, he let the nanotech envelope him. "Fri, what's the situation?"

"I'm sorry, I cannot connect to my counterpart in the house. It seems the system is currently rebooting and updating, code 129056."

His blood turned to ice. "Who authorized the reboot?"

"Analyzing the information I have, Boss. Analysis complete. I can first access all information when the reboot is complete. You need to authorize the completion."

"Yes, Jesus. Do it. Code 129054."

"Complete. It was Peter, Boss."

He let the suit retract again, walking inside the house. He had basically _known _it had been him. He also knew that Peter wasn't in the house. His icy blood turned hot, basically boiling.

"I'm gonna slap the shit out of him. I mean it this time." He thought he did, at least. What he knew was that he was so angry at this moment that he _would _if Peter was here right now.

So good thing he wasn't. He'd calm down before hauling him home..He thought, at least. Big possibility.

"Well if you don't, I will." Pepper said and he turned to stare at her. She looked pissed and he liked that, for once, it wasn't directed at him.

Nice for a change.

"Or, how about we calm down and _don't _hit the kid? Pretty sure that's bad parenting." He mused and started laughing. He couldn't hold it back, and it was so ridiculous that he didn't know _why _he was laughing like a manic person.

But suddenly Pepper was laughing, too, and He pressed his forehead against hers. "He probably sneaked over to Ned's. Maybe we should just let them be, go to bed, pretend we didn't notice until later. We shouldn't let him ruin our night, his pissy mood for the next few weeks will be enough once he finds out that I'll fucking ground him until May gets back."

Pepper laughed but didn't reply. She just took of her blouse and moved towards the stairs, giggling when Tony threw her over his shoulders.

There was no way that Tony or Pepper could have known that If they hadn't gone up to bed, if Tony just had gone to drag Peter home in right that minute, their lifes wouldn't have changed in the way they did.

But they didn't know, so they went upstairs. They were pulling off clothes, pushing and prodding, laughing and panting, tickling and smacking. There were many limbs, a lot of happiness and carelessness that came with the knowledge of no kid with superhearing at home.

They were laying in bed, Pepper's head on his chest, when Friday alerted him that there was a call for him.

"Not now." He said while caressing Pepper's arm with his fingertips. There was nothing in the world he would let ruin this picture perfect moment.

"Boss, it's Ned Leeds. He says it's urgent."

For a second time that night, his blood turned to ice. There was only _one _reason Ned would be calling _him _at midnight.

"Put him through, speaker in the bathroom." He was jumping up, rushing towards the shower. He _reeked_ of sex and if he was about to pick up Peter, that would be less than ideal. The kid had hightened senses and Tony didn't want to fucking traumatize him. Well, not more than necessary.

He was standing under the water, scrubbing by the time Ned started speaking.

"Mr Stark?"

His voice was nervous and Tony turned of the water, drying off as quickly as possible. That shower had to have been the fastest he ever had.

"Yes, Ned, what's up? How can I help you?"

"Something.. something happened to Peter. You need to _help ___him." __

"Where is he? I can leave right now and be there in a few."

Ned was panicked, maybe even crying. "No, no, you don't _understand. _Something went wrong with his plan and they caught him and now Karen is offline."

Everything stopped for a second. He was a fucking idiot. A fucking stupid _idiot._ He had thought that maybe Peter had broken a wrist and needed to be picked up. Unlike last time Friday had alerted him, he hadn't even fucking _considered_ something like that.

What kind of fucking father was he?

Apparently, he was giving Howard a fucking run for his money.

He had been having sex while his son got into trouble. And not copying homework and getting caught kind of trouble, but life threatening kind of trouble.

If- no, _when _he was at home safely, Tony would kill him. Wouldn't even feel bad about it, either.

"Okay, take a deep breath. Calm down a little, I'll figure it out. Just tell me what you know."

He was running downstairs, suit engulfing him once again while Friday connected the call to his coms.

It was weird, really. He was very calm all of the sudden, like everything in him _knew _that it counted, now. That his brain needed to be working, that his body needed to _move. _

It was like his subconciousness decided that this was _real_. There was no actual way of him knowing shit. He manually tried to contact Peter's suit, and then his phone.

The suit was offline, and he couldn't track it either. He could track the phone though, so he let Friday set the cordinates into his navigation.

"I don't know a lot, Mr Stark. I just know that it's about the same drug dealers as last month. Peter said that they needed to be stopped at all cost and I thought he was right, you know, because it sounded like they were dangerous. Didn't think that a lot could happen, you know? Peter is so _fast_ and he has that danger sense. I was listening in and suddenly he let out a gasp and then he kind of whimpered and people were talking _really close _to his face but it was Russian, I think, I couldn't understand it. And then there was ruffling and everything went offline after that."

"They caught him." Tony said and he heard Ned sob quietly. He didn't know why, but it annoyed him. It wasn't his priority to comfort Ned. "You two are really something else. Ned, fuck, I _know _you are smarter than this. He needs Back-up for that kind of stuff and _you _don't count."

He took a deep breath. "Okay. I'm almost at the place where his phone his. I'll call you when I've got him."

He landed in an alleyway somewhere in Brooklyn. This was a shitty neighboorhood at best, and he instantly knew that Peter's phone had been dumped and there was no way his kid was waiting here.

And if he was inside that dumpster..

Tony didn't even want to think it.

"Fri, dear, can you find his Phone for me?"

She could, of course, and a highlighted area appeared in his vision so he stomped over, never getting out of his suit.

He wasn't someone who was easily scared, but bullets couldn't hurt him in the suit and well, he wouldn't be surprised if someone in this neighboorhood would try to kill him for the watch on his hand.

What the hell was he doing? How had his day turned out like this?

He bent down to pick up Peter's phone, light in his vision disappearing. He unlocked the phone with the passcode that Peter didn't knew he had.

He had never, ever used it before and he hadn't thought he would ever betray Peter's privacy like that.

Not that he gave a fuck about that now.

He scrolled through the messages he had received, the calls he'd made but nothing caught his eye.

There was _nothing. _

He opened his mails, his Instagram, his Snapchat. Again, nothing.

Nothing in his pictures, either.

He opened the Notes app and scrolled through, hesitating on a file without a title. When he clicked on it, it was the adress down by the docks where Tony had picked him up all those weeks ago.

That would be his next stop.

He took of right away, and arrived in a few minutes. The building looked dark. "Fri, scan the building."

"Scan complete. No human activity or explosives detected."

That was basically a "Safe to enter" in Friday and he wasted no time to blast open the door.

The building was more of a giant warehouse and it was completely empty.

There was nothing except lamps, no furniture, no tools, no traces of anyone ever having been there.

Something caught his eye on the floor and once he saw it, he didn't know how he ever missed it.

There, in the middle of the floor in a huge abandoned warehouse was a pile of something.

He hurried over, bending down and grabbing the marterial.

He had known what it was the second he saw it, but he had prayed that he was wrong, that there was a mistake, that he was going blind or some shit.

But he was right and everything had just gone from fucking bad to worse.

There, in a heap on the floor, was a bundle of red and blue marterial.

Peter's suit.

He closed his eyes for a second while picking it up, hoping against better judgement that Peter was still wearing the mask, that they didn't know his identity, that he could contact him somehow if he just hacked into Karen somehow. That atleast _that_ was fixable.

He opened his eyes against, blinking against the tears when he found himself staring down at the mask in his hand.  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaand it begins


	17. my body's filled with my regret and sorrow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is taken from The Saddest Song by Alec Benjamin

Tony was at the compound minutes later. Logically, he knew his suit didn't fly slower than it normally did, but it fucking felt like it and maybe it was therefore that yelling at Friday and at the suit and the fucking world made him feel better.

He wished he could just fast forward to a few days later, when everything was over and done and he was laying on his couch with Peter and Pepper. They could watch that baby princess tiara show thingy that they had tried to bully him into watching.

He had refused. God, he wished he'd said yes. He had enjoyed when they made him watch Dance Moms after all. This could have been the fucking same.

He was angry.

Especially because he was slightly anxious. He hadn't been back to the compound in months and the feeling of dread was consuming him in ways he couldn't comprehend _or _explain.

Not even to himself.

It was almost two in the morning and the whole place was dimly lit and in night mode. He knew it would take only minutes for the place to be bustling with people if he wanted that.

Once he called for an emergency meeting there would be more people around, but only trustworthy agents. The ones who were efficient and strong and fucking smart.

Why in the fucking world hadn't he send a stupid alert on his way over here? It just hadn't crossed his mind.

Maybe Howard had been right, back when he was twelve and had said that he couldn't do anything right.

Maybe he couldn't. He was failing left and right tonight and he wanted it to fucking stop.

He pressed in the code and finally got out of the suit, not even really noticing when his feet carried him upstairs to the meeting rooms.

He hadn't been to a debriefing here in a while, and being the one to demand a meeting was _weird._

Many of the employees lived on site, always ready to be summoned. Their quartes were on the opposite side of the Avengers' living quarters, and they had their own gym. There was rarely any reason to really see them, yet he knew most of them when they started filling in.

He had demanded Fury to show up and had just received an alert that they were flying over, ETA 7 minutes, when Rhodey stumbled in looking dead on his feet.

"Tony? Why are _you _here?"

It amused him, in a way, that Rhodey didn't even _think _about the possibility that it could have been _Tony _who called the meeting. No, it was a fucking surprise to him that he showed up after a meeting had been called at all.

Flattering. Fucking hell.

He didn't bother answering.

He didn't _want _to talk about this hell he was living right now more than once.

Even though he had to- he had to tell Pepper so she could call May. Or should they wait until they had him back safe and sound?

But then it would take May _hours _to get back and she would never forgive him for that. He would never forgive himself for that, if.. No. Fucking no ifs.

He pulled out his phone, sending Pepper a text, asking her to send one of the Jets to pick up May. By the time it was there, he'd have more information.

He didn't tell Pepper much else. He _couldn't _at that moment. But she'd know something had gone incredibly wrong. He added a _he's_ _ali___v___e, ___just missing __so her mind didn't jump to ho  
horrible places.

He realized then, that he didn't even know if that was true. He didn't, even if he didn't want Peter to be dead- he didn't know shit for sure.

But surely he would _feel _it? The moment someone killed his kid, surely the world would stop spinning?

It had to be like that.

Because his world wouldn't ever be able to keep turning, not without Peter.

All he could concentrate on at that moment was not to yell at people. This felt so much like a fucking mission. Hugging his kid shouldn't feel like a fucking _mission_.

"What is going on here?" Fury barked when he walked in crisply, Maria Hill on his heels. Both looked so awake and ready to go that Tony wondered if they had even been asleep when he called for the meeting. Or if they had been awake.. together. "Stark. What's happening?"

Tony could feel all eyes on him and rolled his eyes when there was surprised mumbling. He stood up from his chair, letting his eyes wander over the people in attendance. He couldn't help but gulp when dread cursed through him.

He wanted Natasha there. He wanted Steve, he wanted Bruce, he wanted Thor and Clint. He wanted the people he _knew _could get his kid home now.

But they didn't even fucking knew he had a kid, now. And even if they did, they had no idea that he was Spider-man. All of this was a mess.

He swore to himself, then and there, that he'd reach out to them when this was all over. Maybe not Steve.

"I need your help. Spider-man needs your help. He went on a mission without Backup and was caught and taken. I have no way to track him and have no idea where he is being kept."

"What was the mission?"

"A drug deal." Tony took a deep breath and shot a glance at the woman who'd asked. He'd never seen her before.

"Where?" Fury sounded tense all of the sudden and Tony couldn't really imagine why an information like that could cause that. He was immediately on edge, too . "Stark, _where?" _

"Down by the Rockaway. The warehouse they had used is-"

"_Fuck._" Fury growled. "How did he.. where did he get his information from?"

"How the fuck would I know?" Tony was irritated now. It was obvious that Fury knew _something _and the fact that that bastard didn't spit it right out made him aggressive. "What do _you_ know, Fury?"

The atmosphere in the room was so thick he'd probably be able to cut it with a fucking knife.

"Those people are _dangerous. _Those drugs are _dangerous._ We have been working to get information for _months._"

Rhodey coughed slightly. "I don't understand. Spider-man is _a ___lot __stronger than any drug dealer. Was he shot?"

"No. I don't know how they were able to.." Tony trailed off when he saw Fury's face. "Spit it out, Saint Nicholas. What are you not saying?"

"Well.. we have reason to believe that those people are enhanced, as well. Those drugs.. those drugs are _for _enhanced individuals, so they don't have to miss out on getting high. They are not-"

He kept talking but Tony didn't hear shit of the explanation. Suddenly the room became too hot and he fumbled to loosen his fucking tie when he noticed he wasn't wearing one.

"Stark. Hey, Stark. _Tony." _Hill barked and he snapped his attention back to her. He could do this. He _had _to do this. Everything would be alright.

But everything had just gotten a hell of a lot worse. They didn't just know Peter's identity, they also had a reason to keep him. To test on him. But that meant also that he was still alive.

"There's something else." Tony whispered and he closed his eyes. "They left his suit there. They know.. they know his identity."

Fury took a deep breath and Tony could feel his eyes on him. Fury _knew _who Peter was, who Spider-man was. Tony trusted him, after everything he had done, and Fury knew what Tony would do to protect Peter's identity. But he would always, always choose Peter's life over his identity.

It was easy, too. He would do everything in his fucking power to make sure that noone found who he was.

"Well, shit." Fury said. "Get down to the computers and get working. Security cameras, unusual activities, call all airports. _Move_, people."

"What are you not telling us?" Hill asked and stared at Fury. She looked _pissed _and Tony wondered if it was a rare occasion that those two were keeping secrets from each other. They were probably banging while talking, too. Steamy pillowtalk.

"Spider-man is my son." Tony said, looking at her and decidedly not at Rhodey. "He's the kid I adopted. I don't want to talk about it, and I know that you guys need to know now that you are all looking for him, but it's really a fucking need to know basis and you won't go telling people that dear old Captain Sparrow here hasn't approved yet. The ones of you who are here in this room are here because you're on the emergency list of people that we can trust, and I won't hesitate killing you to keep my kid safe. Clear?"

"Tony." Rhodey breathed. "Tony, what-"

"Not now, darling, because I don't want to punch you in the throat but I just might if you don't shut the fuck up right now. I don't want any questions or lectures, I want my kid home _safe."_

There was nothing he could do at this point, unless he wanted to personally sweep New York City. But who knew where they had gone? They could be in the Bahmas by now.

A fist closed around his heart but he breathed through the settling panic. He couldn't deal with that now.

He raced down to his study slash office. The one in the compound, with a beautiful view over the grounds. He hadn't been in there in almost a year. Had it really been that long?

He pushed the door open, rushing towards the desk where he hesitantly pulled open the drawer. He stared into it, watching the metaphorical timebomb that was laying right fucking there.

He knew he had to do it. Fucking _had ___to. __Even if it turned out later that this hadn't been needed, he would _never _forgive himself if something happened to Peter and he hadn't used every single resource he had available to him in any fucking way.

He took it into his hands, holding it like a lifeline.

He dialed and pressed the phone to his ear, waiting for the familiar voice. When it came, it him like a tsunami.

"Yes?" The breathing on the other end of the line sounded ragged and short, yet calm at the same time.

"It's me. I need your help."   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I handed in paper 2 of 3 this afternoon, so I thought writing a new chapter while lounging here babysitting is a great way to waste my time. So, let's just say I am being paid for writing this, so I can feel better... Ignoring my research books is probably going to bite me in the ass when I get home from work tomorrow and have to read double the amount but oh well. 
> 
> I'm also losing a whole day because I'm going to Legoland with some friends this weekend. There better be good food. 
> 
> Okay I'm rambling, I'll stop! 
> 
> Love you all & all that jazz


	18.  I shook hands with the devil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from Alec Benjamin - Jesus in LA

The next few hours (how had it fucking been _hours?!)_ passed in some hazy blur of false leads, yelling and ignoring Pepper's calls.

He _knew _he was acting like a grade A fucking asshole but he couldn't care any less. He could barely hold himself together, how would he do that on the phone?

The anxiety of knowing that Steve was on his way over and would be there before it was light out made Tony want to throw up.

Everything was fucked up and he _hated _this. So much.

He could have prevented this from happening. If only he hadn't been some horny idiot who wanted the perfect night with Pepper to end in a bliss.

It had ended, but not in bliss.

Oh god, he fucking hoped this didn't mean that he couldn't enjoy sex from now on because that would fucking _suck. _

The feeling of emptyness and loneliness settled into his chest with a whoosh and he gasped. He hadn't felt like _that _in months. He realized with a painful breath that nowadays, his bad days were still _nothing _compared to what they used to be.

He made his way to the bathroom, slamming the door shut and grasping the sink with his hands.

The tears came before he could stop them and suddenly he was sobbing.

He couldn't stop it and he didn't know if they made all of this better somehow, if they cleansed his heart, or if they made it worse. He let go of the sink and just put his arms around him as close as he could, holding his body together because it felt like he might break apart.

He didn't know if he was crying for Peter or for May or for Steve. _Everything_ hurt.

By the time he pulled himself together and looked up in the mirror his eyes had become puffy and red, his lashes clumpy somehow.

Whatever he did, there would be no way in fucking _hell_ to hide that he had been crying.

Fuck all of this shit.

He blew his nose, wiped his face and washed his hands, but walked out of that fucking room with his head held high.

He might have lost it like a toddler, but he would _not_ hide away. Fuck what people think.

"Boss. You're wanted in conference room 2 ASAP." Friday's voice comforted him and scared him at the same time. There was only one reason why he would be wanted in there instead of the operating room- Steve had shown up.

When he walked towards the conference room, he slammed the door open defiantly and strut in in a way that would make May roll her eyes ("_you ___look _____like a _______flamingo____ _____when ___________you walk _____________like _______________that, _________________you ___________________dickhead____________________.") __________

Suddenly all he could see was Nick Fury in his face. "The _rogues__? _Fuck, Stark, if Ross or anyone else catches wind of this, we're all in fucking _deep shit."_

"Do I seriously look like I fucking _care?" _

He knew he didn't.

Fury saw that, too, so he didn't push that direction of the conversation. "None of you want to tell me what happened when you went to Germany, and you know what? _Fine__. _I don't care, either. Because my goal has always been to get you all back together."

Tony still couldn't see where Steve was, because apparently, this idiotic speech was for him alone and Fury was still in his fucking face. Rogers had probably gotten an earful when he first got there.

"I don't want any complications. You called him, so you _work ___together. __I mean it. I'll fucking kill you all if this ends in some bullshit."

He stormed out and Tony closed his eyes for a second. He had told Steve someone close to him had been taken. He hadn't said anything about Spider-man, and he wouldn't now, either. But he had to tell him that Peter was his son.

He opened his eyes and choked.

Steve was there, allright. But he didn't come alone.

They were all there. Clint and Wilson and Natasha. God, he'd missed her.

"What the fuck?"

"You called Steve, we came running."  
The voice was bitter and he'd been able to pick that accent out in a crowd of a million people.

He turned around to stare directly into Wanda's eyes. She must have been leaning against the wall when he had stormed in.

He saw her face soften ever so slightly, and cursed his puffy eyes. He didn't need or want any fucking pity.

"What _happened,_ Tony?" Steve's voice was creeping into his ears, into every fibre of his body.

All of this was so wrong. They were finally back, yet he'd do _anything _to get Peter back and never see them again.

"Your son's been taken, hasn't he?" Natasha's voice was softer than he'd ever heard it. "The kid I saw when I stopped by?"

"Yeah." He breathed and he could feel every pair of eyes on him. "I didn't know what else to do."

"You have a _son?" _Clint's voice was melodic and Tony couldn't help but think back to that one drunken night where they'd all ended up in a karaoke bar, and Clint had strut up onto the stage and belted out _the ___house _____of _______the _________rising sun _____in the voice of an angel.

They all had been laughing and cheering and throwing their ties at him.

They had been so fucking happy back then.

So incredibly close.

"Yes. I ... I adopted him. I can't lose him. Clint, fuck, you understand, right? He's my _kid. _I need to get him home safe, and I need your help. Fuck my pride, I'll beg if I have to."

"You don't have to." Wilson said seriously and Tony's eyes snapped towards him. They hadn't been close before all of this happened and he'd thought that him and Wanda would rather see him hurt than help him. Tony felt a wave of gratitude and guilt crash down over his head and he took a shaky breath.

"Tell us what you know."

This was tricky, now. Tony didn't want them to know about Peter being Spider-man, but he had to tell them now, didn't he? Maybe he could kind of.. _not. _

_"_He got in the middle of a drug deal, and they took him."

"Tony." Natasha sounded so much like Pepper, her tone warning, patient and exasperated all at once. He closed his eyes. Normally, he would be able to make something up then and there but he was so fucking _tired. _He couldn't think clearly.

"Pete sneaked out, went on a fucking mission to stop a drugdeal down by the docks. Somehow, they caught him. Problem is that they are enhanced and those drugs are some sort of mutant party favor so those guys aren't easily caught."

"Tony. I hate to say this so bluntly, bu if that's true, the chances of him being alive are slim to none. He's a risk and they have no use for him."

He didn't even have it in him to glare at Natasha. This was how she was- honest to a painful degree.

"Unless there's still something you're not telling us."

He took a deep breath. "He's enhanced, too. I think they'll use him for testing."

"And? What __else_____?___ Come on, you're costing your son time."

"And he's .. fuck it. Don't make me regret this, I mean it.. He's Spider-man."

He could feel all of their eyes on him, again, could see Steve's frown and Nat's smirk. She'd probably guessed as much.

"I don't want to hear it right now, Capsicle, you can give me that speech when he's home." He rolled his eyes, ignoring the pounding in his head that got stronger and stronger.

"And they know his identity."

He leaned forward, to grasp at the table in front of him.

"I want them _dead. _I'm not saying it just to say it, either. I _need _them dead. The knowledge of his identity in the wrong hands could be _fatal."_

Noone questioned him. He had expected them to, had expected them to call him out on a bluff.

Only he wasn't bluffing and there probably had been something in his voice or in his eyes that _showed _them just how serious he was.

He didn't _care _in that moment.

If he got a chance, he'd kill them.

"Well, okay. Allright. Natasha, get Friday to hack into Fury's server, we're doing this on our own if we can." Steve started, finally tearing his eyes away from Tony. There was so much left unsaid that it was making him dizzy. And he still couldn't fucking think clearly. He should be in charge of this, but right now for whatever fucking reason, he couldn't plan. He just wanted to _do. _

"Check the server of the mutant prison down in canada. Tony, you need to hack into Ross' list of enhanced individuals. Not the one he handed you, but the _real _one. Clint, can you get the jet ready without anyone noticing? We need to be out of here as soon as we get a lead, before the wrong person catches sight of us and alerts someone we don't _need here ___right _____now." ___

Steve was ordering them around. It used to annoy Tony to no end, now it calmed him down. He could follow orders. Hell, for once in his life he could.

He opened up his phone, letting the hologram light up his corner of the room. He had the document in minutes, scanning through it. He knew what Steve had meant- the list was longer, a lot less signatures than on the data he had worked with before. Why had he never thought to check?

"Tony, check your list against Nat's, maybe we're lucky and there's a match of recently released individuals, or anything like that."

Nat walked over towards Tony, opening a tab with a swipe of her finger. "There's a few matches, but look at those. They could be our guys."

It was two names, two brothers who were born in the states but had grown up in Denmark. Apparently they had moved back in 2010. Their list of misdemeanors was as long as Tony's (which meant fucking something, he wasn't Tony Stark for nothing) but where Tony's record was clean of felonies, theirs was.. not.

They hadn't actually been in that mutant prison because their enhancement had never been _confirmed_ or _proven,_ but it was suspected. Apparently that's why Ross had been watching them.

They had served their three relatively short sentences in normal prisons, but every single crime was in connection to drugs and violence.

Tony didn't much more than skim the articles, he still couldn't get his brain to concentrate, no matter how hard he tried.

"And read, here." Natasha pointed on the middle of the slide and to the left. "There's an adress of an estate in New Mexico, close by the border. It _could_ all fit."

"It could,yeah."

He didn't know if he really thought it fit, or if she did it to give him hope. He was surprisingly grateful either way.

"Good looking fellas." Tony whispered while staring at their mugshots, trying to lighten the mood. It didn't work.

But they _were _handsome with their Nordic facial features and blonde hair. They looked safe, kind.

"Boss." Friday's voice was loud in his ears, suddenly. "There has been a sighting of Peter at 11:30 p.m. Agent Lammers hacked into a security camera of a bar by the docks and found the footage. He has informed me that he has just sent visuals to you directly."

He looked at his phone, fumbling to unlock the message and project the clip in front of him, ignoring Steve's hovering completely.

He stared at the hologram before turning to Natasha. "Well, Romanov, I'll be damned."

"New Mexico it is, then?" Sam said with a false cheer, now it was him trying to lighten the mood.

Tony didn't know whether he was annoyed or appreciated the gesture, but he didn't have the time to think about it before Steve practically dragged and pushed them all down the hall and up the stairs into the direction of the landing platform.

He didn't _want _to think about the fact that just because those Danish brothers had a farm or some shit in New Mexico, they might not actually go there.

Hell, if they were _driving _there, it would take them what? Fifteen more hours?

This was a risky plan at best. He didn't know what to think anymore and that pissed him off.

When he was seated on the jet, staring at his suit that was waiting for him a few feet down.

His phone rang and he picked up as soon as he read Fury's name. "Yeah?"

"Stark. Lammers and Smith followed the Truck across surveillance cameras. They drove down to Teterboro Airport where they got onto a private jet. They went of the grid right after takeoff, but Agent Kent is doing his best to decipher-"

"Thank you." Tony hung up. Something in his gut told him they were on the right track, even if it was Natasha who had taken over the commando, the hacking and the planning.

He might not be able to do much right now, but he _was _able to _fight. _And he would.

He didn't _care._ They'd show up, shoot those motherfuckers and get Petey home to New York.

It couldn't be that hard, could it? The hardest part was _done, _they _knew _were they _were. _Everything would be okay. Fucking hell, it _needed _to be okay.  
  
Was this him paying for all of his sins in some way? The universe punishing him even more?   
  
  
He needed it to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uni is stressful, rain is annoying and I'm counting down the days to my All Inclusive vacation in Turkey lol
> 
> Funfact: ALL the fics I read I find by checking out the people who comment on my stories- what they've written, their bookmarks. Seeing my story in your bookmarks always has me feeling like I'm going to explode. 
> 
> But also, that has gotten me into "Peter's Stars" which got me into more Steve/Tony stories AND I DON'T EVEN SHIP THEM BUT THAT STORY WAS/IS SO GOOD???? 
> 
> I'm rambling again, lol, sorry bye thanks for reading ❤️


	19. love is watching someone die-so who’s gonna watch you die?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from What Sarah Said by Death Cab For Cutie

The flight to New Mexico was fast, he knew that, but once again it felt way too fucking long.

He didn't talk to anyone, ignored them all.

He was anxious enough, was scared what they would find. _If _they would find something.

All of this was bullshit. How had this happened? Peter and him, they were good at communicating. He thought they were. So why the hell hadn't he said something? Tony wouldn't have let him go alone, but maybe they could have gone together. It could have been _their_ mission.

They had been the same fucking people as last time. Peter had been watching them, then, over the last few weeks and somehow his lack of trust hurt. It really fucking did.

Why had he never thought to get him a tracker? Why had he thought that his suit would be enough?

If Peter didn't trust _him, _he didn't owe the kid any trust in return.

Tony grasped his hair, staring down at his knees for the rest of the ride and first looked up when Clint flew the jet into some field behind the woods and Steve started handing out the comms they usually stored on the jet.

"It's two miles to their grounds, three miles to the main building. We didn't want to alert them, so we landed here. Tony, Sam, you'll fly and take Nat and Clint with you. Rhodey, Wanda and I will be right behind you. Tony will use Friday to scan the building for bodyheat and then we'll go in, if possible. Communication is key, guys. It's our first mission back together and I want to make it count."

Tony nodded, his brain suddenly on high alert again. Why couldn't it have woken up earlier? Typical.

"I want them-"

"We know you want them dead, Tony, but we'll try to not randomly shoot people." Steve barked and jumped out. Tony glared after him when Natasha grabbed onto his arm.

"I'm with you on this. We'll just say it was self defense."

"Well, I was going to say I want them _caught ___and _____behind _______bars, ____but nice to know what you think of me, _Cap._" Tony hissed and glared into his general direction before stalking towards the door.

If it came to choosing between Peter's safety and shooting them, though, it wasn't a question. They _all_ knew it. He wouldn't hesitate and he wouldn't even feel fucking bad for making the decision, actually.

Peter would, but Tony wasn't really a good person. Not as good as Peter, _never_ as good as him.

Maybe the kid would finally see that. That Tony wasn't the person Peter thought he was.

Maybe he wouldn't forgive Tony for shooting someone on his behalf, but Tony didn't care. He didn't fucking _care._

He just knew that, for once, it wasn't a decision he would make for himself. For once in his life, it would be made for Peter. He would protect him _and _his identity if he could.

Did that make him even more fucked up than he already was?

It probably did. If he believed in God, he'd be sure he'd go to hell for it, but _fuck ___it.__ He'd told Peter once that he'd do anything for him and he'd _meant _it.

The next few minutes of rushing to the building as silently as possible were the fastest minutes of Tony's entire life. It was like he opened the door and suddenly it was three minutes later and he was standing behind the door in front of a grande countryside mension.

He watched Nat take out a security guy that didn't even see her coming and heard Wilson, who was on the east side of the building, confirm that he had taken one out, too.

Well, fucking amatures. Not worth their money.

He let Friday scan the building before reporting back to everyone else.

"There is exactly seven people in the house. Three in the cellar, one of them is Peter. Everyone else is on the top two floors. Clint, there is a security guard ten feet from you."

It took everything in him to wait for Steve's reply and to not storm into the building or maybe blast the top floors away so the cellar would lie free.

But he'd do this right, just once.

"Alright. Rhodey, Sam- you go through the windows on the top floor, on the west side and immobilize them. Clint and I are going through the main door, Wanda you will come through the windows on the east side. Nat, Tony- backdoor. Tony, use Friday to get to Peter."

Tony stopped listening after that. Everything Captain Obvious had just said was _common sense._

He rolled his eyes and got ready to storm into that motherfucking building, but he waited for Rogers' okay like a good little puppy.

_"_ _Now_ _."_

They moved, and Tony could hear their loud breathing over the comms. Somehow, it calmed him down. It reminded him that he wasn't in this _alone._ Maybe he could just pretend everything was like it used to be. Just for a second.

He moved into the house, Friday scanning for movement around him and his heart stopped beating for a second when the first two people he encountered were _children. _

Maybe ten years old, they stared up at him with big eyes. He didn't know what the fuck he was supposed to do _now. _He wouldn't tie up or knock out any kids. Fucking hell.

Suddenly Wanda was there. "Stark, go, I got them, I'll take them outside. _Move__." _

__He _____did___, but something inside of him was deeply unsettled. It was like everything was under water. They had been fucking children. _Children__._ And this, some freaking idiots storming their _home, _would traumatize them forever.

"Top floor is clear."

"Lower floor ist clear as well."

Tony watched as Clint pushed two tied up men outside, both of them with a piece of cloth inside their mouths.

Everything was so quiet, almost like everything was under water. Weren't their footsteps meant to make some fucking sound?

"Tony, you need to _breathe._"

Steve's hands were on his shoulders suddenly and he pushed them off.

Rhodey appeared in his vision, directly in front of Tony. "Tones, Peter is right below us. But you need to breathe, you need to calm down. Come on, big guy, everything will be _f___i___ne."_

He nodded, and felt his breath evening out instantly. He hadn't even fucking realized his breath had been faster, and suddenly he could hear better, too.

How the fuck was he such a walking desaster? It was an embarassment, really.

Steve nodded towards the door, and Nat eased it open.

They made their way downstairs quietly, but this time Tony could hear footsteps.

He wouldn't admit it, ever, but he was glad that it was Nat and Steve who went downstairs with him.

They edged down a long hallway and Tony could see the outlines of the three through the walls.

He'd invented some _cool ___stuff, _____li___ke Peter always said, but his AIs topped the list, honestly.

Steve was in front of him, so he couldn't see Peter when they first stepped around the corner, but he could see both of the men this whole thing was about - Ole and Rasmus Kristensen. He didn't think he could ever forget the names.

"For fanden sker der?" One of them hissed at his brother. "Ej, din fucking idiot. Jeg sagde jo vi skulle lytte til drengen. Han fucking _sagde-_"

"Hold kæft." The other barked back and Tony found himself fascinated. He'd never really heard Danish before and it sounded... Weird. Like he was drunk and only mindlessly watching a movie for background noice.

They were too close to Peter for his liking and he stepped around Steve to _see_ him with his own too eyes but when he did he wished he could just.. walk out again. He didn't want to see this.

It hadn't been what he was expecting _at ___all.__

Peter wasn't tied up, he wasn't really hurt either.

He was obviously high as a fucking kite.

Tony swore.

"What did you give him?" Nat asked and Tony wanted to laugh. Or scream, maybe.

"Nothing he can't handle."

"_Tony._" Peter grinned and clapped into his hands. They had been in there for at least sixty seconds before Peter even noticed them. Fucking hell.

"See, guys! I _told _you Iron Man would come for me. Or wait, am I hallucinating? Because I think that's Captain America right _there_. And Tony won't even talk _about him, _he'd never _work_ with him."

Peter giggled while Tony cringed. Well, great. He could hear Steve's sharp intake of breath in his ear but he ignored it.

"Okay, party's over, we'll be taking him back to New York now."

The whole situation seemed so bizarre that Tony wished it was him who was on some kind of drug. He was an Idiot. All of this was _idiotic._

Peter had no injuries that he could see, but the Friday's scans appearing in his vision were absolutely frightening at best.

He was so pumped full of drugs that he could barely sit up straight, yet his words were surprisingly and scaringly enough clear as ever, not as blurry and slurred the way it usually did when Peter took pain medication.

That scared the fucking crap out of Tony- obviously they had given him too much when they were testing, but at the right dosage- this drug could be dangerous. He supressed a shudder and turned his attention to the taller of the brothers.

"Are those your kids upstairs?"

He could feel Nat's and Steve's eyes bore into him briefly, and he couldn't blame them. He'd have stared, too, because that hadn't been what he had wanted to say _at ___all. __It had just come out without his permission.

"No." One drawled. He was standing in the corner of the room, back to the wall. "No, they're our driver's sons. His wife is unavailable at the moment, so he brought them along."

Good. That was good. If this ended badly, he wouldn't have to feel bad for traumatizing those kids even further.

Tony didn't see it coming, actually. The fact that Peter hadn't been tied up, the fact that he hadn't been hurt had softened him for a moment, had eased the tenseness in his bones.

He had let his fucking guard down, and he was sure he had never been so fucking idiotic in his whole _life. _

The next thing he knew was that Nat gasped with a knife stuck in her arm and all fucking hell broke lose when one of the blonde motherfuckers suddenly shot at them.

Where the weapons had come from, Tony didn't know. Friday hadn't alerted him, Steve hadn't, Nat hadn't. They were all fucking idiots.

He dove infront of Nat, shielding her body from the bullets while he hauled a chair at the taller brother, watching as the other jumped _onto _Steve's shield when he threw it at him.

They were fast, clever and agile. Tony hadn't seen someone move like them in a very long time. They were in sync, like two pieces of the same body. It was fascinating.

They didn't fight to kill, as far as he could tell. At least not yet.

A knife whirled past his ear and launched itself straight into the shorter one's forehead, his eyes going wide as he fell. He was dead before he hit the ground as far as Tony could tell.

He turned to glance at Natasha, knife in her arm gone and wound gushing with blood. She looked so fucking fierce that if he wasn't so deeply in love with Pepper, he might have fallen for her right then and there.

The pained roar of the other man shocked Tony to his core and suddenly it was _Peter _with a knife stuck in his leg and a gun pressed to his head.

"_Oh." _Peter gasped and glared at the knife. "That wasn't very nice, you know."

Tony wanted to laugh. Or cry. Or scream. He stood still, making no sound, no move at all.

Out of the corner of his eyes he saw Steve do the same, still awkwardly crouched on the floor.

"Mister _Stark._ Can I have a knife? In my suit, you know? That would be _awesomesauce." _

Suddenly there was a click against Peter's head, and Peter flinched away.

There were a few more frantic clicks and Tony stopped breathing for a second, staring. The man had just wanted to shoot his kid, without warning, without the chance to work something out.

He had meant to kill him and if he hadn't tried to shoot Nat earlier, Peter would be dead now. Dead.

The other guy seemed in stupor for a moment and Tony saw red. He lunched forward, ignoring the voices in his ear, ignoring Peter's babbling and gasping and he knocked him on the floor.

He was on top of the Dane in seconds, punching him straight in the jaw in a second before doing it again a second time because it felt _good. _

He heard something break and looked into the crazed eyes of the man below him.

"His life is cursed now, ya know." He said with bloody teeth. He wasn't wincing and Tony wondered how he _wasn't. _He had shattered the man's cheekbones.

"We wen' a lil overbo'rd, ya know, an' the kid's basi'ly _addicted. _He won' com _down_. Always tryin' t fin' anotha fix, ya know. But y'know how that is, don't ya? kid might be alive, but.. he'll be _fucked_ ___up.____"_

Tony stared at him before he raised his hand and shot.

He stared at the small hole in the floor where the head of the man used to be.

The blast rang in the room long after he had fired it.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, as always.❤️ Also, have I mentioned how much your comments and kudos make me smile?


	20. kindly calm me down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from Meghan Trainor's Kindly Calm me Down

"That was scary." Peter's voice rang out. "What the frick? Didn't he _just _have a head? Did he or didn't he? Did I imagine that? _Woah__."_

In any other situation Tony would have laughed, but all he could do was not throw up on the spot while Captain Righteous hauled him to his feet. He pushed the huge hands (really, how could anyone have hands that fucking big?) off him and pushed Natasha out of the way to get to Peter.

"Hey Pete." He _hated _that his voice was shaking, that his hands were too, that he knew he had just fucked up more than he had in a while.

Fucking hell.

"Missar Stark. Tooooony. Tones. Ironmanny." Peter giggled. "Did you _see? _That guy doesn't have a _head _anymore. Are you going to take mine? Oh wait. Am I in trouble?" His lower lip started to wobble and Tony didn't know whether he wanted to laugh or cry. Probably both. And scream.

"No, Buddy, you're not in trouble." He pulled Peter against his chest, ignoring the fact that this _couldn't_ be comfortable, the way his head was presssed against Tony's armor.

"Promise? With a pinky?" Peter whispered into his ear.

Tony held out his pinky without letting go of his son, awkwardly shaking his pinky before pressing a rough kiss against the crown of his hair. He closed his eyes and just breathed in the scent, but it was _wrong. _He didn't smell like _Peter._ Hg smelled like warehouse and blood and old sweat.

He could hear voices all around him, the footsteps and moving of heavy objects were loud but he did his best to blend it out, just concentrating on Peter's too fast heartbeat and shallow breathing.

He had no fucking idea how long they had been sitting there, but Peter was fast asleep by the time Nat was pulling Tony's hair to get his attention, so it could have been anything between five minutes and five hours.

"Come on, Stark, we're ready to leave. We need Peter to get home and get checked out, don't we? Make sure there are no long term-"

"_Fine__." _He half begged, half hissed. He had no idea what he was trying to convey, but apparently Natasha did because her face softened and she put a hand on his face in a very un-Natasha-like manner.

"Don't worry, Tony. We'll fix this, I _promise."_

Somehow, that relaxed him considerably. Natasha never lied, did she? He couldn't remember right now, but he _thought _she didn't.

He felt like he was falling apart, like something big had just happened or was about to happen and not for the first time in the hours since he came home to find Pete gone, he felt that pressing feeling of anxiety and panic take over his thoughts, his mind, his heart.

He hated it.

Had always hated it, ever since the time he'd lost Jarvis in Rome where he'd taken him out to explore while his father was at meetings and his mother was having a luncheon with the other wives.

He had been six or seven at the time and Jarvis had _told _him to stay with him, but he'd seen the display and he'd wandered off- now, he had no idea if it was the idea of having Jarvis disappointed in him (he had been), the prospect of having to stay at the hotel the next time his parents worked (he hadn't), of Jarvis telling on him (he hadn't done that, either) or maybe just being fucking on his own on the other side of the world.. probably a mixture of those things, but he had fucking lost it.

Had sat on the ground fucking bawling, hand in his head and that _feeling_ had taken over. It had been hard to _breathe,_ hard to _think, _hard to just fucking _exist__. _

He has always hated it.

He still does.

It was crippling in a way he would never be able to describe fully.

"Hey, Tones." Rhodey was there, god, _Rhodey. _Tony had forgotten he'd come along. "Hey, there you are. Look, Peter is asleep, so we can get going, hm? Move along a little? We're _almost _at the jet."

He didn't reply. Couldn't, still. But he was eternally grateful for Rhodey and a childish part of him was wishing that Happy was there, too.

He could hear Peter's breathing against his chest and he wondered if he was asleep but his breathing was different, more like Pepper with a cold than Peter at any time. It didn't feel right. It didn't feel completely wrong, either, just more like something wasn't completely normal. God, he wanted Pepper.

"You'll see her in a few short hours, Tones."

Huh? Had he said anything out loud? He must have. Or maybe he imagined Rhodey saying anything at all. Whatever it was, it felt like he was going a little crazy, anxiety still pulling at his heart.

Why, fucking why, was everything always so fucked up? Why couldn't things go right for fucking _once _in his god damn life?

May would.. fuck. May. She would probably _kill_ him. Or take Peter away. They were still supposed to have a few more weeks before she got home. They had talked about it, maybe picking her up and flying down to Egypt for a few days, all together. Maybe Portugal. Maybe France. Anywhere, really.

Celebrating her coming home, celebrating becoming a family.

Maybe taking Rhodey and Happy along and get married on Santorini, without telling anyone. Having a private moment before getting married infront of hunreds of people the following year.

He tried to concentrate, but he couldn't. It was a weird thing to happen during one of his episodes and one he despised more than anything else about it: the loss of the ability to _think. _

He had an impressive brain but it was of no use to him the moments he couldn't, well, _think. _Use it. It scared him _shitless__. _Made him feel so incredibly broken.

"Get them on the jet, Clint." Tony heard. He also heard someone (Clint?) reply, but he still couldn't fucking concentrate. Everything was so loud and so damn quiet all at once.

It was like time was _running_ but _crawling_ at the same time but he could feel the jet take off, the rumbling and quiet discussions around him and after a while everything started to come back slowly.

Weirdly enough he _smelled_ the person next to him before he ever turned his head to look up.

"I know I fucked up."

It's all he said. No explanation, no apology. Wouldn't fucking change a thing anyways.

"We'll fix it. Everything is fixable."

"Not everything is."

He looked at Steve, then, looked at the lines on his forehead and the corners of his mouth that were slightly pulling downwards. He looked almost sad. Dissappointed.

"You didn't think- Rogers, you didn't think everything would just go back to normal now, did you? That everything was forgiven and forgotten because you came? Don't get me wrong, I owe you a favor.. but this? Us? The Avengers? Nothing has changed."

"I know. I hadn't it expected to." But his answer had taken just a second too long. He _had_ expected it. Maybe more than forgiveness.

But Tony couldn't. Wouldn't.

He wasn't ready. Not now, maybe not ever.

He turned back towards Peter, hand against the back of his head and pressing him into the crook of his neck, turned away from Captain Perfect to ignore him effectively.

"He's a cute kid." Steve said, trying to get Tony to react. Tony didn't.

He heard him sigh before Steve left.

Tony didn't talk to anyone else the rest of the flight, not even Rhodey when he came over to bring him some water and get an IV into Peter's arm to get some fluids into him.

When they got back to the compound and were rushed to medical, Fury was there and intercepted Natasha, Clint and Rogers to pull them into one of the meeting rooms. Tony had no idea where Wanda was and that made him uneasier that he would like to admit.

He stopped short where he stood when Peter was put down onto a stretcher and rolled into a room where Tony wasn't allowed to follow.

"God damn it." He yelled and threw a vase at the wall in the waiting room. Rhodey frowned but didn't say anything to scold him or calm him down. "This is _literally _my building. Fucking hell. I should be allowed to _follow ___my _____son.___"

"Not when you're this upset, you shouldn't."

At the sound of the voice he turned around so fast he was pretty sure he almost broke his own neck.

"May?" He could feel his face scrunch up, could feel the tears burning at the back of his eyes. "Fuck."

She smiled weakly before she practically jumped into his arms and held him tightly around his neck. As tightly as she could. "Oh _Tony. _Thank god you're okay. We were so worried."

"But _Peter.."_

"We will worry about Peter as soon as the doctors let us see him, hon. Right now, let me have a few minutes to worry about my _friend_ who did everything he could to save our kid. Who happens to be the most idiotic, restless person I have ever met, Jesus."

And then Tony started to laugh.

They were both crying and laughing and crying and ... it was _weird. _He hadn't expected for May to react like _this._ Like a friend and a Co-Parent and someone who wasn't _just_ on Peter's team, but on Tony's, too.

He felt a little guilty when he realized, once again, how amazing May Parker was and that he had just _forgotten. _That the last minutes, hours, days he had been sure she would react the way a devil would have, not as the friend and mother and angel he knew she was.

The family member.

"Thanks, May." He whispered it, to save himself the mortification of being so visible emotional.

"Anytime." She whispered, too. "Pepper is getting some coffee. She was _so _worried, but wouldn't admit it. She is the most stubborn woman I have ever met."

"Yeah, she is stubborn, isn't she?" He knew he sounded way too proud for a man who didn't like to admit to feelings most of the time, but fuck it all.

It was one of the things Peter had taught him without knowing he had: that loving another person wasn't a bad thing. It was an amazing thing to open one's heart and even if that meant being vulnerable, it meant that he would at least know what love felt like.

And shit, he really loved Pepper. Trusted her again, finally. Loved Peter, too, maybe even more. Or maybe just very differently. There was enough space in his heart for them both, and crazily enough, there was a big open space that had been occupied by May Parker for quite some time.

They were a family now, dysfunctional, but a _family. _

The realization made his heart warm, settling some of the panic just as the doctor walked in.

"Mr Stark, Mrs Parker? Peter is asking for you."

May takes a deep breath but doesn't say anything, so Tony asks the question they both so desperately want an answer to. May grabs onto his arm painfully and it's all he can do to not flinch.

"How is he?"

"We are still waiting for some test results. We will be taking additional tests every thirty minutes for the next 24 hours, just because we are not sure how his metabolism and healing factor will be affecting the drugs. Apart from that, all physical injuries he might have had have been fully healed, he is tired and will be sleeping quite a lot for a while. Again, we don't know __how ______long____ since his enhancements make all of our guesses just that- guesses. He is very different from Wanda and Steve, for example, so anything would be different for them."

The man looks from Tony to May and Tony _knows _that a shoe is about to drop and by the way May grips his arm even _tighter_, she knows it, too.

"Peter has been subjected to a lot of drugs during the past few days from what we can see and from what he has said and the drug is _highly _addictive. Again, we don't know just how much Peter _can _be affected, but the fact that these drugs were especially designed for enhanced individuals.."

"You're saying he might be addicted to drugs?"

The man looks at May thoughtfully and Tony wants him to _not _answer the way he fears he might.

But of course, it never is that easy.

"That's a simple way to put it, Mrs Parker. But yes, we are afraid that it's a possibility. He might be struggling for a while, there are programs if it comes to that."

"Programs for enhanced individuals who were forcefully used as labrats and are now addicted to drugs?"

May slaps his arm, but he barely feels it. His arm had gone numb from her Iron grip.

The doctor doesn't reply, just smiles an understanding smile that makes Tony feel guilty and angry and desperate all at once.

"Do you want to see your son, now?"

Tony just nodded. Didn't sound impressive but he certainly felt like it was because that was a stupid question if he ever heard one.

They were lead down the hall and Tony grabbed May's. She didn't comment about it, didn't even look at him, just squeezed his hand. It was a natural sort of comfort he usually only shared with Pepper or Peter. It was weird, really, that it was painfully obvious that May was the only one who could comfort him right now.

"You go first, Tony. I just need a second." She let go of his hands and pushed him towards the door.

Peter looked _tiny _in the bed he was laying in and Tony's insides clenched.

Everything had been _so _close to falling apart. It still could. All of this because Peter hadn't communicated, because Tony had trusted him too little and then too much.

"Hey, Kid."

Peter's lip wobbled and a single tear was clinging to his eyelashes. "I'm _sorry._"

"Nothing to be sorry about. Water under the bridge, kiddo."

It didn't feel like it was, but Tony needed it to be okay. ALL of it.

He reached out and pushed a strand of hair behind Peter's ear, losing himself in the contact.

Peter looked pale, eyes sunken in and his hair was greasy. He looked worn, but he looked _okay._ Like things were going to be okay.

God, Tony hoped so.

The door opened and May rushed forward, hugging and doting over Peter.

"Oh, _honey._ We were so incredibly worried! Oh god, _look_ at you.."

"Auntie __May."__ Peter breathed out and made grabby hands at her, reaching for the embrace of a woman who was his mother in every way that counted. "You _came." _

"Of course I did, you moron."

Suddenly, it became hard to be in the room and Tony eased himself backwards, ignoring Peter's confused glance at him. "I'll go find Pepper. I'll be back in a flash."

He basically bolted out of the door, in the general direction of the waiting room where he had a feeling Pepper would be curled up in a chair by now.

"Oh, Tony. Thank _god." _He heard her voice before he ever saw her and found himself with an arm full of the Tsunami that was his fiancée. "I was so worried. Are you okay? Is Peter?"

"Yes." He kissed her. Hard. "I'm okay, he's going to be okay, everyone is okay." Apart from the guy he shot because he provoked him. "Everything is okay now."

It was then he first realized that everyone else was there, too. He took a deep breath.

"I need a moment to myself." He said, looking at Pepper, but wanting _everyone ___else__ to hear it, too. "A shower, a cup of coffee. I'll come back up when I'm ready."

It translated into "I need a break from everyone and everything" and they all knew it.

They all understood, too. Because while not everyone there was his family anymore, they used to be. Used to know him better than he sometimes knew himself.

He rushed towards his quarters there, and stepped into the shower, turned it on the hottest setting he could possibly tolerate.

It took him a few minutes to realize that he was still wearing his clothes as well as his shoes and it took him embarassingly long to wiggle out of the wet clothes glued to his skin.

By the time he stepped out of the shower, over an hour had passed, almost an hour more after he had carefully blowdried his hair and gotten dressed.

The tenseness had left him and now he just longed to see Peter.

Assure him that they would be okay, that he would be okay, that he didn't blame him for anything.

That this _couldn't happen _again.

It took him half an hour to make it back to the med bay, but when he got there, _all _of him was there.

The anxiety, the panic had finally left him- leaving him in control of his mind and his thoughts and his fucking heart.

When he made his way down the hall he found Peter's door slightly open and he stopped dead.

He didn't _mean _to listen, but it was just... He kind of had to.

"You don't know him the way we do." Tony heard Steve say, voice sounding tired. "You know him as, for the lack of a better word, as your _dad. _You know? Who feeds you and makes sure you do your homework. Who kisses you goodnight and tells you to take your shoes off. And that's _good_."

Tony closed his eyes firmly. He _wanted _to fucking go inside, find out what the hell Steven fucking Rogers was thinking talking to his kid but he physically _couldn't. _Not when he wanted to find out what he was saying.

"I won't get into this, because a lot of the shit that's happened to him is incredibly personal and I don't think he'd be very happy if I discussed what I knew. It would make me an even shittier friend than I was."

Tony didn't know if that was possible, really, but he also thought about Peter and the fact that there was a possibility he wouldn't even be breathing if Steve and the others hadn't rushed back here.

It was fucked up. He had fucked it up.

"I don't understand." Peter said and Tony's heart stopped beating for a few seconds, he was sure of it. "He's going to be okay, though, right?"

"Yeah. It's just.. you need to understand that Tony has _always _been his own worst enemy."

Peter hummed, maybe said something in reply Tony couldn't make out. He knew he had only seconds before Peter or Captain Annoying would hear him breathe, maybe smell him in the hall so he pushed the door open with a bang and strode in in all his glory.

Steve jumped up right away, moving back from Peter with his palms up, showing Tony he meant no harm.

Tony's heart skipped a beat at the painful realization that this is what their relationship has come to.

"Don't piss yourself, Rogers. You're allowed to _talk_ to him."

He nodded, moving towards the exit slowly. "We have a meeting first thing in the morning. Fury wants to yell some more, I'm guessing. Debrief. Talk about the future. All the stuff you love so much. "

Steve was trying, he could hear that. Tony even almost laughed at the joke.

Tony nodded. "I'll be there."

He watched as Steve nodded and left the room before he settled on Peter's side.

"Hey. How are you feeling?"

"Like I've been hit by a train."

"Hm." Tony hummed. "Doesn't the saying refer to a truck?"

"Doesn't matter, I feel like shit." Peter grumbled and Tony stared and blinked. And then he finally laughed.

The kind of laugh that moved your whole body, that you felt from your toes all the way to your fingertips. And when Peter started to laugh too, Tony pushed his greasy hair out of his forehead before he fell into a fit of giggles again.

"Move over." He whispered and then dropped down next to Peter, pulling him onto his chest and continuing to gently pet his hair.

"Can you tell me what happened?" Peter asked quietly, squinting up at Tony. "I'm not sure if my memories are memories or hallucinations."

"Tomorrow." Tony hummed. "Right now I just need this peaceful moment with you, yeah? To remind us both that everything will be okay. We will start working on __everything__ ____else____ tomorrow."

"Yeah." Peter breathed back and settled down against Tony's chest again. "Tomorrow."   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Currently laying by a pool overlooking the ocean, sipping Pina Coladas in Turkey with my best friends. The food is good. Life is good. The Cocktails are cold. I looooove vacations. 
> 
> Thanks for sticking with this story! ❤️ Life has been crazy lately, and I've meant to finish part 1 of the series WEEKS ago. This has never happened before, so oopsie.


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